Imagine you just meeting someone at a party this weekend and finding out you share (or shared!) the same partner. What would you want to ask or say to that person....or have them ask you? Have you ever thought about this? Has it ever happened to you personally?
Today's blog post is about getting to truthful. With infidelity at record levels like no other time in history, what would you do if someone approached you at an event and announced "I've been sleeping with your man for the past six years!" Would you do what might come naturally to you (deny it? ignore it? go on the attack?)...or would you actually do the "right" thing for once? Note to readers: Doing the "right" thing does not necessarily mean staying in your present relationship for 40 or 50 years until your head falls off your neck!
In a country where "committed" relationships end on average every 36 seconds, we can't afford to keep our heads in the sand about "What's gone wrong?" when it comes to our past and present primary love relationship(s).
There is a saying that we are doomed to repeat history when we don't allow ourselves to learn from it. In many ways, I believe we have made a national past time of living in denial when it comes to facing our own ugly relationship truths. "Tell me a comfortable lie instead of an uncomfortable truth" is far easier to swallow than facing what we don't want to face.
There have been many books written on all the different ways couples put the screws to each other once the gild has come off their own relationship lily. Barring the gory details, everyone who does NOT do their own work of healing, recovery, and/or authentic reconciliation basically chooses to make lying their lifestyle. I've seen this over and over again with couples and families of all types.
Even more nefarious, when these folks believe they have the power to brainwash whomever they come in contact with about their own familial reality. We call it gaslighting in the biz...yet these gaslighters are clueless as to how they present themselves publicly. "Oh! No! My daughter is REALLY happy now with this boyfriend #347 because he's absolutely and without a doubt her SOUL MATE!" Okay. And what happens when boyfriend #347 finds his voice and disappoints your daughter for real and for sure in some way or another? What's your daughter gonna do then? Oh yes...that's right! She's going to check out of the relationship mentally and emotionally and start looking for boyfriend #347's replacement! Because that's been her pattern for the past fifteen years! Yet---who gets this stuff but those who have INSIGHT?! Not everyone has insight you know! Especially when insight requires the ability to face one's own dysfunctional patterns of behavior and try something DIFFERENT that isn't so hurtful and destructive...
Active addicts who find each other represents another whole kettle of fish...or garbage; however you choose to view it. And of course there is nothing more tragic and crazy-making than two active addicts who are raising children...or go ahead and have children together with or without the benefit of marriage. Just because other family members past or present did NOT appropriately recover from their own alcohol/drug/sex/codependency/"whatever" addiction(s)---does NOT mean that you or I can get away with it too. All that will happen is that the next generation of "messed up badly" grows up to repeat what has been sown within your own family plot. Which is not a good thing.
To face what scares us the most in our present relationship(s) is truly a better choice than to go on lying...to ourselves...our partner...our friends...our children...and our grandchildren. Sure, being honest can upset any proverbial house of cards...but to finally live in honesty is a whole lot better than living in the middle of (or a series of!) big fat lies.
Getting to truthful is based on fact. The facts stick around for ever. Feelings come and go like traffic. Instead of spinning your wheels and working so hard to juggle all those balls you put in the air yourself...try seeking and getting some real help. The truth really does work to set us free from those chains we have bound ourselves up in.
Until next time....
Today's blog post is about getting to truthful. With infidelity at record levels like no other time in history, what would you do if someone approached you at an event and announced "I've been sleeping with your man for the past six years!" Would you do what might come naturally to you (deny it? ignore it? go on the attack?)...or would you actually do the "right" thing for once? Note to readers: Doing the "right" thing does not necessarily mean staying in your present relationship for 40 or 50 years until your head falls off your neck!
In a country where "committed" relationships end on average every 36 seconds, we can't afford to keep our heads in the sand about "What's gone wrong?" when it comes to our past and present primary love relationship(s).
There is a saying that we are doomed to repeat history when we don't allow ourselves to learn from it. In many ways, I believe we have made a national past time of living in denial when it comes to facing our own ugly relationship truths. "Tell me a comfortable lie instead of an uncomfortable truth" is far easier to swallow than facing what we don't want to face.
There have been many books written on all the different ways couples put the screws to each other once the gild has come off their own relationship lily. Barring the gory details, everyone who does NOT do their own work of healing, recovery, and/or authentic reconciliation basically chooses to make lying their lifestyle. I've seen this over and over again with couples and families of all types.
Even more nefarious, when these folks believe they have the power to brainwash whomever they come in contact with about their own familial reality. We call it gaslighting in the biz...yet these gaslighters are clueless as to how they present themselves publicly. "Oh! No! My daughter is REALLY happy now with this boyfriend #347 because he's absolutely and without a doubt her SOUL MATE!" Okay. And what happens when boyfriend #347 finds his voice and disappoints your daughter for real and for sure in some way or another? What's your daughter gonna do then? Oh yes...that's right! She's going to check out of the relationship mentally and emotionally and start looking for boyfriend #347's replacement! Because that's been her pattern for the past fifteen years! Yet---who gets this stuff but those who have INSIGHT?! Not everyone has insight you know! Especially when insight requires the ability to face one's own dysfunctional patterns of behavior and try something DIFFERENT that isn't so hurtful and destructive...
Active addicts who find each other represents another whole kettle of fish...or garbage; however you choose to view it. And of course there is nothing more tragic and crazy-making than two active addicts who are raising children...or go ahead and have children together with or without the benefit of marriage. Just because other family members past or present did NOT appropriately recover from their own alcohol/drug/sex/codependency/"whatever" addiction(s)---does NOT mean that you or I can get away with it too. All that will happen is that the next generation of "messed up badly" grows up to repeat what has been sown within your own family plot. Which is not a good thing.
To face what scares us the most in our present relationship(s) is truly a better choice than to go on lying...to ourselves...our partner...our friends...our children...and our grandchildren. Sure, being honest can upset any proverbial house of cards...but to finally live in honesty is a whole lot better than living in the middle of (or a series of!) big fat lies.
Getting to truthful is based on fact. The facts stick around for ever. Feelings come and go like traffic. Instead of spinning your wheels and working so hard to juggle all those balls you put in the air yourself...try seeking and getting some real help. The truth really does work to set us free from those chains we have bound ourselves up in.
Until next time....