Do you remember the first time you felt "bad" for being who you are? I don't mean bad in the sense of how you behaved or what you said; I am talking about you feeling bad for your very existence. When I sense this integral sense of inequality in my new clients, I often ask them if it was o.k. for them to be born a boy (or a girl) within their family of origin. For others, it's as simple as asking if they were a "wanted" child at the time of their birth. Some clients immediately understand where I am coming from and will say, "No...not at all! My parents expected a boy and got stuck with me instead..." or "I've been told my entire life I was a big mistake..." To start out life as a "problem" to one or both of one's own parents sets the tone for a life of submission---or rebellion. To be a giver...or a taker. To be, in a word, codependent. To be, in another couple of words, an object. To be, in yet a third manner of speaking, unequal.
When we are codependent, we don't treat ourselves as equal to anybody else.....and we certainly don't treat others around us as equal to us. Everybody is an object...a thing. Instead of authentic love, authentic respect, and authentic freedom of choice being at the center of our relationship dynamics...everyone is perceived as a potential means to an end (the end we or the other person most desires that is!). Rather than getting to understand ourselves and others well on an ongoing basis, none of that truly matters. Like the Janet Jackson song of many moons ago, our codependent lives function to communicate the following message(s): "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" (for the codependent taker in each of us) and/or "What I Have Done for You Lately!" (for the codependent giver in each of us ).
To be equal means that everyone does have a right to their own beliefs, attitudes, and opinions...and to be treated with respect and the freedom to make their own choices. It also means to expect honest and open sharing (of information) and caring (exchanges of care) in the name of love...not convenience or manipulation.
So how does this all work when so many of us won't even give some people the time of day because they appear a certain way that we don't like? This equality thing is bigger than we want to acknowledge, let alone realize. If we can't even speak kindly to certain someones based on our initial seven-second impression of them...how are we going to truly practice equality in our day-to-day personal lives and important "love" relationships? We won't be able to do it, no matter how much we lie to ourselves that the opposite is true.
As objectifying ourselves and others is the foundation of the codependent lifestyle, so is a prideful attitude. When we are prideful, we really believe we deserve good things no matter what the cost (to someone else that is!). I am reminded of the anxiety-disordered wife who had no clue how her day-to-day anxiety negatively impacted her husband and children. In her mind, she was a "great" mother and a "great" wife...and yet she constantly expected things around the house (and in her life) to be done her way so as to keep her calm...and happy...and safe...and "stress free". Her anxiety became the center of her household's universe; not much different than when an alcoholic in denial or a drug addict is running the show at home. Everyone has to make sure "mama" is o.k. in order for the other household members to be "o.k." too. Wow. Talk about inequality! Mama and the managing of her anxiety by other people in the house #1 priority....daddy and his ability to "fix" whatever makes mama anxious on any given day #2 priority...and kids and their ability to be available on demand and without drama attached to trigger mama's anxiety #3 priority. Sheesh.
To be equal also means that real and authentic "sharing and caring" is at the center of the relationship rather than "You do this for me...and maybe I'll do that for you." Honest and open sharing of information...and exchanges of care is at the center of any love relationship. We are open, honest, and vulnerable...and yet we remain responsible for our own "stuff" without trying to dump it on our partner or someone (anyone!) else. You can't go to work for me everyday. I can't stop you from drinking six beers every night after work. There are many things we are meant to do on our own and for ourselves which represent our own "knapsack" of daily responsibilities. When we are codependent, all bets are off. You do this for me (that I should actually be doing for myself but won't!)...and then maybe I'll do this for you (which you may not even have wanted or asked for in the first place!). Over time, everything gets so mixed up and screwed up that life CAN feel like this classic definition for codependency: "I'm drowning, but your life is flashing before my eyes!" UGH!
Not a good way to live---or to die for that matter.
To break the pattern of objectification and make the move towards a more equal footing in our primary relationships, we can start by being and becoming clear what we are and what we are NOT responsible for. I am not responsible for managing your anxiety for you on a daily basis. You are not responsible for my drinking six beers after work every night. Kid #1 is not responsible for entertaining us when we are bored. Kid #2 is not responsible for being a "star" athlete because it was always a dream of mine that was never realized. Etc. etc. etc.
To be equal isn't as easy as it looks now does it? If you need help, I'm only a phone call away. (248)561-8660.
Until next post...
When we are codependent, we don't treat ourselves as equal to anybody else.....and we certainly don't treat others around us as equal to us. Everybody is an object...a thing. Instead of authentic love, authentic respect, and authentic freedom of choice being at the center of our relationship dynamics...everyone is perceived as a potential means to an end (the end we or the other person most desires that is!). Rather than getting to understand ourselves and others well on an ongoing basis, none of that truly matters. Like the Janet Jackson song of many moons ago, our codependent lives function to communicate the following message(s): "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" (for the codependent taker in each of us) and/or "What I Have Done for You Lately!" (for the codependent giver in each of us ).
To be equal means that everyone does have a right to their own beliefs, attitudes, and opinions...and to be treated with respect and the freedom to make their own choices. It also means to expect honest and open sharing (of information) and caring (exchanges of care) in the name of love...not convenience or manipulation.
So how does this all work when so many of us won't even give some people the time of day because they appear a certain way that we don't like? This equality thing is bigger than we want to acknowledge, let alone realize. If we can't even speak kindly to certain someones based on our initial seven-second impression of them...how are we going to truly practice equality in our day-to-day personal lives and important "love" relationships? We won't be able to do it, no matter how much we lie to ourselves that the opposite is true.
As objectifying ourselves and others is the foundation of the codependent lifestyle, so is a prideful attitude. When we are prideful, we really believe we deserve good things no matter what the cost (to someone else that is!). I am reminded of the anxiety-disordered wife who had no clue how her day-to-day anxiety negatively impacted her husband and children. In her mind, she was a "great" mother and a "great" wife...and yet she constantly expected things around the house (and in her life) to be done her way so as to keep her calm...and happy...and safe...and "stress free". Her anxiety became the center of her household's universe; not much different than when an alcoholic in denial or a drug addict is running the show at home. Everyone has to make sure "mama" is o.k. in order for the other household members to be "o.k." too. Wow. Talk about inequality! Mama and the managing of her anxiety by other people in the house #1 priority....daddy and his ability to "fix" whatever makes mama anxious on any given day #2 priority...and kids and their ability to be available on demand and without drama attached to trigger mama's anxiety #3 priority. Sheesh.
To be equal also means that real and authentic "sharing and caring" is at the center of the relationship rather than "You do this for me...and maybe I'll do that for you." Honest and open sharing of information...and exchanges of care is at the center of any love relationship. We are open, honest, and vulnerable...and yet we remain responsible for our own "stuff" without trying to dump it on our partner or someone (anyone!) else. You can't go to work for me everyday. I can't stop you from drinking six beers every night after work. There are many things we are meant to do on our own and for ourselves which represent our own "knapsack" of daily responsibilities. When we are codependent, all bets are off. You do this for me (that I should actually be doing for myself but won't!)...and then maybe I'll do this for you (which you may not even have wanted or asked for in the first place!). Over time, everything gets so mixed up and screwed up that life CAN feel like this classic definition for codependency: "I'm drowning, but your life is flashing before my eyes!" UGH!
Not a good way to live---or to die for that matter.
To break the pattern of objectification and make the move towards a more equal footing in our primary relationships, we can start by being and becoming clear what we are and what we are NOT responsible for. I am not responsible for managing your anxiety for you on a daily basis. You are not responsible for my drinking six beers after work every night. Kid #1 is not responsible for entertaining us when we are bored. Kid #2 is not responsible for being a "star" athlete because it was always a dream of mine that was never realized. Etc. etc. etc.
To be equal isn't as easy as it looks now does it? If you need help, I'm only a phone call away. (248)561-8660.
Until next post...