I've mentioned it often enough. Any problem or issue we have can only be solved, resolved, or dissolved. Today, I am going to talk about solving a problem and exactly what that means. Before you roll your eyeballs and think to yourself "What's there new to know about solving a problem?!", I'm here to tell you...PLENTY!
When any of us have a problem to solve, that means the problem is ours alone to solve and nobody else's responsiblity to "solve" for us. This is very different from "resolving" a problem where two or more people share the same issue or problem and each are responsible for doing their own part to "resolve" it.
For example, let's say you woke up this morning and had a headache. What do you do next? Do you call your best friend and say "I woke up with a headache; come over immediately and make it go away!"? Of course not. Do you go downstairs to the kitchen to see if you have any headache medication in your cupboard? (That would be a start!) If you do have medication, do you call out to your partner and say "I woke up with a headache, bring me a glass of water so I can take this headache medication!"? Again, of course not. Are you getting the picture here? When we have a problem that is solveable, that means we can solve it on our own and by ourselves. We don't need someone else to be involved in the solution process. We just do our work and solve the problem we have by ourselves.
Now imagine after you took that headache medication and your headache went away, you realize that your house looks like the inside of a filled dumpster. Now what? Well, if you have someone living with you...it would be perfectly appropriate to call out to them and say "Hey! This place is a pit! We need to clean it!" As to when you both will clean it is a matter of discussion; in the end, you both would have "resolved" your dirty house issue by each doing your part to resolve this shared problem!
Funny though. When we do have a problem that is ours alone to solve, it's amazing how often we will recruit others to get and be involved with our problem! "I can't find a job; I want to be a fashion editor!" Okay. That's a problem. But I don't need to find a job and I don't want to be a fashion editor....so exactly HOW am I supposed to help you with solving this particular problem you have? Last time I checked, I'm not the CEO of Vogue magazine so....???? Listen, it's one thing to encourage, inspire, and otherwise attempt to motivate someone you care about into doing their work of solving their own problem(s). But when a person with a problem is saying and doing all sorts of things OTHER than working to solve their own problem...we got a whole other problem! As a psychotherapist, I know clients in this boat regarding career changes or career choices can go to specific online resources to help them figure out exactly what it is they can do and how. Yet...is it my job to do that research for them? Of course not! It's their OWN work to do. But if they would rather just ignore solving their problem or talking about it ad nausem to everyone they know...then guess what? It's not as "big" as a problem to them as the rest of us may have been otherwise led to believe. This, by the way, is one of the key issues in psychotherapy that signals to us therapists when a personality disorder may be present within our midsts. Someone comes in to solve a particular problem they have and wants professional assistance...but then they don't do what they have been advised to do and promised that they were going to do. Sure, we can offer a pass for the first or second "Oh I forgot.." or "Oh, I didn't have time this past week.." But when this happens a third, fourth, and fifth time...there's something bigger going on than the problem to be solved.
To recap here, if a person really is serious about solving a problem he or she has..then he or she will solve it in a timely enough manner. Period. In some cases, this may involve the assistance of a trained professional to specify "next step" strategies that the person hasn't before thought of, known about, or recognized. In other words, when the person with the problem feels "stuck" and unaware of what to do next. If the problem is medically based, that's what doctors are for. If the problem is learning based, that's what psychologists, psychiatrists, and neurology-based professionals are for. If the problem is addiction based, that's what addictionologists, AA, NA, rehab, and psychotherapy are for.
What does NOT work is when a problem to be solved is actively avoided and ignored by not only the person with the problem...but by his or her co-conspirators as well. "Well, you don't understand. My little Johnny can't accept a 40 hour a week job at McDonald's! He's better than that!" Really? Because guess what? If little Johnny isn't working a "real" job yet is 24 years old, still living at home, smokin' up that headband every weekend---how's that workin' for Johnny in solving his own problem regarding his current unemployment status?" It's just not. What mommy and daddy don't want anybody else to know in this regard is that so long as Johnny never leaves them and moves out, they'll put up with anything Johnny does or doesn't do to solve his own problems. What parents! Somebody pass me a trophy...puleeze!
Avoidance of our own problems can sure get twisted up as we involve more and more people in our tangled web of self-deceit, codependence, and lack of appropriate and timely action. There is a dramatic series out of Finland that just popped up on Acorn tv's live stream in recent weeks. It's called "Easy Living" and is about a family with many unsolved issues and problems. Even after the first episode, it's clear how easy it is to just pretend a problem we have is NOT a problem we have and have the power to solve.
So...there you go. My problem is not your problem. Your problem is not my problem. As such, you solve your problem as it IS your problem to solve in the first place...and I'll solve mine. And if motivation, encouragement, or inspiration is needed as part of that process...go ahead and ask for it. Just remember, the work still has to be done. So do your work.
When any of us have a problem to solve, that means the problem is ours alone to solve and nobody else's responsiblity to "solve" for us. This is very different from "resolving" a problem where two or more people share the same issue or problem and each are responsible for doing their own part to "resolve" it.
For example, let's say you woke up this morning and had a headache. What do you do next? Do you call your best friend and say "I woke up with a headache; come over immediately and make it go away!"? Of course not. Do you go downstairs to the kitchen to see if you have any headache medication in your cupboard? (That would be a start!) If you do have medication, do you call out to your partner and say "I woke up with a headache, bring me a glass of water so I can take this headache medication!"? Again, of course not. Are you getting the picture here? When we have a problem that is solveable, that means we can solve it on our own and by ourselves. We don't need someone else to be involved in the solution process. We just do our work and solve the problem we have by ourselves.
Now imagine after you took that headache medication and your headache went away, you realize that your house looks like the inside of a filled dumpster. Now what? Well, if you have someone living with you...it would be perfectly appropriate to call out to them and say "Hey! This place is a pit! We need to clean it!" As to when you both will clean it is a matter of discussion; in the end, you both would have "resolved" your dirty house issue by each doing your part to resolve this shared problem!
Funny though. When we do have a problem that is ours alone to solve, it's amazing how often we will recruit others to get and be involved with our problem! "I can't find a job; I want to be a fashion editor!" Okay. That's a problem. But I don't need to find a job and I don't want to be a fashion editor....so exactly HOW am I supposed to help you with solving this particular problem you have? Last time I checked, I'm not the CEO of Vogue magazine so....???? Listen, it's one thing to encourage, inspire, and otherwise attempt to motivate someone you care about into doing their work of solving their own problem(s). But when a person with a problem is saying and doing all sorts of things OTHER than working to solve their own problem...we got a whole other problem! As a psychotherapist, I know clients in this boat regarding career changes or career choices can go to specific online resources to help them figure out exactly what it is they can do and how. Yet...is it my job to do that research for them? Of course not! It's their OWN work to do. But if they would rather just ignore solving their problem or talking about it ad nausem to everyone they know...then guess what? It's not as "big" as a problem to them as the rest of us may have been otherwise led to believe. This, by the way, is one of the key issues in psychotherapy that signals to us therapists when a personality disorder may be present within our midsts. Someone comes in to solve a particular problem they have and wants professional assistance...but then they don't do what they have been advised to do and promised that they were going to do. Sure, we can offer a pass for the first or second "Oh I forgot.." or "Oh, I didn't have time this past week.." But when this happens a third, fourth, and fifth time...there's something bigger going on than the problem to be solved.
To recap here, if a person really is serious about solving a problem he or she has..then he or she will solve it in a timely enough manner. Period. In some cases, this may involve the assistance of a trained professional to specify "next step" strategies that the person hasn't before thought of, known about, or recognized. In other words, when the person with the problem feels "stuck" and unaware of what to do next. If the problem is medically based, that's what doctors are for. If the problem is learning based, that's what psychologists, psychiatrists, and neurology-based professionals are for. If the problem is addiction based, that's what addictionologists, AA, NA, rehab, and psychotherapy are for.
What does NOT work is when a problem to be solved is actively avoided and ignored by not only the person with the problem...but by his or her co-conspirators as well. "Well, you don't understand. My little Johnny can't accept a 40 hour a week job at McDonald's! He's better than that!" Really? Because guess what? If little Johnny isn't working a "real" job yet is 24 years old, still living at home, smokin' up that headband every weekend---how's that workin' for Johnny in solving his own problem regarding his current unemployment status?" It's just not. What mommy and daddy don't want anybody else to know in this regard is that so long as Johnny never leaves them and moves out, they'll put up with anything Johnny does or doesn't do to solve his own problems. What parents! Somebody pass me a trophy...puleeze!
Avoidance of our own problems can sure get twisted up as we involve more and more people in our tangled web of self-deceit, codependence, and lack of appropriate and timely action. There is a dramatic series out of Finland that just popped up on Acorn tv's live stream in recent weeks. It's called "Easy Living" and is about a family with many unsolved issues and problems. Even after the first episode, it's clear how easy it is to just pretend a problem we have is NOT a problem we have and have the power to solve.
So...there you go. My problem is not your problem. Your problem is not my problem. As such, you solve your problem as it IS your problem to solve in the first place...and I'll solve mine. And if motivation, encouragement, or inspiration is needed as part of that process...go ahead and ask for it. Just remember, the work still has to be done. So do your work.