Last post, I spoke about how any close personal relationship involves an ongoing series of negotiations and compromises till death us do part. When the process works, the parties involved have been successful at getting some or all of their respective needs met by one another on an ongoing-enough basis. They have also been successful at authentically understanding one another's needs in that present moment so as to make the successful compromises that they do make. Over time, this mutual understanding is the foundation for authentic emotional intimacy between any two people. No one understand him like you do, and nobody understands you like he does.
When attempts at negotiating our own needs' satisfaction seems to fail over and over again and/or instantly leads to war between the parties involved...the fly in that ointment is a lack of mutual understanding.
Are you surprised by this statement? You shouldn't be. People who make a habit of making sure their own needs are satisfied more often than not are pretty lousy at authentically understanding the needs of their "other". Why should they? If we don't allow ourselves to understand what someone else genuinely needs from us, let alone what has been sacrificed on their part for our own needs satisfaction...authentic guilt may become an unwelcome companion in our own lives. And who wants that?
This unwillingness to acknowledge and understand the needs of "the other" during any negotiation process is why and how wars get started in the first place---regardless if these wars occur between countries, between neighbors, or between couples claiming to be in love with one another. When the attempt at negotiating needs' satisfaction goes quickly to war...this means literally that one or both parties have no interest in mutually understanding each other "now" because...??? Because of the built-up anger, resentment, and bitterness that has been brought to the table by one or both individual(s).
Yet it isn't just the selfish taker who is responsible for this lack of mutual understanding as part of the negotiation and subsequent compromise process. It is also the selfless giver who is equially responsible for driving any negotiation of needs process into the ditch on a routine enough basis.
Examples are always good at a time like this. Joe and Sue have been married for a year. They just had a baby six months ago. Sue has noticed that Joe is having a very difficult time bonding with the baby. He seems to perform the perfunctory duties when he leaves for work in the morning, "..bye bye little boy! I love you!"...and when he comes home at night, "...where's my big strong boy? Daddy's home!" But other than a once-in-a-while rocking, diaper change, and/or feeding...Joe, in Sue's opinion, is pretty much UNinvolved in baby Connor's life.
What would you do given that you were in Sue's shoes? Would you just keep your mouth shut and hope for the best? Would you say to yourself, "Well, the mother raises the kids anyway so what am I complaining about?" Would you wait another six months and let your festering disappointment over Joe's lack of involvement transform into something bigger like anger and/or resentment towards Joe? Would you just forget about it because Joe would get mad at you? What exactly would you do...if anything?
THIS is why negotiating your own needs' satisfaction in your close personal relationships is so important! We teach people how to treat us by our own choices! Nobody knows what is upsetting you, or causing you to feel afraid, or confused, or angry...because nobody can READ YOUR MIND! Not even your spouse...not even your best friend...not even your mother or father, sister or brother. If you don't know what you want or need, you will only end up getting what others feel like giving you!
At one end of this spectrum are all those people who expect that they deserve and should get whatever they want and need whenever they feel like having it. At the other end are all those people who live in such fear of rejection...such fear of conflict...such fear of confrontation and compromise...that they give up their own personal power at the drop of ANY hat.
As such, how can there be ANY mutual understanding if you have one person whose personal mantra is "GIVE IT TO ME NOW!" and the other's mantra is "PLEASE DON'T REJECT ME EVER!" What a combo! No wonder so many couples and families end up in the ditch over the course of time. Nobody is negotiating anything much, and still are left feeling hurt, angry, lonely, and guilty a LOT of the time.
Negotiating your needs for the codependent taker in you means that you STOP and LISTEN to what your partner is saying about what they need and want from you. If they don't know how to say it clearly enough, help them out by asking "What do you mean by that? Can you tell me more about what that means? Can you give me examples of what it is you are saying you need from me?" Until you truly and deeply and authentically understand what your partner needs...it is only then when you can begin to negotiate and offer compromises based on the HONEST conversation that has gone on between you. Memo: even if your partner doesn't say anything, you can always ask "Honey, is there anything that you need from me now?"
Negotiating your needs for the codependent giver in you means that you IDENTIFY and EXPRESS exactly what it is you do need and want from your partner...and in a timely manner oh by the way. Don't be so quick to surrender your needs in order to avoid this type of stretching (of yourself!). Throwing yourself under the bus doesn't mean you will get your own need(s) met next time around. Read the following and commit it to memory to inspire yourself in this regard:
When attempts at negotiating our own needs' satisfaction seems to fail over and over again and/or instantly leads to war between the parties involved...the fly in that ointment is a lack of mutual understanding.
Are you surprised by this statement? You shouldn't be. People who make a habit of making sure their own needs are satisfied more often than not are pretty lousy at authentically understanding the needs of their "other". Why should they? If we don't allow ourselves to understand what someone else genuinely needs from us, let alone what has been sacrificed on their part for our own needs satisfaction...authentic guilt may become an unwelcome companion in our own lives. And who wants that?
This unwillingness to acknowledge and understand the needs of "the other" during any negotiation process is why and how wars get started in the first place---regardless if these wars occur between countries, between neighbors, or between couples claiming to be in love with one another. When the attempt at negotiating needs' satisfaction goes quickly to war...this means literally that one or both parties have no interest in mutually understanding each other "now" because...??? Because of the built-up anger, resentment, and bitterness that has been brought to the table by one or both individual(s).
Yet it isn't just the selfish taker who is responsible for this lack of mutual understanding as part of the negotiation and subsequent compromise process. It is also the selfless giver who is equially responsible for driving any negotiation of needs process into the ditch on a routine enough basis.
Examples are always good at a time like this. Joe and Sue have been married for a year. They just had a baby six months ago. Sue has noticed that Joe is having a very difficult time bonding with the baby. He seems to perform the perfunctory duties when he leaves for work in the morning, "..bye bye little boy! I love you!"...and when he comes home at night, "...where's my big strong boy? Daddy's home!" But other than a once-in-a-while rocking, diaper change, and/or feeding...Joe, in Sue's opinion, is pretty much UNinvolved in baby Connor's life.
What would you do given that you were in Sue's shoes? Would you just keep your mouth shut and hope for the best? Would you say to yourself, "Well, the mother raises the kids anyway so what am I complaining about?" Would you wait another six months and let your festering disappointment over Joe's lack of involvement transform into something bigger like anger and/or resentment towards Joe? Would you just forget about it because Joe would get mad at you? What exactly would you do...if anything?
THIS is why negotiating your own needs' satisfaction in your close personal relationships is so important! We teach people how to treat us by our own choices! Nobody knows what is upsetting you, or causing you to feel afraid, or confused, or angry...because nobody can READ YOUR MIND! Not even your spouse...not even your best friend...not even your mother or father, sister or brother. If you don't know what you want or need, you will only end up getting what others feel like giving you!
At one end of this spectrum are all those people who expect that they deserve and should get whatever they want and need whenever they feel like having it. At the other end are all those people who live in such fear of rejection...such fear of conflict...such fear of confrontation and compromise...that they give up their own personal power at the drop of ANY hat.
As such, how can there be ANY mutual understanding if you have one person whose personal mantra is "GIVE IT TO ME NOW!" and the other's mantra is "PLEASE DON'T REJECT ME EVER!" What a combo! No wonder so many couples and families end up in the ditch over the course of time. Nobody is negotiating anything much, and still are left feeling hurt, angry, lonely, and guilty a LOT of the time.
Negotiating your needs for the codependent taker in you means that you STOP and LISTEN to what your partner is saying about what they need and want from you. If they don't know how to say it clearly enough, help them out by asking "What do you mean by that? Can you tell me more about what that means? Can you give me examples of what it is you are saying you need from me?" Until you truly and deeply and authentically understand what your partner needs...it is only then when you can begin to negotiate and offer compromises based on the HONEST conversation that has gone on between you. Memo: even if your partner doesn't say anything, you can always ask "Honey, is there anything that you need from me now?"
Negotiating your needs for the codependent giver in you means that you IDENTIFY and EXPRESS exactly what it is you do need and want from your partner...and in a timely manner oh by the way. Don't be so quick to surrender your needs in order to avoid this type of stretching (of yourself!). Throwing yourself under the bus doesn't mean you will get your own need(s) met next time around. Read the following and commit it to memory to inspire yourself in this regard:
"Nobody learns how to comfortably serve others by becoming comfortable with being served by others."
Your "goal" of modeling your own method of needs' satisfaction to your partner isn't going to work when all you are doing is teaching him or her how to become more selfish. Negotiating and compromise is its own work; nobody learns how to do it successfully in any close personal relationship when your role in it is either surrendering too quickly, taking too often, or engaging in war too easily.
Until next time...