When you think about it, every close personal relationship involves a series of negotiations and a series of compromises. This is the goal of any successful negotiation process. Both parties "win" something that they want and/or have asked for from the other person. The compromises that have been made by both parties leads to a "win/win" outcome. This is also the same process involved when two people are "resolving" an issue that they have with each other---or with other people as a couple.
Before I go one step further, may I mention that there are plenty of people among us who don't even see or recognize the importance of negotiation and compromise as part of any close personal relationship. They may get it at work...they may even engage in it frequently at work. But to invest themselves in understanding others very well (on a personal level)..or in being understood by others very well...forget it. They just don't want to invest the time and energy in some or all of that. This is why, unfortunately, so many couples who come into see me are like "Huh?!" when we start discussing negotiating needs satisfaction in their relationship with each other. Invariably, one will say "I just give him whatever he wants!" or "Negotiate?! What's to negotiate?! I just do whatever she tells me to do!" Not a good plan. This means whomever is throwing themselves under the bus in the name of "love" really and truly doesn't think much of themselves in the way(s) that they should for a start. I'm just sayin...
So...as a first "goal"...any negotiation of needs satisfaction requires discussion (with respect!)...mutual understanding (with more respect!)...and mutual compromise.
When the negotiation process does not lead to compromises where each person in the relationship feels like they are getting enough of their present need(s) met to some extent---then this is when "surrender" enters the picture.
With the act of surrender, one person gets some, most, or all of what they need(ed) or want(ed) in the present moment...while the other person has surrendered. The person who has surrendered has stopped negotiating for what they, themselves, need(ed) or want(ed) in that same present moment. When the person who has surrendered is NOT angry, resentful, or bitter about what they just gave up...then this means that their surrendering moment represented an act of "loving sacrifice". In other words, this is a "win/lose" situation on the face of it (one person got something, the other person didn't get anything)...yet it is also a "win/win" situation on an emotional and spiritual level. The "loser" who surrendered lovingly sacrificed his or her need(s), in the present moment, in order to allow the other person to get their need(s) met.
In speaking with clients about "loving sacrifice", I make a point to stress how it is NOT to be confused with codependent giving. Codependent giving is when someone will give and give and give to whomever and then flip out at some point about "After all I've done for YOU...!"--or croak from their self-martyrdom gone amok
Codependent givers don't really bother to find out what anyone authentically wants or needs from them in any given present moment; they just know what they themselves want and need and they'll give themselves into the graveyard so long as they think they are going to get it from whomever and whenever. What do codependent givers want and need more than anything else on planet earth? Well, funny you should ask that question! Codependent givers want and need unconditional APPROVAL, ACCEPTANCE, and LOVE from whomever they set their sights on as a general rule. Therefore, their giving is based on what is going to GET them that approval, acceptance,and love that they so desperately need and want...all day and everyday pretty much. If you ever wondered, oh by the way, why a wife stays with her womanizing alcoholic husband who has jumped pretty much every set of live bones in their town, now you know why. She's a codependent giver and her OWN ongoing need for approval, acceptance, and love will cause her to throw herself under those bus wheels every single time. Codependent giving is NOT loving sacrifice. Do not get the two mixed up.
As such, there is no such thing as loving sacrifice involved when a codependent giver is at the wheel. Loving sacrifice means that BOTH parties in a relationship know and have communicated to each other what they each need and want on an ongoing basis. Loving sacrifice means that the person who gets what they need and want...they "know" and "realize" and "acknowledge" what the other person has given up in order for their own need to be met in that present moment. The negotiation process has led to this outcome; yet the surrendering party isn't going to hold a grudge, or cop a negative attitude towards the other person, or get bitter about what just happened. That is loving sacrifice!
Think Grand Torino (the movie, not the car!) if you want to witness a movie all about loving sacrifice (in the end!) and what it means. Think Jesus of Nazareth. Think anyone who is doing something "more" for someone else's needs satisfaction than they are for their own---and with no expectations or strings attached.
Next post, what happens when "war" ensues as part of the negotiation process....
Before I go one step further, may I mention that there are plenty of people among us who don't even see or recognize the importance of negotiation and compromise as part of any close personal relationship. They may get it at work...they may even engage in it frequently at work. But to invest themselves in understanding others very well (on a personal level)..or in being understood by others very well...forget it. They just don't want to invest the time and energy in some or all of that. This is why, unfortunately, so many couples who come into see me are like "Huh?!" when we start discussing negotiating needs satisfaction in their relationship with each other. Invariably, one will say "I just give him whatever he wants!" or "Negotiate?! What's to negotiate?! I just do whatever she tells me to do!" Not a good plan. This means whomever is throwing themselves under the bus in the name of "love" really and truly doesn't think much of themselves in the way(s) that they should for a start. I'm just sayin...
So...as a first "goal"...any negotiation of needs satisfaction requires discussion (with respect!)...mutual understanding (with more respect!)...and mutual compromise.
When the negotiation process does not lead to compromises where each person in the relationship feels like they are getting enough of their present need(s) met to some extent---then this is when "surrender" enters the picture.
With the act of surrender, one person gets some, most, or all of what they need(ed) or want(ed) in the present moment...while the other person has surrendered. The person who has surrendered has stopped negotiating for what they, themselves, need(ed) or want(ed) in that same present moment. When the person who has surrendered is NOT angry, resentful, or bitter about what they just gave up...then this means that their surrendering moment represented an act of "loving sacrifice". In other words, this is a "win/lose" situation on the face of it (one person got something, the other person didn't get anything)...yet it is also a "win/win" situation on an emotional and spiritual level. The "loser" who surrendered lovingly sacrificed his or her need(s), in the present moment, in order to allow the other person to get their need(s) met.
In speaking with clients about "loving sacrifice", I make a point to stress how it is NOT to be confused with codependent giving. Codependent giving is when someone will give and give and give to whomever and then flip out at some point about "After all I've done for YOU...!"--or croak from their self-martyrdom gone amok
Codependent givers don't really bother to find out what anyone authentically wants or needs from them in any given present moment; they just know what they themselves want and need and they'll give themselves into the graveyard so long as they think they are going to get it from whomever and whenever. What do codependent givers want and need more than anything else on planet earth? Well, funny you should ask that question! Codependent givers want and need unconditional APPROVAL, ACCEPTANCE, and LOVE from whomever they set their sights on as a general rule. Therefore, their giving is based on what is going to GET them that approval, acceptance,and love that they so desperately need and want...all day and everyday pretty much. If you ever wondered, oh by the way, why a wife stays with her womanizing alcoholic husband who has jumped pretty much every set of live bones in their town, now you know why. She's a codependent giver and her OWN ongoing need for approval, acceptance, and love will cause her to throw herself under those bus wheels every single time. Codependent giving is NOT loving sacrifice. Do not get the two mixed up.
As such, there is no such thing as loving sacrifice involved when a codependent giver is at the wheel. Loving sacrifice means that BOTH parties in a relationship know and have communicated to each other what they each need and want on an ongoing basis. Loving sacrifice means that the person who gets what they need and want...they "know" and "realize" and "acknowledge" what the other person has given up in order for their own need to be met in that present moment. The negotiation process has led to this outcome; yet the surrendering party isn't going to hold a grudge, or cop a negative attitude towards the other person, or get bitter about what just happened. That is loving sacrifice!
Think Grand Torino (the movie, not the car!) if you want to witness a movie all about loving sacrifice (in the end!) and what it means. Think Jesus of Nazareth. Think anyone who is doing something "more" for someone else's needs satisfaction than they are for their own---and with no expectations or strings attached.
Next post, what happens when "war" ensues as part of the negotiation process....