When was the last time you were the target of someone else's mean and nasty moment? Now you understand that such moments don't necessarily involve yelling, screaming, or the speaker's face turning bright red. Mean and nasty comes in all shapes and sizes. Today's post is about people who have no problem saying what they mean, meaning what they say, while saying it "mean" to others....
First we need to look at what constitutes being "mean" (and nasty!) as we say what we mean and mean what we say. It IS mean to harshly judge, falsely accuse, and verbally/emotionally abuse another human being. It IS mean to physically invade someone's personal space without their prior verbal consent. In other words, don't stand less than an arm length's away from someone as you are speaking to them or vice versa; don't put your hands on someone else when they haven't given you permission to do so, etc. I can remember a woman in our social circle years ago who would speak to most anybody as if she were telling them a secret---about 3" from their face. This is "mean" in the sense of highly disrespectful to the listener who doesn't need to have someone up in their grill as they are being spoken to. That goes double for anyone who is a creeper by design or by nature. By the way, on the creeper front---it's sad for me to notice these days how so many women are joining the creeper ranks because...??? Quagmire may be funny on Family Guy, but believe me, it's both exhausting and offensive to hear about or observe someone else's hypersexuality on blast day or night! Believe what you will, but nobody and I do mean NOBODY has the right to make you feel highly uncomfortable for residing in your own skin as you speak or listen to them...
Another example of being mean in action is when the speaker emotionally abuses his or her listener with playing their conversation like a game of football. Dodge here, run there, catch this, don't catch that. Basically, anything to avoid responsibility for what the speaker hasn't yet faced and doesn't ever want to face (being addicted, being abusive, being neglectful, being ignorant, being mentally ill, etc. etc.). Have you ever listened to someone who has made this sort of distraction-while-communicating their life's work? It's so exhausting! And if you are dealing with this form of tyranny, guess what? There IS a way out from under that rock (keep reading!), but you have to practice it with that person 100% of the time.
Remember that it IS NOT being mean to comfortably confront someone who has just offended you by what they said or did in your presence (Clients: Listen up! This is why I keep encouraging you to practice "I hear what you said, but I don't understand what you mean; can you explain it to me now?" or "Can you tell me why you just said/did that now?" etc. etc.). You do NOT have to figure out someone else's motives for offending you as they did; all you have to do is ask them "why" they did it in the moment of the offense. That is all! That's not being mean. That's being assertive and a more effective communicator. (And you will feel better about yourself to boot as you self-advocate in this way!) When you keep your mouth shut in such moments, you have just given your non-verbal assent to that other person's inappropriate behavior. The unruly of this world need to hear the uncomfortable truths about themselves; otherwise, they continue doing what they do and saying what they say with less and less hesitation attached as the weeks, months, and years go by.
Before I became a psychotherapist, I was a marketing consultant to small business. I did this "first" career for fifteen years after obtaining my undergraduate degree. I am reminded of the businesses I worked with where crisis, chaos, and mayhem were the general rule of the day. Employees behaved one way with each other which, in fact, was negatively influencing the way in which they interacted with customers of the business. In some cases, the use and abuse of recreational drugs was a big problem that no one wanted to acknowledge (the employees!) or do something about (the business owner(s)). Typically, this type of issue is handled through the establishment of company policies and procedures which include a zero tolerance for the use and detection of drugs in any employee's system on any given day. Yet you would be amazed how many business owners refused to set up such a policy for fear "I won't have any staff left to work here!" Uh, yes you would...and they'd be better quality staff besides. Without clearly defining what's right and what's wrong---then anything becomes okay to say---or to do---on any day and at any time. Don't we get that yet? Insanity IS truly defined by doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!
When we allow people to say or do things in our presence that instantly frighten us, confuse us, or anger us...THIS is the time to confront them appropriately with what you are thinking and how you feel. "When you...I felt....so I need you to please..." That's all! It's not really that hard, but you'd be amazed how many of us would rather just let it go and suffer the consequences down the road over what we should have said ages ago, but didn't.
My mother was a chronic gaslighter (emotionally abusive) as I was growing up. She also yelled and screamed a lot; so did I back at her. It wasn't right then, and it took me a while to learn that yelling doesn't make anybody hear anything "better". Nor does it convince the other person to do what you are suggesting. What I did learn was to keep asking her why she just said or did what she said or did...and then following that up with how her offensive behavior affected me and what I needed as a result. She didn't get better, but I did. That's how it works.
She didn't get better...but I did. Don't forget that.
It is good to say what you mean and mean what you say---just don't say it mean. But say it. Never forget to say it when it is the right thing to do in the moment!