Today I was with a client and the subject came up regarding friends whose acts of love felt more like suffocation. My client said, "The only reason he keeps asking me to see him so often is because it's what he wants for himself and has nothing to do with who I am as a person or what I need." That led to a discussion about the five love languages. In case you haven't heard or didn't know, a person's primary "love language" is what they most need and desire in order to feel genuinely loved by others. As you might suspect, not everyone shares the same primary love language, let alone their secondary love language, their third...and on down the line. There are five love languages in total (as presented in the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman) and they are as follows: (1) Quality Time, (2) Words of Affirmation, (3) Physical Touch,
(4) Receiving Gifts, and (5) Acts of Service. It is possible for a person to have two love languages that are equally "primary"...such as Quality Time and Words of Affirmation...or Quality Time and Physical Touch (hopefully, you can see the need for the associations by these two examples!). Yet when push comes to shove, there is usually just one "love language" that stands out above all the others as a person's "primary" love language; the one love language that makes them feel the "most" loved above all overs.
For people whose primary love language is "Quality Time", they feel most loved and most cared for when they are given "face time" with their loved ones. We all know people like this. Talking on the phone, texting, or skyping is o.k., but it's not enough. To be in each other's presence, to be spending "quality time" with each other; this is what quality timers want and crave in order to feel best loved by others. One person's "quality time" may mean a minimum of two hours each night spent with their spouse and without any distractions. To someone else, "quality time" may mean two hours on each day of the weekend.
When your primary love language is "Words of Affirmation", you are all about being given verbal validation for "who" you are and/or what you have done that is good. When Words of Affirmation people hear something as simple as "I appreciate you!", they feel w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l from the inside out. Words of Affirmation communicate the uniqueness of a person while honoring at the same time his or her existence.
"Physical Touch" as a primary love language means that a person needs regular displays of affection in order to feel genuinely loved by others. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, backrubs, footrubs, etc. etc.; having physical contact is the glue that bonds these individuals most to those they love and care about. With physical touch, however, there are always appropriate boundaries to consider. Just because you want to reach out and touch someone doesn't necessarily mean they want to be touched by you no matter how much you care for them and vice versa...
The primary love language of "Receiving Gifts" has to do exactly with that. Receiving gifts! Even better, when the gift being given and received is indeed in line with what the recipient is all about and "loves" to begin with! For example, I love the color purple. Anyone who has been to our home knows this is true because there's lots of shades of purple floatin' around these here walls. As such, if someone comes over for dinner and happens to bring me a hostess gift...guess what? It means a lot to me as I am definitely a "Receiving Gifts" kinda gal....but it means even more when it's PURPLE! Why? Because knowing me well enough to know what I like and then gifting it to me is like finding a perfect parking space AND getting a free car wash all on the same day! Yet "Receiving Gifts" isn't limited to material things we purchase in a store; we can give a gift we made ourselves or plucked from our garden or flower patch too.
Lastly, when "Acts of Service" is your primary love language, you are all about loving it when others do something for you that you know they didn't have to do---but did anyway. Just being available to someone who is hurting, making a meal for someone who is sick, ironing a shirt, starting your partner's car for them in the winter time...these are just some minor examples of what an Act of Service can look like. With couples, a major Act of Service include actively loving your partner by being aware of and demonstrating to them THEIR primary love language and not just your own! What a concept!
By becoming aware of our own love languages in rank order...and at the very least the primary love language of those others we most love and care about...we will be better able to offer the "right" brand of loving acts that best satisfy our loved ones most---rather than just ourselves.
When a person's loving act(s) feels like suffocation, hopefully you now have a better understanding of how and why that happens. The "giver" is perhaps more focused in on his or her own primary love language...as opposed to being focused in on the recipient's primary love language instead. How am I supposed to feel genuinely loved by you when you are a "Words of Affirmation" person (as your primary love language) and I am a "Receiving Gifts" person (as my primary love language)? Telling me how great I am and how much you appreciate me doesn't mean as much to me as getting a gift from you. And for me, giving you a new book doesn't mean as much to you as me telling you how great you are and how much I appreciate you! When wires get crossed in this way, it is very easy to feel like someone is forcing their brand of loving onto us...without considering "who" we genuinely are and what we genuinely need to feel truly loved. And vice versa of course. As such, knowing and understanding this whole concept of love languages is a first step in learning how to love in ways that will be not only accepted and acknowledged, but authentically "loved" by those who are most important to us.
The book is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and may be found at most public libraries....
(4) Receiving Gifts, and (5) Acts of Service. It is possible for a person to have two love languages that are equally "primary"...such as Quality Time and Words of Affirmation...or Quality Time and Physical Touch (hopefully, you can see the need for the associations by these two examples!). Yet when push comes to shove, there is usually just one "love language" that stands out above all the others as a person's "primary" love language; the one love language that makes them feel the "most" loved above all overs.
For people whose primary love language is "Quality Time", they feel most loved and most cared for when they are given "face time" with their loved ones. We all know people like this. Talking on the phone, texting, or skyping is o.k., but it's not enough. To be in each other's presence, to be spending "quality time" with each other; this is what quality timers want and crave in order to feel best loved by others. One person's "quality time" may mean a minimum of two hours each night spent with their spouse and without any distractions. To someone else, "quality time" may mean two hours on each day of the weekend.
When your primary love language is "Words of Affirmation", you are all about being given verbal validation for "who" you are and/or what you have done that is good. When Words of Affirmation people hear something as simple as "I appreciate you!", they feel w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l from the inside out. Words of Affirmation communicate the uniqueness of a person while honoring at the same time his or her existence.
"Physical Touch" as a primary love language means that a person needs regular displays of affection in order to feel genuinely loved by others. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, backrubs, footrubs, etc. etc.; having physical contact is the glue that bonds these individuals most to those they love and care about. With physical touch, however, there are always appropriate boundaries to consider. Just because you want to reach out and touch someone doesn't necessarily mean they want to be touched by you no matter how much you care for them and vice versa...
The primary love language of "Receiving Gifts" has to do exactly with that. Receiving gifts! Even better, when the gift being given and received is indeed in line with what the recipient is all about and "loves" to begin with! For example, I love the color purple. Anyone who has been to our home knows this is true because there's lots of shades of purple floatin' around these here walls. As such, if someone comes over for dinner and happens to bring me a hostess gift...guess what? It means a lot to me as I am definitely a "Receiving Gifts" kinda gal....but it means even more when it's PURPLE! Why? Because knowing me well enough to know what I like and then gifting it to me is like finding a perfect parking space AND getting a free car wash all on the same day! Yet "Receiving Gifts" isn't limited to material things we purchase in a store; we can give a gift we made ourselves or plucked from our garden or flower patch too.
Lastly, when "Acts of Service" is your primary love language, you are all about loving it when others do something for you that you know they didn't have to do---but did anyway. Just being available to someone who is hurting, making a meal for someone who is sick, ironing a shirt, starting your partner's car for them in the winter time...these are just some minor examples of what an Act of Service can look like. With couples, a major Act of Service include actively loving your partner by being aware of and demonstrating to them THEIR primary love language and not just your own! What a concept!
By becoming aware of our own love languages in rank order...and at the very least the primary love language of those others we most love and care about...we will be better able to offer the "right" brand of loving acts that best satisfy our loved ones most---rather than just ourselves.
When a person's loving act(s) feels like suffocation, hopefully you now have a better understanding of how and why that happens. The "giver" is perhaps more focused in on his or her own primary love language...as opposed to being focused in on the recipient's primary love language instead. How am I supposed to feel genuinely loved by you when you are a "Words of Affirmation" person (as your primary love language) and I am a "Receiving Gifts" person (as my primary love language)? Telling me how great I am and how much you appreciate me doesn't mean as much to me as getting a gift from you. And for me, giving you a new book doesn't mean as much to you as me telling you how great you are and how much I appreciate you! When wires get crossed in this way, it is very easy to feel like someone is forcing their brand of loving onto us...without considering "who" we genuinely are and what we genuinely need to feel truly loved. And vice versa of course. As such, knowing and understanding this whole concept of love languages is a first step in learning how to love in ways that will be not only accepted and acknowledged, but authentically "loved" by those who are most important to us.
The book is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and may be found at most public libraries....