Which of your present relationships are complicated? We all have one or more of them; you can at least admit that right? Whether it's with your mother, or your stepdad....your sister or your best friend...or your partner for that matter---we all know what it feels like to walk on eggshells at times with someone we love and care about.
What makes a relationship complicated to begin with? Let's look at this logically for a moment. Think back to when you first met your "complicated" relationship person. How did you...and how did he or she...behave when you were first forming your relationship with one another? Do you even remember? I know when I was a young kid, I had a neighbor down the street who was my first "friend" and peer. She was a bit younger than myself...and I recall one of the primary reasons why I liked playing with her was because she was available to play! As the relationship progressed over the years, I realized that she could be sullen and moody at times---and she tended to blame me for things that didn't make sense (at least to me!)---but that was all o.k. because she was my "friend". It wasn't until we were in high school that I realized everything was "not" my fault as she had so often declared. Unfortunately by that time, I was pretty much conditioned to believe that when we were together, it WAS my job to make sure she was "o.k." and having a good enough time. Silly me but what did I know? I was just a kid myself. It wasn't until she kicked me to the curb (which she did in our 20s)...I finally figured out the lessons present in that particularly "complicated" relationship from my childhood...
For many complicated relationships, one party is expecting more than would be considered reasonable and customary from the other party. This is pretty much at the heart of the codependent lifestyle and, believe me, it is NOT a lifestyle anyone should aspire to follow. In the above-mentioned example, I can now say that my "friend" from childhood probably suffered from a major mood disorder that remained undiagnosed and untreated throughout our childhood years. She "expected" me to do way too much for her in order for her to be less anxious, less depressed, and less moody. That was NOT my job...but she thought it was! Funny how that goes eh? And if you think this dynamic doesn't occur in some of our adult relationships right here and right now, think again. It is nobody's job to manage someone else's "baggage". Remember the line I have posted in the past: "When I work harder on your problem and your life than you do, this is not love." Bingo! It is NOT love when you make yourself over-responsible for someone else's "junk" that is their OWN responsibility to work on...and solve..in the first place!
Conversely, for the person who goes through life basically communicating "Hi! I'm Sue! It IS my fault!" or "Hi! I'm Joe! What can I do for you today to make you happy?!"...this is a problem, and contributes to attracting those complicated people with whom we form our complicated relationships. Who died and made you or me the "Fixer" of anyone else's life? Forget it! Until we can view ourselves and others as being truly "equal" to each other---we won't! It's that simple! I have seen too many clients and friends over the years burn themselves out completely in the name of being a "good" friend or a "good" spouse or a "good" parent...and for what purpose? To have their tombstone read: "Man, was she a fabulous fixer of others!" Spare me. More like "Man, was she addicted to her own need to be needed!" There you go. The truth can hurt, but it never goes away...
Complicated relationships always have a basis in (1) power struggles, (2) inequality between the parties involved, and (3) a specific personal issue that is otherwise being ignored and/or denied by one or both people. Pretty simple isn't it?
So---if you want to uncomplicated your relationship(s), start doing your own good work. Get help if you feel the need for it. It really is time to get off that hamster wheel!
Until next post...
What makes a relationship complicated to begin with? Let's look at this logically for a moment. Think back to when you first met your "complicated" relationship person. How did you...and how did he or she...behave when you were first forming your relationship with one another? Do you even remember? I know when I was a young kid, I had a neighbor down the street who was my first "friend" and peer. She was a bit younger than myself...and I recall one of the primary reasons why I liked playing with her was because she was available to play! As the relationship progressed over the years, I realized that she could be sullen and moody at times---and she tended to blame me for things that didn't make sense (at least to me!)---but that was all o.k. because she was my "friend". It wasn't until we were in high school that I realized everything was "not" my fault as she had so often declared. Unfortunately by that time, I was pretty much conditioned to believe that when we were together, it WAS my job to make sure she was "o.k." and having a good enough time. Silly me but what did I know? I was just a kid myself. It wasn't until she kicked me to the curb (which she did in our 20s)...I finally figured out the lessons present in that particularly "complicated" relationship from my childhood...
For many complicated relationships, one party is expecting more than would be considered reasonable and customary from the other party. This is pretty much at the heart of the codependent lifestyle and, believe me, it is NOT a lifestyle anyone should aspire to follow. In the above-mentioned example, I can now say that my "friend" from childhood probably suffered from a major mood disorder that remained undiagnosed and untreated throughout our childhood years. She "expected" me to do way too much for her in order for her to be less anxious, less depressed, and less moody. That was NOT my job...but she thought it was! Funny how that goes eh? And if you think this dynamic doesn't occur in some of our adult relationships right here and right now, think again. It is nobody's job to manage someone else's "baggage". Remember the line I have posted in the past: "When I work harder on your problem and your life than you do, this is not love." Bingo! It is NOT love when you make yourself over-responsible for someone else's "junk" that is their OWN responsibility to work on...and solve..in the first place!
Conversely, for the person who goes through life basically communicating "Hi! I'm Sue! It IS my fault!" or "Hi! I'm Joe! What can I do for you today to make you happy?!"...this is a problem, and contributes to attracting those complicated people with whom we form our complicated relationships. Who died and made you or me the "Fixer" of anyone else's life? Forget it! Until we can view ourselves and others as being truly "equal" to each other---we won't! It's that simple! I have seen too many clients and friends over the years burn themselves out completely in the name of being a "good" friend or a "good" spouse or a "good" parent...and for what purpose? To have their tombstone read: "Man, was she a fabulous fixer of others!" Spare me. More like "Man, was she addicted to her own need to be needed!" There you go. The truth can hurt, but it never goes away...
Complicated relationships always have a basis in (1) power struggles, (2) inequality between the parties involved, and (3) a specific personal issue that is otherwise being ignored and/or denied by one or both people. Pretty simple isn't it?
So---if you want to uncomplicated your relationship(s), start doing your own good work. Get help if you feel the need for it. It really is time to get off that hamster wheel!
Until next post...