I can remember when I was young and single a roommate of mine who was a lovely person---but had a major a$$hole boyfriend. How did I know he was a jerk? Well, beyond seeing him come into our place when he did and behave like her only roommate (without paying for anything), THAT was a bit of a tip off to me. Beyond that, when she wasn't around and it was just he and I together---he basically ignored me. I mean, I understood that somewhat; back then, why would anybody want to talk to or interact with someone they didn't "pick" to do that with? Yet it still felt disrespectful.
Over the course of their relationship, I noticed that he really had a hard time attending to her as a girlfriend. Everything was pretty much about him and what he wanted...and she complied. If she didn't do or get what he wanted, he would say things to her that were not very nice. I remember the time he called her a fat you-know-what...and this girl was no more than 110 lbs.! I also suspected that he was into some things (or people!) that weren't quite kosher. If she would ask him about something and he didn't feel like answering---his responses typically revolved around "it" being her fault for even asking. Before I even knew what the heck gaslighting was...this guy was a master at it!
He never got physical with her in my presence....but he sure knew how to yell and carry on when she didn't "do" like he expected or wanted.
Just before they got married, I asked her if she was sure she wanted to marry him. Her response to my question was that she was turning 27 years old in August. Okay then. The wedding itself was a blur in my mind; I knew it would end badly---which it did of course. After their bad breakup and divorce, she did go on to find a better man.
But why did she allow herself to marry this worse man (and have children with him) when she did? Why does anybody for that matter? What is it about us wearing those blinders when we are involved with someone who shows signs and puts out those signals of being abusive by nature?
Back to the codependent giver chat. When we are codependent, and when we are more "giver" oriented than not....we harbor the fantasy many a time that our love, our care, and our connection (to that other person) can FIX, can SAVE, and/or can RESCUE that person we are involved with. This represents Delusion #1.
I am reminded of another friend who dated a guy after her divorce who she claimed "love her" the best of anyone she had dated before or since. Except when she found out he was an open and proud to be bigot...in the middle of a parking lot...and when surrounded by a group of people he was most bigoted against. She broke up with him shortly afterwards. AS IT SHOULD BE! When my friend realized this particular character flaw in her boyfriend...she at least UNDERSTOOD that she couldn't fix that flaw...or save him from the consequences of that flaw...or rescue him from himself and the way he thought for that matter. So she left him. Good for her! That's what knowing when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and run is all about people! Even if the abuse is directed at someone else or some other group...it's still abuse!
Delusion #1 can take us down some many dark roads when we don't want to see the obvious about a person we are involved with. Just think of anyone who you know who is now sitting in jail for 10, 20, or 30 years because they were merely "there" when a person was murdered in their presence! I had trained and worked in a prison facility for a time; the majority of women on my unit were classic examples of "wrong place wrong time" situations. They didn't perpetrate the act which led to death, but they were there with the person who did. Not a good plan. Hangin' with the abusers in this life does no one any favors. It just doesn't.
What does abuse look like? I can tell you it is NOT just about physical violence that is committed against oneself or others. And for those who are "used to it" like that (being physically assaulted), I have actually had victims say to me "I'd rather have him beat me than ignore me." Okay then! Talk about a challenge in reframing one's thinking about physical abuse!
In fact, abusive behavior can start with something like a person being overly jealous or possessive. No ladies and gentlemen...being jealous is NOT flattering; it's a signal! When a person wants you or your time all to themselves....how is that living in reality? It just isn't. You do NOT exist to make sure your boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse's "life" is good every single day...and/or drama free!
I am reminded of another friend (male) who had a real problem with this jealousy issue from as far back as grade school. He just couldn't handle anybody else horning in on his perceived territory. With him, nobody had the right to join in any games or activities that he didn't approve of as participants. Not unlike another childhood friend (female) who was the same way...these two wanted control over anyone they let "in" to their lives---to the point of suffocation. To say trust was a major issue for both of them is understatement; they just couldn't handle other people vying for the same attention they themselves so desperately sought.
I had a teenager many years ago who came in to see me about her own "jealousy" issue involving her then boyfriend at the time. She was really upset not knowing how to solve this issue on her own. We talked about a lot, including her experiences with her own family of origin (parents and sister). As we went through what she felt and experienced as her parents were going through a nasty divorce, she just blurted out in session one night "That's it!" What was it? "It" was when she realized that she was doing to her boyfriend pretty much what her father did to her mother prior to their divorce being announced. "He never wanted her to be anywhere without him!" Yeah, that would be a signal that something's rotten in Denmark that's for sure. As she was able to identify specific ways of thinking and behaving that she felt she "learned" by her father...it helped her to change her own thinking and behavior towards her boyfriend. Yeah, they broke up anyway---but I can only pray she herself became a better woman as she grew older...and found herself a better man too!
Next post, I will present additional signs of abusive behaviors that we often choose not to notice...
Over the course of their relationship, I noticed that he really had a hard time attending to her as a girlfriend. Everything was pretty much about him and what he wanted...and she complied. If she didn't do or get what he wanted, he would say things to her that were not very nice. I remember the time he called her a fat you-know-what...and this girl was no more than 110 lbs.! I also suspected that he was into some things (or people!) that weren't quite kosher. If she would ask him about something and he didn't feel like answering---his responses typically revolved around "it" being her fault for even asking. Before I even knew what the heck gaslighting was...this guy was a master at it!
He never got physical with her in my presence....but he sure knew how to yell and carry on when she didn't "do" like he expected or wanted.
Just before they got married, I asked her if she was sure she wanted to marry him. Her response to my question was that she was turning 27 years old in August. Okay then. The wedding itself was a blur in my mind; I knew it would end badly---which it did of course. After their bad breakup and divorce, she did go on to find a better man.
But why did she allow herself to marry this worse man (and have children with him) when she did? Why does anybody for that matter? What is it about us wearing those blinders when we are involved with someone who shows signs and puts out those signals of being abusive by nature?
Back to the codependent giver chat. When we are codependent, and when we are more "giver" oriented than not....we harbor the fantasy many a time that our love, our care, and our connection (to that other person) can FIX, can SAVE, and/or can RESCUE that person we are involved with. This represents Delusion #1.
I am reminded of another friend who dated a guy after her divorce who she claimed "love her" the best of anyone she had dated before or since. Except when she found out he was an open and proud to be bigot...in the middle of a parking lot...and when surrounded by a group of people he was most bigoted against. She broke up with him shortly afterwards. AS IT SHOULD BE! When my friend realized this particular character flaw in her boyfriend...she at least UNDERSTOOD that she couldn't fix that flaw...or save him from the consequences of that flaw...or rescue him from himself and the way he thought for that matter. So she left him. Good for her! That's what knowing when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and run is all about people! Even if the abuse is directed at someone else or some other group...it's still abuse!
Delusion #1 can take us down some many dark roads when we don't want to see the obvious about a person we are involved with. Just think of anyone who you know who is now sitting in jail for 10, 20, or 30 years because they were merely "there" when a person was murdered in their presence! I had trained and worked in a prison facility for a time; the majority of women on my unit were classic examples of "wrong place wrong time" situations. They didn't perpetrate the act which led to death, but they were there with the person who did. Not a good plan. Hangin' with the abusers in this life does no one any favors. It just doesn't.
What does abuse look like? I can tell you it is NOT just about physical violence that is committed against oneself or others. And for those who are "used to it" like that (being physically assaulted), I have actually had victims say to me "I'd rather have him beat me than ignore me." Okay then! Talk about a challenge in reframing one's thinking about physical abuse!
In fact, abusive behavior can start with something like a person being overly jealous or possessive. No ladies and gentlemen...being jealous is NOT flattering; it's a signal! When a person wants you or your time all to themselves....how is that living in reality? It just isn't. You do NOT exist to make sure your boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse's "life" is good every single day...and/or drama free!
I am reminded of another friend (male) who had a real problem with this jealousy issue from as far back as grade school. He just couldn't handle anybody else horning in on his perceived territory. With him, nobody had the right to join in any games or activities that he didn't approve of as participants. Not unlike another childhood friend (female) who was the same way...these two wanted control over anyone they let "in" to their lives---to the point of suffocation. To say trust was a major issue for both of them is understatement; they just couldn't handle other people vying for the same attention they themselves so desperately sought.
I had a teenager many years ago who came in to see me about her own "jealousy" issue involving her then boyfriend at the time. She was really upset not knowing how to solve this issue on her own. We talked about a lot, including her experiences with her own family of origin (parents and sister). As we went through what she felt and experienced as her parents were going through a nasty divorce, she just blurted out in session one night "That's it!" What was it? "It" was when she realized that she was doing to her boyfriend pretty much what her father did to her mother prior to their divorce being announced. "He never wanted her to be anywhere without him!" Yeah, that would be a signal that something's rotten in Denmark that's for sure. As she was able to identify specific ways of thinking and behaving that she felt she "learned" by her father...it helped her to change her own thinking and behavior towards her boyfriend. Yeah, they broke up anyway---but I can only pray she herself became a better woman as she grew older...and found herself a better man too!
Next post, I will present additional signs of abusive behaviors that we often choose not to notice...