When I was a kid, my mother rarely said what she meant. She told me this on several occasions. At the time, I remember thinking she was using statements like "I was just kidding!" or "I didn't mean that!" as excuses to be verbally abusive towards me, to cause me NOT to trust my own perception of reality, and/or to make me feel bad about something I didn't do that she wanted me to do (for her). After all, why would ANY person EVER say what they did NOT mean to somebody else? Today's post is about how difficult it is for some of us to do the following: "Say what you mean...mean what you say...and don't say it mean!"
When we are unable to say what we mean, which means to tell the truth about how we feel or what we think in the present moment (and in an appropriate and comfortable way no less!)...we have to wonder what's so scary about telling the truth out loud to someone we claim to love and care about?
Even though it is true that we all choose how much truth we can stand, we STILL have to be honest in our communication with other people! Without honest communication, how is anybody supposed to truly understand themselves...or another human being? Without honest communication, there is no chance for any real and true emotional intimacy (into-me-you-see) between two people. Whatever relationship that develops is instead based on half truths, lies, omissions of the truth, and manipulation of the truth in present-day reality...
Nobody censors themselves just because they are thinking and intend to say out loud "Hey! Look at that beautiful blue sky out there this morning!" We censor ourselves when what we think, what we feel, and what we believe may NOT be received favorably by the person(s) we are speaking to. At this end of the "not saying what we mean" spectrum....we are being extremely passive about speaking our own true mind out of fear for how the other person(s) might react that is negative or unfavorable towards us.
If you recall from past posts, our biggest motivation in this life is to love and be loved; our second biggest motivation is to avoid pain. Hello! And what funny ways we choose to avoid pain...like not telling the truth to ourselves, let alone to other people! Put another way, to say only what we think other people want to hear...or only that which makes us appear better than we actually are!
If we don't do what we say we are going to do---or when we do what we say we'd never do---that's another aspect of this hot mess of cray cray to do with not saying what we mean..and not meaning what we say. St. Paul even wrote about this in the Book of Romans (Rom. 7:15 to be exact!). "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate, I do." Now, we have become passive and then aggressive both in our communication AND in our actions. We say one thing, but do another. We do one thing, but say we'd never do that thing. We are not only upsetting and confusing the people around us who have witnessed our shenanigans...we ourselves might get a bit confused too as to what the heck is going on here and why!? A classic example of this is saying "Oh yes, I'll get around to doing that because I understand how it isn't good for me to keep ignoring it!"...but then we never do that thing we promised. This is being both passive (by what we said) and then aggressive (by what we did...which was nothing at all!).
When it comes to not saying what we mean and making it a habit in our relationships, all that does is cause the people around us to NOT believe us about much whenever we speak. In essence, we have damaged our own reputation and level of personal integrity in the eyes and minds of those we have "played" in this way. Rarely do we see this ourselves; we believe our own positive press releases (as always!) when it comes to acknowledging that which we cannot truthfully acknowledge in the first place!
I happened to be facilitating a family intervention a few weeks back involving adult children of an elderly matriarch. The matriarch was not budging about providing financial help for her medically fragile spouse who now required nursing home care. When confronted about needing to contribute financially to her husband's care, she quipped "Well, we'll just have to get a divorce then!" Clearly, this statement was NOT well received by the couple's adult children who were instantly reduced to tears. Days later, when I reminded this matriarch of what she had said because her children were not returning her phone calls, she responded: "Oh, I was just joking; didn't they know that?" No, they did not know that.
For the person in this regard who doesn't say what he or she means, that usually means he or she won't do what they've said or promised EXCEPT that which is (1) easy for them to do when they feel like doing it, (2) benefits them the most in the moment, and/or (3) makes them feel good so they'll do it for that reason.
Next time, I will talk about those individuals who are actually saying what they mean...and how what they are saying IS authentically mean AND authentically nefarious in nature and purpose!
Have a good week!
When we are unable to say what we mean, which means to tell the truth about how we feel or what we think in the present moment (and in an appropriate and comfortable way no less!)...we have to wonder what's so scary about telling the truth out loud to someone we claim to love and care about?
Even though it is true that we all choose how much truth we can stand, we STILL have to be honest in our communication with other people! Without honest communication, how is anybody supposed to truly understand themselves...or another human being? Without honest communication, there is no chance for any real and true emotional intimacy (into-me-you-see) between two people. Whatever relationship that develops is instead based on half truths, lies, omissions of the truth, and manipulation of the truth in present-day reality...
Nobody censors themselves just because they are thinking and intend to say out loud "Hey! Look at that beautiful blue sky out there this morning!" We censor ourselves when what we think, what we feel, and what we believe may NOT be received favorably by the person(s) we are speaking to. At this end of the "not saying what we mean" spectrum....we are being extremely passive about speaking our own true mind out of fear for how the other person(s) might react that is negative or unfavorable towards us.
If you recall from past posts, our biggest motivation in this life is to love and be loved; our second biggest motivation is to avoid pain. Hello! And what funny ways we choose to avoid pain...like not telling the truth to ourselves, let alone to other people! Put another way, to say only what we think other people want to hear...or only that which makes us appear better than we actually are!
If we don't do what we say we are going to do---or when we do what we say we'd never do---that's another aspect of this hot mess of cray cray to do with not saying what we mean..and not meaning what we say. St. Paul even wrote about this in the Book of Romans (Rom. 7:15 to be exact!). "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do. But what I hate, I do." Now, we have become passive and then aggressive both in our communication AND in our actions. We say one thing, but do another. We do one thing, but say we'd never do that thing. We are not only upsetting and confusing the people around us who have witnessed our shenanigans...we ourselves might get a bit confused too as to what the heck is going on here and why!? A classic example of this is saying "Oh yes, I'll get around to doing that because I understand how it isn't good for me to keep ignoring it!"...but then we never do that thing we promised. This is being both passive (by what we said) and then aggressive (by what we did...which was nothing at all!).
When it comes to not saying what we mean and making it a habit in our relationships, all that does is cause the people around us to NOT believe us about much whenever we speak. In essence, we have damaged our own reputation and level of personal integrity in the eyes and minds of those we have "played" in this way. Rarely do we see this ourselves; we believe our own positive press releases (as always!) when it comes to acknowledging that which we cannot truthfully acknowledge in the first place!
I happened to be facilitating a family intervention a few weeks back involving adult children of an elderly matriarch. The matriarch was not budging about providing financial help for her medically fragile spouse who now required nursing home care. When confronted about needing to contribute financially to her husband's care, she quipped "Well, we'll just have to get a divorce then!" Clearly, this statement was NOT well received by the couple's adult children who were instantly reduced to tears. Days later, when I reminded this matriarch of what she had said because her children were not returning her phone calls, she responded: "Oh, I was just joking; didn't they know that?" No, they did not know that.
For the person in this regard who doesn't say what he or she means, that usually means he or she won't do what they've said or promised EXCEPT that which is (1) easy for them to do when they feel like doing it, (2) benefits them the most in the moment, and/or (3) makes them feel good so they'll do it for that reason.
Next time, I will talk about those individuals who are actually saying what they mean...and how what they are saying IS authentically mean AND authentically nefarious in nature and purpose!
Have a good week!