Everyone remembers the highlights of their important relationships. Unfortunately, we just as readily remember the significant lowlights too. If the unresolved junk from our past and present relationships could be contained within literal suitcases, we'd all have kept way too many of them just saying. Today's blog post is about that unresolved relationship-related junk we continue to drag around like old baggage in our lives. Understanding where it came from is, of course, extremely important---but so is understanding how to get rid of it once and for all.
Grudges no doubt represent one area of our thinking worth examining closely. Who are you still mad at and over what all these months, years, and/or decades later? If I had a nickel for every time I have seen a client with an age-old grudge against someone they once loved and cared about---I could have retired ten years ago.
Past and present grudges give us permission to remain traumatically linked to a person, or those people, who we believe (be it real or imagined) have profoundly hurt us. Holding grudges gives me, as the grudge holder, permission to think, feel, and behave "badly" towards you whenever I like. How this plays out in one's present relationships is when we feel "?!?!?!?!!" when we are harshly judged or falsely accused of something by the grudge holder(s) in our lives. Or, conversely, when we realize we may have attacked someone in some way for reasons we don't fully comprehend. Regardless of whether we are targeted by or instigate these grudge-inspired behaviors---the outcomes are still the same: we feel icky and don't know why.
This just happened to me recently. I was at an event, and someone at the table randomly started telling me what I did months ago at another event we were both at. As she spoke, I knew that her so-called "recollection of events" was bogus. It would be akin to saying "Remember the time we were at such-and-such and you stole Bon Jovi away from me?" Like that kind of off the wall skewed. This person was so off the train track of reality about what she accused me of and judged me about---I couldn't help but just get up to hug her and thank her for her care and concern. In other words, I love bombed her in spite of her original motivation(s)---whatever they were. Grant it, this person I am speaking of is someone I am "stuck" having to interact with on an infrequent-but-frequent-enough basis; however, I am no dummy either. If I can avoid the interactions...I do. And life goes on just fine for me....anyway.
With all this grudge keeping going on, can you understand how difficult it would be for seasoned grudge holders to let go and move on in spite of the people who trigger them? I mean, even if we were face to face with a serial killer....as adults we can still walk away and refuse to engage correct? Nobody is holding anybody by the short hairs and "making" them be in a relationship with someone who is more harmful than helpful. Except for those who "like it like that"; another topic for another blog post....
Next, grief. Grief isn't just about literally losing a loved one to death. Unresolved grief can do with anything we were significantly disappointed about from our past. Being forced to live with grandma after mom and dad's divorce. Not being able to afford college in spite of our good grades in high school. Gaining 75 lbs. and it sticking around for years. Developing a wicked meth habit and not understanding how we got there...or how to get out. There are so many things that cause us to feel deep grief. Grant it, I have seen the clients also who grieve over not having received a Corvette at age 16 like their older sibling did. Or being so angry that, as an adult, they are not as "famous" as they thought they would or should be by this age. Hey, I can't make this stuff up. People grieve and stay stuck in their grief for ALL sorts of reasons---not just the ones that make sense to most.
When we are stuck in our grief, we change. We learn how to lose hope about our present---and our future. We learn to live in despair. We learn to give up....or we learn how to stay angry, stay resentful, and stay bitter. Either option of course, not a good choice.
Lastly, guilt. What does guilt have to do with relationship junk? Plenty. When we believe ourselves to be no good...not worthy...incapable of forgiveness or being forgiven....of just being more "bad" than good...we got a major problem. All of that leads us to living fake lives and putting out fake personas to the world around us. Instead of just being who we authentically are...and with anyone we come in contact with...we run a game. We act one way with one person or group...and then act some other kind of way with another person or group. As I just said, we run a game. Our hearts harden, we lose our compassion, and we lack empathy. We become more like roaming coyotes looking for who and what will give us most of what we want when we want it. Again, not a good choice nor a good way to live.
Next time, how to climb up out of the pit we have created with our excess baggage of grudges, grief, and guilt by facing these demons and doing our own work of healing, positive change, and growth...
Grudges no doubt represent one area of our thinking worth examining closely. Who are you still mad at and over what all these months, years, and/or decades later? If I had a nickel for every time I have seen a client with an age-old grudge against someone they once loved and cared about---I could have retired ten years ago.
Past and present grudges give us permission to remain traumatically linked to a person, or those people, who we believe (be it real or imagined) have profoundly hurt us. Holding grudges gives me, as the grudge holder, permission to think, feel, and behave "badly" towards you whenever I like. How this plays out in one's present relationships is when we feel "?!?!?!?!!" when we are harshly judged or falsely accused of something by the grudge holder(s) in our lives. Or, conversely, when we realize we may have attacked someone in some way for reasons we don't fully comprehend. Regardless of whether we are targeted by or instigate these grudge-inspired behaviors---the outcomes are still the same: we feel icky and don't know why.
This just happened to me recently. I was at an event, and someone at the table randomly started telling me what I did months ago at another event we were both at. As she spoke, I knew that her so-called "recollection of events" was bogus. It would be akin to saying "Remember the time we were at such-and-such and you stole Bon Jovi away from me?" Like that kind of off the wall skewed. This person was so off the train track of reality about what she accused me of and judged me about---I couldn't help but just get up to hug her and thank her for her care and concern. In other words, I love bombed her in spite of her original motivation(s)---whatever they were. Grant it, this person I am speaking of is someone I am "stuck" having to interact with on an infrequent-but-frequent-enough basis; however, I am no dummy either. If I can avoid the interactions...I do. And life goes on just fine for me....anyway.
With all this grudge keeping going on, can you understand how difficult it would be for seasoned grudge holders to let go and move on in spite of the people who trigger them? I mean, even if we were face to face with a serial killer....as adults we can still walk away and refuse to engage correct? Nobody is holding anybody by the short hairs and "making" them be in a relationship with someone who is more harmful than helpful. Except for those who "like it like that"; another topic for another blog post....
Next, grief. Grief isn't just about literally losing a loved one to death. Unresolved grief can do with anything we were significantly disappointed about from our past. Being forced to live with grandma after mom and dad's divorce. Not being able to afford college in spite of our good grades in high school. Gaining 75 lbs. and it sticking around for years. Developing a wicked meth habit and not understanding how we got there...or how to get out. There are so many things that cause us to feel deep grief. Grant it, I have seen the clients also who grieve over not having received a Corvette at age 16 like their older sibling did. Or being so angry that, as an adult, they are not as "famous" as they thought they would or should be by this age. Hey, I can't make this stuff up. People grieve and stay stuck in their grief for ALL sorts of reasons---not just the ones that make sense to most.
When we are stuck in our grief, we change. We learn how to lose hope about our present---and our future. We learn to live in despair. We learn to give up....or we learn how to stay angry, stay resentful, and stay bitter. Either option of course, not a good choice.
Lastly, guilt. What does guilt have to do with relationship junk? Plenty. When we believe ourselves to be no good...not worthy...incapable of forgiveness or being forgiven....of just being more "bad" than good...we got a major problem. All of that leads us to living fake lives and putting out fake personas to the world around us. Instead of just being who we authentically are...and with anyone we come in contact with...we run a game. We act one way with one person or group...and then act some other kind of way with another person or group. As I just said, we run a game. Our hearts harden, we lose our compassion, and we lack empathy. We become more like roaming coyotes looking for who and what will give us most of what we want when we want it. Again, not a good choice nor a good way to live.
Next time, how to climb up out of the pit we have created with our excess baggage of grudges, grief, and guilt by facing these demons and doing our own work of healing, positive change, and growth...