Dear Victim Inside Me:
Hello, it's me. The me that doesn't want to rely on you as much as I have throughout my life. You see, I never realized how much I depended on you until only recently. My therapist, who challenges me probably more than I'd like, asked me the other day if I wanted a package of sidewalk chalk to carry around with me in my purse. When I looked at her like she was goofy (which she sometimes is!), she said "So you can use it to outline yourself each time you lie down on that sidewalk and play the victim." Sheesh! Was I really THAT much of a victim? I had to think about that; though my therapist asked me to write this letter so I could help myself do it. So here I am.
When did it all start? When did I first feel like a true victim of true injustice? I think it was when I first realized that my parents had "other" stuff that was more important to them than me. When my baby brother showed up on the scene five years after I was born...my life got way worse. My mother wanted ME to help with that squalling, red-faced, nasty baby? No thank you! But I did it, even though I hated it. She acted like I loved helping her with the baby; in fact, I did NOT! I thought of ways to get rid of that baby; I thought of ways to get rid of myself too. I could run away to my cousin's house. Maybe my grandma would let me live with her and grandpa. Of course, I didn't do any of that. I just stayed and hated my life because in my house, it was all about that stupid baby 24/7.
A babysitter's son molested me when I was a little kid too. So did one of the teenage boys from my neighborhood. I kind of knew it was all bad and wrong...but at least they were paying attention to me right? Or so I thought. Yet when it was all over and they just walked away or ignored me or even started yelling at me to go away....it felt even more bad and wrong.
School was o.k., but I got bullied for being so small. One kid actually picked me up like a baby and carried me around the playground during recess. The teacher didn't see it, everybody was laughing and I couldn't have been more embarrassed and ashamed. Then when he finally put me down, he called me a nasty name and ran in the other direction. Because of that day on the playground, everybody in my class started calling me "Midget". I hated them all. When I tried telling my teacher about it, even SHE acted like it was my fault and I should just forget about it.
I think you showed up when I finished middle school. I wasn't going to take anybody else's crap anymore and keep my mouth shut besides. I started causing trouble instead of being somebody else's victim. I went to a store in my town in 7th grade and stole some lipstick with a friend of mine. We didn't get caught. Then I went later on that summer to another store and stole a top I liked. I just put it on in the fitting room under my own shirt. Nobody saw me go in...and nobody saw me come out. It was easy. For once I felt like I had some power to do and get what I wanted without having to ask...because whenever I did ask for what I needed or wanted, I got disappointed anyway!
I think you showed up because whenever I did get confronted about something I did wrong during those years...I always had an excuse. I always had someone or something else to blame. I remember saying a lot during that time "You made me!" My mother made me lonely. My father made me feel like I was invisible. My teachers made me feel stupid. The kids I knew made me feel ugly. The friends I had made me feel like I wasn't fun enough. Even my own bad moods made me feel like I had to "do something" in order to feel better fast.
By the time I graduated from high school and met Joey (my ex husband), I remember thinking how HE would be better and nicer and more appreciative of me because....we loved each other and said so. Boy was I wrong! If I did something he wanted, we were fine. But if I wanted something, he gave me drama about it....or just didn't do it for me at all. After ten years and two kids, I couldn't take it anymore. I found out Joey had cheated on me throughout our marriage with one of his co-workers; she thought they were getting married because he told her he was leaving me! I couldn't believe my ears! After all I did for that man having his children and trying to be the best wife to him possible, he did this to ME!?! What a scumbag! I did NOT deserve to be treated like I was garbage because I didn't do whatever he wanted every day of our lives! So I gave him his divorce. Of course he didn't pay child support because suddenly he quit his job and was moving out of state with his side piece. I was in hell. Whatever was I going to do to survive?
A friend suggested I find a therapist and get some help. I didn't have any money, how was I supposed to get a therapist for free? Fortunately, I found one who takes so many clients each year who are unable to pay for this kind of help. She allowed me to be one of them. We could only meet on Fridays at 3:00PM for an hour; that was really hard for me because my kids get out of school at 2:30 and how would that work? But I managed to find another mom who said they could go to her house after school while I was at the therapist's office. I don't know what it is about these therapists, but it would have been better if she saw me on Saturday or some other time during the week!
When we finally met and I told her my story, she said there were four main reasons why we get angry and feel truly victimized by others. (1) We aren't getting what we want when we want it, (2) we are being falsely accused, (3) we are being harshly judged, and (4) we are true victims of true injustice. I've had all of those throughout my life happen to me. What did that mean? She said it meant that my anger, which had never been truly resolved in an appropriate way, led to me feeling worse. Which meant feeling resentful...and then bitter....after nothing changed in a better way for me. After feeling so bitter for so long, I had nowhere else to go in my own head but to be a capital "V" victim. My other option would be to function as a capital "P" perpetrator (of abusive behavior). I could see that. I could see how, in my own mind, being a "Victim" would make me feel less bad and less terrible than if I was going around acting like a bully or a bi**h all the time.
I don't know what lies ahead for me, but another thing my therapist talked to me about was how I have to learn how to take proper action whenever I feel like I am "stuck". Without taking any proper action to improve my life or my situation, nothing is going to change. She even said to me, "If nothing changes, then nothing changes." Wow. That hit home. Nothing HAS changed in all these years for me except that I started going to therapy. And, so far, it's helping me to see how my own thinking is pretty much what got me into all this trouble in the first place.
So, to the victim inside me, I hope I will be truly able to remove you from my life one of these days and put an end to our highly dysfunctional relationship.
Sincerely,
ME
Hello, it's me. The me that doesn't want to rely on you as much as I have throughout my life. You see, I never realized how much I depended on you until only recently. My therapist, who challenges me probably more than I'd like, asked me the other day if I wanted a package of sidewalk chalk to carry around with me in my purse. When I looked at her like she was goofy (which she sometimes is!), she said "So you can use it to outline yourself each time you lie down on that sidewalk and play the victim." Sheesh! Was I really THAT much of a victim? I had to think about that; though my therapist asked me to write this letter so I could help myself do it. So here I am.
When did it all start? When did I first feel like a true victim of true injustice? I think it was when I first realized that my parents had "other" stuff that was more important to them than me. When my baby brother showed up on the scene five years after I was born...my life got way worse. My mother wanted ME to help with that squalling, red-faced, nasty baby? No thank you! But I did it, even though I hated it. She acted like I loved helping her with the baby; in fact, I did NOT! I thought of ways to get rid of that baby; I thought of ways to get rid of myself too. I could run away to my cousin's house. Maybe my grandma would let me live with her and grandpa. Of course, I didn't do any of that. I just stayed and hated my life because in my house, it was all about that stupid baby 24/7.
A babysitter's son molested me when I was a little kid too. So did one of the teenage boys from my neighborhood. I kind of knew it was all bad and wrong...but at least they were paying attention to me right? Or so I thought. Yet when it was all over and they just walked away or ignored me or even started yelling at me to go away....it felt even more bad and wrong.
School was o.k., but I got bullied for being so small. One kid actually picked me up like a baby and carried me around the playground during recess. The teacher didn't see it, everybody was laughing and I couldn't have been more embarrassed and ashamed. Then when he finally put me down, he called me a nasty name and ran in the other direction. Because of that day on the playground, everybody in my class started calling me "Midget". I hated them all. When I tried telling my teacher about it, even SHE acted like it was my fault and I should just forget about it.
I think you showed up when I finished middle school. I wasn't going to take anybody else's crap anymore and keep my mouth shut besides. I started causing trouble instead of being somebody else's victim. I went to a store in my town in 7th grade and stole some lipstick with a friend of mine. We didn't get caught. Then I went later on that summer to another store and stole a top I liked. I just put it on in the fitting room under my own shirt. Nobody saw me go in...and nobody saw me come out. It was easy. For once I felt like I had some power to do and get what I wanted without having to ask...because whenever I did ask for what I needed or wanted, I got disappointed anyway!
I think you showed up because whenever I did get confronted about something I did wrong during those years...I always had an excuse. I always had someone or something else to blame. I remember saying a lot during that time "You made me!" My mother made me lonely. My father made me feel like I was invisible. My teachers made me feel stupid. The kids I knew made me feel ugly. The friends I had made me feel like I wasn't fun enough. Even my own bad moods made me feel like I had to "do something" in order to feel better fast.
By the time I graduated from high school and met Joey (my ex husband), I remember thinking how HE would be better and nicer and more appreciative of me because....we loved each other and said so. Boy was I wrong! If I did something he wanted, we were fine. But if I wanted something, he gave me drama about it....or just didn't do it for me at all. After ten years and two kids, I couldn't take it anymore. I found out Joey had cheated on me throughout our marriage with one of his co-workers; she thought they were getting married because he told her he was leaving me! I couldn't believe my ears! After all I did for that man having his children and trying to be the best wife to him possible, he did this to ME!?! What a scumbag! I did NOT deserve to be treated like I was garbage because I didn't do whatever he wanted every day of our lives! So I gave him his divorce. Of course he didn't pay child support because suddenly he quit his job and was moving out of state with his side piece. I was in hell. Whatever was I going to do to survive?
A friend suggested I find a therapist and get some help. I didn't have any money, how was I supposed to get a therapist for free? Fortunately, I found one who takes so many clients each year who are unable to pay for this kind of help. She allowed me to be one of them. We could only meet on Fridays at 3:00PM for an hour; that was really hard for me because my kids get out of school at 2:30 and how would that work? But I managed to find another mom who said they could go to her house after school while I was at the therapist's office. I don't know what it is about these therapists, but it would have been better if she saw me on Saturday or some other time during the week!
When we finally met and I told her my story, she said there were four main reasons why we get angry and feel truly victimized by others. (1) We aren't getting what we want when we want it, (2) we are being falsely accused, (3) we are being harshly judged, and (4) we are true victims of true injustice. I've had all of those throughout my life happen to me. What did that mean? She said it meant that my anger, which had never been truly resolved in an appropriate way, led to me feeling worse. Which meant feeling resentful...and then bitter....after nothing changed in a better way for me. After feeling so bitter for so long, I had nowhere else to go in my own head but to be a capital "V" victim. My other option would be to function as a capital "P" perpetrator (of abusive behavior). I could see that. I could see how, in my own mind, being a "Victim" would make me feel less bad and less terrible than if I was going around acting like a bully or a bi**h all the time.
I don't know what lies ahead for me, but another thing my therapist talked to me about was how I have to learn how to take proper action whenever I feel like I am "stuck". Without taking any proper action to improve my life or my situation, nothing is going to change. She even said to me, "If nothing changes, then nothing changes." Wow. That hit home. Nothing HAS changed in all these years for me except that I started going to therapy. And, so far, it's helping me to see how my own thinking is pretty much what got me into all this trouble in the first place.
So, to the victim inside me, I hope I will be truly able to remove you from my life one of these days and put an end to our highly dysfunctional relationship.
Sincerely,
ME