Donna Labermeier, author of "The Healer's Trilogy" know all about maturity. What are the character traits that demonstrate authentic emotional maturity? I know I have my own thoughts on the subject, but I do like Labermeier's list of the 25 Signs of Maturity. Here they are:
1. Realize how much you don't know.
We are all students of life. When a person is emotionally immature, they spend too much time trying to impress others with their shtick...whatever that shtick may be. It reminds me of when I watch Judge Mathis on television and the defendant starts explaining the law to Judge Mathis. Those are consistently the best moments! "Oh, thank you for telling me how the legal system works since I'm a judge and you obtained your law degree from where?" When we would rather lie to ourselves (and others) about what we don't know or are unsure of...we have just inserted our own foot up our own rear end. Believe me, it is much better, wiser, and more emotionally mature to say "I don't know.." when YOU DON'T KNOW! Try it. You might find it's easier than believing your own inflated press released about yourself!
2. Listening more and talking less.
Why is it we are so easily addicted to the sound of our own voice? Besides the fact that listening is definitely NOT the same as "hearing" someone speak...we are losing our collective ability to listen as a culture.
Instead of taking in what the other person has said, understanding it, and letting that other person know we understand----we tend to analyze it, determine if what has been said is personally "for" or "against" us in some way, contemplate our response to what was said, and then express our response---all while we are supposed to be listening! This is not actively listening. This is defending ourselves without any real evidence to back up our assumptions. Or it may be about making our response to what was just said "All about Me!" which is equally emotionally immature.
3. Being aware and considerate of others, rather than self-absorbed, self-centered, and inconsiderate.
Emotional immaturity typically involves this "All About Me!" mentality. You know, like a two year old. Unfortunately, too many adults just never grow out of this mindset. I have seen moguls of business and industry behave like King and Queen babies when someone makes a mistake in their presence. We are all equals, remember? Nobody is the Lord or Mistress of the Universe in spite of their own beliefs to the contrary! I am reminded of the restaurant patron who had to sit in a certain "chair" at the restaurant, complained when the french fries were too "short", and refused to pay for significant changes made to the original food order. Huh?! Too many of us just don't get that the world does NOT revolve around us, it truly doesn't.
4. Not taking everything personally, getting easily offended, or feeling the need to defend, prove, or make excuses for yourself.
When a person engages in this behavior, they might as well introduce themselves as follows: "Hi, I'm Joe and it IS my fault!"---because this is what Joe is believing to be absolutely true about himself most of the time anyway. Now if, in reality, Joe is a bad guy...oh well! At least his conscience is still working if even just a little tiny bit. In all cases, however, this is still a huge red flag that emotional maturity is seriously lacking...
5. Being grateful and gracious, not complaining.
Nobody likes to listen to a whiner, a complainer, or a "Oh Whoa is Me"-er...because it is beyond annoying. This is what therapy is for. Get into therapy and work through your past or present traumas, dramas, and unresolved issues with a licensed professional. Stop telling anybody and everybody the same old lament 10,000,000,000 times like it's your job! I remember a girl when I was younger who used to complain incessantly about not having a boyfriend. Then when she got one, she complained incessantly about not being engaged. Then when they got married, she complained incessantly about him never being home. GEEZ WONDER WHY!?! LOL!
6. Taking responsibility for your own health and happiness, not relying on others to "fix" you or placing blame for your circumstances.
I will now refer you to the TLC series on cable "My Big Fat Fabulous Life". Just watch the show. You'll know what I mean after viewing the very first episode. Codependency is a major issue for so many of us; an issue we don't even think we struggle with until it is pointed out to us and fully understood. Nobody else is responsible for your "ok"-ness in this life. When we give up our own personal power...we become powerless. And then we get (for lack of putting it a better way!) stoopid because now we start complaining when that other person doesn't do for us in quite the "right" way we want. HUH!? This is called looking a gift horse in the mouth and then complaining about its bad breath. Stop it! Nobody's life purpose is to fix, save, or rescue YOU. Got it? Hopefully so!
7. Having forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others.
Being kinder and gentler to ourselves and others is a good plan first and always. But we are so often busy living in shame (which, by the way, was a great song when it came out by Diana Ross and the Supremes in the way back!)...we forget that forgiveness and compassion is a major MAJOR key to healing, recovery, personal growth, and positive change. For those of us with a faith-based spiritual world view, life would be completely pointless without these two pillars of truth to ground us. No forgiveness...no peace. No compassion...no peace.
8. Being calm and peaceful, not desperate, frantic, or irrational.
Nobody can "fake" authentic calm..and authentic peace within one's heart, mind, and spirit. It's literally impossible to accomplish by merely "wishing" it so. Who or what is your authentic source of truth, of hope, and of comfort (and I'm not talking about another human being here!). If you don't know, perhaps this is a good time to start investigating all of that so as to turn your sense of desperation, despair, anxiety, and irrational thinking around once and for all.
9. Showing flexibility and openness as opposed to resisting, controlling, or being unreasonable.
Some of the most emotionally immature individuals among us are extremely rigid in their thinking and associated behaviors. If it doesn't go their way...chaos ensues. Flexibility is the ability to go with the flow EVEN when the flow isn't want you wanted or expected for yourself at this time. Nobody can control what they can't control in the first place. Yet we tend to delude ourselves into thinking that we have power over a person, place, or thing way too often during our lifetimes. If you don't know what this "looks like" in real life, think of any addict you know. This particular sign of emotional immaturity is one that every addict in our universe hangs his or her hat on: do it my way...because it IS my way!
10. Helping yourself, not just expecting others to do it for you out of a sense of entitlement.
We all have knapsacks of responsibility we are each responsible for on a daily basis. I don't ask you to wash my face; you don't ask me to brush your teeth each morning. Yet---when we fall into this particular trap of emotional immaturity, we really do see ourselves as being "owed" by pretty much anyone and everyone around us for a whole number of personal responsibilities we'd rather not "do" ourselves. Spare me! Why is your own brand of "I'm a victim!" more important or more meaningful than my own? This is why our culture is in such a hot mess across so many areas of functioning. We make life goals out of (1) power, (2) pleasure, and (3) avoiding responsibility. And this is supposed to work how and for who? And these are the same folks who wonder why they don't have any "real" friends. DUH!
Next time, we will continue with this list of the 25 Signs of Emotional Maturity. Have a great rest of your week!
1. Realize how much you don't know.
We are all students of life. When a person is emotionally immature, they spend too much time trying to impress others with their shtick...whatever that shtick may be. It reminds me of when I watch Judge Mathis on television and the defendant starts explaining the law to Judge Mathis. Those are consistently the best moments! "Oh, thank you for telling me how the legal system works since I'm a judge and you obtained your law degree from where?" When we would rather lie to ourselves (and others) about what we don't know or are unsure of...we have just inserted our own foot up our own rear end. Believe me, it is much better, wiser, and more emotionally mature to say "I don't know.." when YOU DON'T KNOW! Try it. You might find it's easier than believing your own inflated press released about yourself!
2. Listening more and talking less.
Why is it we are so easily addicted to the sound of our own voice? Besides the fact that listening is definitely NOT the same as "hearing" someone speak...we are losing our collective ability to listen as a culture.
Instead of taking in what the other person has said, understanding it, and letting that other person know we understand----we tend to analyze it, determine if what has been said is personally "for" or "against" us in some way, contemplate our response to what was said, and then express our response---all while we are supposed to be listening! This is not actively listening. This is defending ourselves without any real evidence to back up our assumptions. Or it may be about making our response to what was just said "All about Me!" which is equally emotionally immature.
3. Being aware and considerate of others, rather than self-absorbed, self-centered, and inconsiderate.
Emotional immaturity typically involves this "All About Me!" mentality. You know, like a two year old. Unfortunately, too many adults just never grow out of this mindset. I have seen moguls of business and industry behave like King and Queen babies when someone makes a mistake in their presence. We are all equals, remember? Nobody is the Lord or Mistress of the Universe in spite of their own beliefs to the contrary! I am reminded of the restaurant patron who had to sit in a certain "chair" at the restaurant, complained when the french fries were too "short", and refused to pay for significant changes made to the original food order. Huh?! Too many of us just don't get that the world does NOT revolve around us, it truly doesn't.
4. Not taking everything personally, getting easily offended, or feeling the need to defend, prove, or make excuses for yourself.
When a person engages in this behavior, they might as well introduce themselves as follows: "Hi, I'm Joe and it IS my fault!"---because this is what Joe is believing to be absolutely true about himself most of the time anyway. Now if, in reality, Joe is a bad guy...oh well! At least his conscience is still working if even just a little tiny bit. In all cases, however, this is still a huge red flag that emotional maturity is seriously lacking...
5. Being grateful and gracious, not complaining.
Nobody likes to listen to a whiner, a complainer, or a "Oh Whoa is Me"-er...because it is beyond annoying. This is what therapy is for. Get into therapy and work through your past or present traumas, dramas, and unresolved issues with a licensed professional. Stop telling anybody and everybody the same old lament 10,000,000,000 times like it's your job! I remember a girl when I was younger who used to complain incessantly about not having a boyfriend. Then when she got one, she complained incessantly about not being engaged. Then when they got married, she complained incessantly about him never being home. GEEZ WONDER WHY!?! LOL!
6. Taking responsibility for your own health and happiness, not relying on others to "fix" you or placing blame for your circumstances.
I will now refer you to the TLC series on cable "My Big Fat Fabulous Life". Just watch the show. You'll know what I mean after viewing the very first episode. Codependency is a major issue for so many of us; an issue we don't even think we struggle with until it is pointed out to us and fully understood. Nobody else is responsible for your "ok"-ness in this life. When we give up our own personal power...we become powerless. And then we get (for lack of putting it a better way!) stoopid because now we start complaining when that other person doesn't do for us in quite the "right" way we want. HUH!? This is called looking a gift horse in the mouth and then complaining about its bad breath. Stop it! Nobody's life purpose is to fix, save, or rescue YOU. Got it? Hopefully so!
7. Having forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others.
Being kinder and gentler to ourselves and others is a good plan first and always. But we are so often busy living in shame (which, by the way, was a great song when it came out by Diana Ross and the Supremes in the way back!)...we forget that forgiveness and compassion is a major MAJOR key to healing, recovery, personal growth, and positive change. For those of us with a faith-based spiritual world view, life would be completely pointless without these two pillars of truth to ground us. No forgiveness...no peace. No compassion...no peace.
8. Being calm and peaceful, not desperate, frantic, or irrational.
Nobody can "fake" authentic calm..and authentic peace within one's heart, mind, and spirit. It's literally impossible to accomplish by merely "wishing" it so. Who or what is your authentic source of truth, of hope, and of comfort (and I'm not talking about another human being here!). If you don't know, perhaps this is a good time to start investigating all of that so as to turn your sense of desperation, despair, anxiety, and irrational thinking around once and for all.
9. Showing flexibility and openness as opposed to resisting, controlling, or being unreasonable.
Some of the most emotionally immature individuals among us are extremely rigid in their thinking and associated behaviors. If it doesn't go their way...chaos ensues. Flexibility is the ability to go with the flow EVEN when the flow isn't want you wanted or expected for yourself at this time. Nobody can control what they can't control in the first place. Yet we tend to delude ourselves into thinking that we have power over a person, place, or thing way too often during our lifetimes. If you don't know what this "looks like" in real life, think of any addict you know. This particular sign of emotional immaturity is one that every addict in our universe hangs his or her hat on: do it my way...because it IS my way!
10. Helping yourself, not just expecting others to do it for you out of a sense of entitlement.
We all have knapsacks of responsibility we are each responsible for on a daily basis. I don't ask you to wash my face; you don't ask me to brush your teeth each morning. Yet---when we fall into this particular trap of emotional immaturity, we really do see ourselves as being "owed" by pretty much anyone and everyone around us for a whole number of personal responsibilities we'd rather not "do" ourselves. Spare me! Why is your own brand of "I'm a victim!" more important or more meaningful than my own? This is why our culture is in such a hot mess across so many areas of functioning. We make life goals out of (1) power, (2) pleasure, and (3) avoiding responsibility. And this is supposed to work how and for who? And these are the same folks who wonder why they don't have any "real" friends. DUH!
Next time, we will continue with this list of the 25 Signs of Emotional Maturity. Have a great rest of your week!