Refer to my last post to get caught up regarding our Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) and how to start stomping them out (of your mind) by type of species...
The first species of ANTs is "Always or Never" Thinking.
Often referred to also as Black/White Thinking, this particular species of ANT (automatic negative thoughts) focuses in on our personal prejudices across all areas of our own functioning. And I don't just mean negative prejudices when I say that; we can just as easily be prejudiced towards some place, some thing, or some person in a false positive way also. One author I especially admire put the reasons why we are prejudiced to begin with very eloquently; she said it has everything to do with "superiority". She's right. When we believe something or someone is "all good"...we believe it---or them---or we---are "superior". And when we believe something or someone is "all bad"....we believe it---or them---or him or her----are "inferior". If you prefer to frame this as George Carlin the late comedian once did, he said: "How come everyone who drives faster than me is a maniac...but everyone who drives slower than me is a moron?" This is what Always or Never and Black/White thinking is like. We are at the center of our own universe; whatever we want and get or like or have is "superior" and ALWAYS positive. Anything else is basically dog doo on the bottom of our shoe. This is a tough way to live because it makes us close minded, unwilling to receive new information and process it appropriately, and unable to see the shades of gray that exist in all things and all people between that black and white (and always/never) continuum...
The second species of ANTs is "I Beat Myself Up With Guilt" Thinking.
Put another way, this is the "I feel I SHOULD have..." whatever whatever line of thinking. Listen, there is a difference between legit guilt and toxic guilt. I've blogged about this before. Healthy guilt is a signal to yourself that what you are saying or doing is absolutely wrong as in sinful, immoral, illegal, self-serving, and/or manipulative. That's one thing. At least with that you can do something about it to make the situation right again..such as the three "R"s (Recognize, Repent, and Repair the damage you have caused!).
Toxic guilt, on the other hand, is a way to excuse yourself from living in the present moments of your life. If something needs to be faced and managed appropriately, there's nothing like toxic guilt to keep you from doing your own work. Kind of like that paralysis of analysis except toxic guilt is what we're using instead of the analysis part. By being and feeling "guilty" so much of the time...what else is there to do or think about? It can become a very comfortable place to live in mentally and psychologically speaking. Toxic guilt relative to present-day circumstances often has to do with being over-responsible for someone else's issues or problems that do not legitimately belong to you. I had a mom tell me the other day that her son blamed her for his heroin addiction. He "expected" more from her and his dad when he graduated from high school and when he didn't get it...he said not being "set up" was why he began to dabble in heroin. I responded by saying that was the first case I ever knew of whereby a heroin addict figured that his own narcissism was the reason why he started using! But for her, she was tormented believing (the lie!) that not setting him up after high school in the way that he wanted may have truly causes his heroin use. NOT!
The third species of ANTs is "It's Your Fault!" Thinking.
We all have issues with blaming other people for our own problems. It's pretty much human nature. Look at Adam and Eve. When confronted by God, Adam blamed Eve...and Eve blamed the serpent. I can assure you neither of them went to school to learn what "blame" was and how to practice it successfully in life. This "It's Your Fault!"thinking is what allows us to avoid personal responsibility for our own stuff...whatever that stuff may be. It's your fault I'm fat because you want to eat at Big Boy whenever we go out. It's your fault I'm ugly because you didn't pay for my plastic surgery. It's your fault I'm stupid because you are stupid and I'm your kid. I hope you are catching my drift here. This species of ANTs is especially destructive because it is so easy to stay oblivious to this own bad habit in our thinking process and patterns. So pay attention. Are you a serial blamer? If so, time to STOP and then THINK before you go on and start blaming something or someone else for your own unmet expectations. You don't want to be one of those people who has to carry around your own body chalk because your "victim" status is such a huge part of your life!
The fourth species of ANTs is "This is Happening to ME!" Thinking.
When we take any random life experience too personally, we start to engage in what is called "ideas of reference" thinking. This is not a good thing. People who are chronically and persistently mentally ill often have this issue; no matter what happens or what is said---there is some underlying meaning that relates to the receiver of that message and ONLY the receiver of that message. Someone looks at you sideways in a store because their eyes are itching them...and you take it as a personal threat. Someone coughs as you approach them at a meeting, and you take that to mean they are sick and now you're going to get sick as well. It sounds funny perhaps reading this here...but you would be amazed at how many of us struggle with this particular species of ANTs! Listen, many things occur in our presence just because they do. It doesn't mean that you need to read between the lines or get your undies in a twist. If someone says or does anything you are unsure about or feel offended by, all you need do is ask: "What did you mean by that?" That's all.
Next time, I will present the remaining species of ANTs that can plague us and cause a whole lot of unnecessary drama in the way we think---and stink when we think!
The first species of ANTs is "Always or Never" Thinking.
Often referred to also as Black/White Thinking, this particular species of ANT (automatic negative thoughts) focuses in on our personal prejudices across all areas of our own functioning. And I don't just mean negative prejudices when I say that; we can just as easily be prejudiced towards some place, some thing, or some person in a false positive way also. One author I especially admire put the reasons why we are prejudiced to begin with very eloquently; she said it has everything to do with "superiority". She's right. When we believe something or someone is "all good"...we believe it---or them---or we---are "superior". And when we believe something or someone is "all bad"....we believe it---or them---or him or her----are "inferior". If you prefer to frame this as George Carlin the late comedian once did, he said: "How come everyone who drives faster than me is a maniac...but everyone who drives slower than me is a moron?" This is what Always or Never and Black/White thinking is like. We are at the center of our own universe; whatever we want and get or like or have is "superior" and ALWAYS positive. Anything else is basically dog doo on the bottom of our shoe. This is a tough way to live because it makes us close minded, unwilling to receive new information and process it appropriately, and unable to see the shades of gray that exist in all things and all people between that black and white (and always/never) continuum...
The second species of ANTs is "I Beat Myself Up With Guilt" Thinking.
Put another way, this is the "I feel I SHOULD have..." whatever whatever line of thinking. Listen, there is a difference between legit guilt and toxic guilt. I've blogged about this before. Healthy guilt is a signal to yourself that what you are saying or doing is absolutely wrong as in sinful, immoral, illegal, self-serving, and/or manipulative. That's one thing. At least with that you can do something about it to make the situation right again..such as the three "R"s (Recognize, Repent, and Repair the damage you have caused!).
Toxic guilt, on the other hand, is a way to excuse yourself from living in the present moments of your life. If something needs to be faced and managed appropriately, there's nothing like toxic guilt to keep you from doing your own work. Kind of like that paralysis of analysis except toxic guilt is what we're using instead of the analysis part. By being and feeling "guilty" so much of the time...what else is there to do or think about? It can become a very comfortable place to live in mentally and psychologically speaking. Toxic guilt relative to present-day circumstances often has to do with being over-responsible for someone else's issues or problems that do not legitimately belong to you. I had a mom tell me the other day that her son blamed her for his heroin addiction. He "expected" more from her and his dad when he graduated from high school and when he didn't get it...he said not being "set up" was why he began to dabble in heroin. I responded by saying that was the first case I ever knew of whereby a heroin addict figured that his own narcissism was the reason why he started using! But for her, she was tormented believing (the lie!) that not setting him up after high school in the way that he wanted may have truly causes his heroin use. NOT!
The third species of ANTs is "It's Your Fault!" Thinking.
We all have issues with blaming other people for our own problems. It's pretty much human nature. Look at Adam and Eve. When confronted by God, Adam blamed Eve...and Eve blamed the serpent. I can assure you neither of them went to school to learn what "blame" was and how to practice it successfully in life. This "It's Your Fault!"thinking is what allows us to avoid personal responsibility for our own stuff...whatever that stuff may be. It's your fault I'm fat because you want to eat at Big Boy whenever we go out. It's your fault I'm ugly because you didn't pay for my plastic surgery. It's your fault I'm stupid because you are stupid and I'm your kid. I hope you are catching my drift here. This species of ANTs is especially destructive because it is so easy to stay oblivious to this own bad habit in our thinking process and patterns. So pay attention. Are you a serial blamer? If so, time to STOP and then THINK before you go on and start blaming something or someone else for your own unmet expectations. You don't want to be one of those people who has to carry around your own body chalk because your "victim" status is such a huge part of your life!
The fourth species of ANTs is "This is Happening to ME!" Thinking.
When we take any random life experience too personally, we start to engage in what is called "ideas of reference" thinking. This is not a good thing. People who are chronically and persistently mentally ill often have this issue; no matter what happens or what is said---there is some underlying meaning that relates to the receiver of that message and ONLY the receiver of that message. Someone looks at you sideways in a store because their eyes are itching them...and you take it as a personal threat. Someone coughs as you approach them at a meeting, and you take that to mean they are sick and now you're going to get sick as well. It sounds funny perhaps reading this here...but you would be amazed at how many of us struggle with this particular species of ANTs! Listen, many things occur in our presence just because they do. It doesn't mean that you need to read between the lines or get your undies in a twist. If someone says or does anything you are unsure about or feel offended by, all you need do is ask: "What did you mean by that?" That's all.
Next time, I will present the remaining species of ANTs that can plague us and cause a whole lot of unnecessary drama in the way we think---and stink when we think!