When I work with clients, they often marvel at the four main reasons why we (meaning all of us who are human!) get angry when we do. Here's the short list: (1) we are true victims of true injustice, (2) we are not getting what we want when we want it, (3) we are being harshly judged and, (4) we are being falsely accused. Yep, that's it folks. All the reasons why any of us get angry with ourselves...with each other...and with the world within which we reside....
For today's blog post, I would like to address the issues of being harshly judged and falsely accused and exactly what that means and looks like---because it isn't always so obvious as it seems.
Before I do that though, a quick primer on the descending hierarchy of how our relationships (with anybody!) can go from good enough---to bye bye never want to lay eyes on you again:
EXPECTATIONS
DISAPPOINTMENT
ANGER
RESENTMENT
BITTERNESS
LATER! (BYE BYE FOR GOOD!)
That's it. Pretty simple eh? We expect what we do...we don't see it happen...we get and feel disappointed. When we fail to adjust our own expectations and/or work through the issues that disappoint us repeatedly....this is when anger kicks in. Left unresolved, the anger we feel hardens and morphs from being angry about the "problem"...to becoming angry about "the person". Even though many of us feel we have attempted to negotiate and compromise our way through the "issue" or problem at hand....many of us have not. We have merely talked "at" each other about what we want and expect from that other person.
Which is how, over time, we become resentful (towards the other person we are in a relationship with). After so long, our resentment hardens like chunks of rock. We find ourselves feeling like that other person says or does whatever on purpose. Just to upset us. Just to yank our chain. Just to demonstrate how long they are willing to hold out in order to get their way...or to maintain control (over us). It is at this point we have become embittered. There is very little (if anything!) that the other person can say or do that will change our minds about him or her. We are done. We want out. We are finished. And this, dear readers, is how a person goes from starting out a relationship with expectations for themselves and the other person....and ending up in the proverbial ditch...
So....back to anger and the reasons why we get angry. In the context of what I just presented here, when we are being truly victimized, not getting what we want, harshly judged and/or falsely accused---THERE IS NO DOUBT we are DISAPPOINTED by what we just experienced. Of course we are! Who wants to have to face that a person they love and care about could throw you or me under the bus like that? Nobody!
Yet when the problem or issue is not being actively worked through in order to get SOLVED, RESOLVED, or DISSOLVED---all that will happen is that the same issue, the same problem, and the same drama will pop up again (and again and again!) like a bad case of GERD.
The tyranny of being harshly judged and falsely accused revolves around a person's character more than it does a person's behavior. Does that surprise you? It shouldn't. When we are harshly judged and falsely accused, we need to consider the source of that judgment and accusation. As someone very wise once put it, "There are artists and con artists; I know who I am. Do you?" No, not always.
I have often shared the story in therapy of the business owner I knew as a young 20-something who had a sign behind his counter that read "These premises monitored 3 nights a week by a .357 magnum; you guess which 3 nights." At the time, when I asked why he had that sign up there...he laughed and said "Everyone in business is a crook Mary; don't ever forget that." Yeah o.k. And...? I knew I wasn't a crook and I had my own business at the time. But who was I to argue with a 52 year old man who had a .357 magnum monitoring his store 3 nights a week? (LOL!) See what I mean? I knew who I was at that time. He did not. As in he did not know who I truly was---but assumed he did.
I am reminded of so many young couples where, when they meet...everything is the berries. "He's so wonderful; he took me to California on a fabulous trip..." "She's amazing; she takes care of my son like he's her own and we've only been together six months..." blah blah blah. A whole lot of looking good and acting nice without any real consideration for WHO ARE YOU REALLY?!
And then at some point reality hits. All that impressing and being impressed stuff goes down the tubes because both parties...in truth...were not being completely honest with themselves, or each other, about "who" they exactly were or are in terms of their character. I've seen it hundreds of times folks; you cannot lie about your bank account...or your job...or your future plans concerning where to live...or your desire or lack of desire to have kids....(whatever!) and not expect it to come back at some point and bite you right square in the middle of your life.
Harsh judgment and false accusation is borne out of a flawed character that screams "You aren't any better than me!" In spite of all the evidence to the contrary. You can behave all sorts of ways that attempt to send the message that you are honest....hard working....caring....considerate...willing to negotiate and compromise....and all the rest. But if you are, in your core, a person who just wants what you want when you want it---and are willing to go to whatever lengths to get it---then you will end up in the soup. Alone, embittered, and assuming the worst about others...
Until next time...
For today's blog post, I would like to address the issues of being harshly judged and falsely accused and exactly what that means and looks like---because it isn't always so obvious as it seems.
Before I do that though, a quick primer on the descending hierarchy of how our relationships (with anybody!) can go from good enough---to bye bye never want to lay eyes on you again:
EXPECTATIONS
DISAPPOINTMENT
ANGER
RESENTMENT
BITTERNESS
LATER! (BYE BYE FOR GOOD!)
That's it. Pretty simple eh? We expect what we do...we don't see it happen...we get and feel disappointed. When we fail to adjust our own expectations and/or work through the issues that disappoint us repeatedly....this is when anger kicks in. Left unresolved, the anger we feel hardens and morphs from being angry about the "problem"...to becoming angry about "the person". Even though many of us feel we have attempted to negotiate and compromise our way through the "issue" or problem at hand....many of us have not. We have merely talked "at" each other about what we want and expect from that other person.
Which is how, over time, we become resentful (towards the other person we are in a relationship with). After so long, our resentment hardens like chunks of rock. We find ourselves feeling like that other person says or does whatever on purpose. Just to upset us. Just to yank our chain. Just to demonstrate how long they are willing to hold out in order to get their way...or to maintain control (over us). It is at this point we have become embittered. There is very little (if anything!) that the other person can say or do that will change our minds about him or her. We are done. We want out. We are finished. And this, dear readers, is how a person goes from starting out a relationship with expectations for themselves and the other person....and ending up in the proverbial ditch...
So....back to anger and the reasons why we get angry. In the context of what I just presented here, when we are being truly victimized, not getting what we want, harshly judged and/or falsely accused---THERE IS NO DOUBT we are DISAPPOINTED by what we just experienced. Of course we are! Who wants to have to face that a person they love and care about could throw you or me under the bus like that? Nobody!
Yet when the problem or issue is not being actively worked through in order to get SOLVED, RESOLVED, or DISSOLVED---all that will happen is that the same issue, the same problem, and the same drama will pop up again (and again and again!) like a bad case of GERD.
The tyranny of being harshly judged and falsely accused revolves around a person's character more than it does a person's behavior. Does that surprise you? It shouldn't. When we are harshly judged and falsely accused, we need to consider the source of that judgment and accusation. As someone very wise once put it, "There are artists and con artists; I know who I am. Do you?" No, not always.
I have often shared the story in therapy of the business owner I knew as a young 20-something who had a sign behind his counter that read "These premises monitored 3 nights a week by a .357 magnum; you guess which 3 nights." At the time, when I asked why he had that sign up there...he laughed and said "Everyone in business is a crook Mary; don't ever forget that." Yeah o.k. And...? I knew I wasn't a crook and I had my own business at the time. But who was I to argue with a 52 year old man who had a .357 magnum monitoring his store 3 nights a week? (LOL!) See what I mean? I knew who I was at that time. He did not. As in he did not know who I truly was---but assumed he did.
I am reminded of so many young couples where, when they meet...everything is the berries. "He's so wonderful; he took me to California on a fabulous trip..." "She's amazing; she takes care of my son like he's her own and we've only been together six months..." blah blah blah. A whole lot of looking good and acting nice without any real consideration for WHO ARE YOU REALLY?!
And then at some point reality hits. All that impressing and being impressed stuff goes down the tubes because both parties...in truth...were not being completely honest with themselves, or each other, about "who" they exactly were or are in terms of their character. I've seen it hundreds of times folks; you cannot lie about your bank account...or your job...or your future plans concerning where to live...or your desire or lack of desire to have kids....(whatever!) and not expect it to come back at some point and bite you right square in the middle of your life.
Harsh judgment and false accusation is borne out of a flawed character that screams "You aren't any better than me!" In spite of all the evidence to the contrary. You can behave all sorts of ways that attempt to send the message that you are honest....hard working....caring....considerate...willing to negotiate and compromise....and all the rest. But if you are, in your core, a person who just wants what you want when you want it---and are willing to go to whatever lengths to get it---then you will end up in the soup. Alone, embittered, and assuming the worst about others...
Until next time...