The codependent taker is typically perceived as easily understood; just give he/she/them what is wanted...and everything's good. In spite of the fact that few acknowledge their codependent taking behavior, we all do it. Of course we do! I can tell you that a seasoned codependent taker can sniff out a "mark" from 50' away no kidding! How so? As my one friend likes to term it: "It's all about finding those compliant types..". Yes, that's right! People who are overly compliant generally speaking and who, oh by the way, are more often than not busy pursuing their own codependent giving to others! That's how that all works if you haven't yet figured it out: codependent givers and codependent takers attract each other like smoke and fire. Yet...we all DO have that smoke and fire smoldering and burning within us in the first place!
The codependent taker, depending on how "into it" he or she is....definitely wants to feel the power, and the pleasure, and the avoidance of personal responsibility as their primary motives for functioning as they do. These things are their "reward" for doing a good job of taking from others. Addicts and criminals are at one end of that spectrum ("major" codependent takers)….while (for lack of a better way of putting it!) "pathetic victims" are at the other end. You know that type: "Oh....how I suffer so...so can you......for me....today?" (Blah blah blah...)
Now as difficult as this may be to believe, codependent takers still "do" want the acceptance, approval, and love from others in most cases. The exceptions would be the malignant narcissists, sociopaths/psychopaths among us. For those folks, they serve an army of one (themselves) and that's that. And, to add insult to injury, with these hardcore codependent takers--it does NOT matter who is seriously harmed or even killed as part of the "taking" process. I am reminded of that young girl who just went missing in Iowa a couple of weeks ago. She was just jogging along an open road...but some vehicle came up on her and snatched her. That's how it can go with these dangerous and malignant codependent takers. They see and opportunity...and they certainly take it without regard for anyone but themselves---and their own needs' satisfaction.
For the run-of-the-mill codependent taker, it may seem counter-intuitive "how" they would still seek acceptance, approval, and love from those who they are taking from. Yet they do and here's how that can look...
Acceptance: If I present myself as "needing" you to the point of not knowing or being able to "do" what I could or should do for myself and on my own---this is the siren call out to every codependent giver (and potential accepter-of-me!) in existence! "Oh mom...I don't know what I am going to do the baby still sleeps in our bed because we can't afford a crib..." "Oh dad....we won't be able to buy that house because we still don't qualify for a mortgage.." In it's bizarre-o way...codependent takers DO feel accepted when being given whatever it is they are wanting from someone else. Grant it, the feeling of acceptance is fleeting and lasts for only a short time---but it does occur! Even serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer talked about his need to not have his victims "leave" him after they had spent time together hanging out! The way he went about making sure they wouldn't leave him was off the charts...but that underlying need for acceptance by another human being was still present within him.
Acceptance is what gives us our sense of it being "o.k." for us to be here. We are being accepted as a member of the human family; we are an integral part of the larger whole. We "fit" in with our fellow human beings. For those individuals who don't feel this sense of human connectedness and authentic emotional and/or spiritual intimacy with "others" in the general sense.....there will be drama! And problems...and dysfunction...and codependent taking on blast. Just sayin'...
Garnering the approval of others when in codependent taking mode is a bit more dicey to explain and understand. When we take from someone that which we are capable of doing for ourselves in the first place....we are, in our way, making them feel good about themselves at our own expense. I remember in jr. high school playing "dumb" with our Social Studies teacher about which directions truly pointed to the "north", "south", "east", and "west". Of course I knew which way "north" was...but I gave him some crap about "If it's pointing "up" on the map---then north is up!" blah blah. He made a meal out of this discussion for a couple of class sessions....and of course I presented myself as a beyond-hope fool when it came to directions. Yet....making him feel good about himself as a "teacher" was something that I can consciously remember doing when I played so dumb in that classroom over that particular issue. That's what the codependent taker's take on seeking approval is about. I was taking class time to goof around and not do our "real" work during that hour...but he was feeling good about himself getting to "teach" the dummy in the class about the true directions of N, S, E, and W. A win-win as far as I was concerned. He liked me....I liked him...we approved of each other...but I still took and wasted valuable class time for those others IN our class who really were there to learn---all in the name of my teacher's approval "issue"...and my own!
The codependent taker is still human: we all want to be "liked" and "loved" when we do. How does a codependent taker feel liked or love when they are literally working to get the most from others for the least effort? In its way, feeling liked or loved is tied up with feeling wanted for the codependent taker. If you "want" me by doing for me....or spending time with me...or saying nice things to me...or giving me literal things....that'll work! I can and will feel liked or loved by you! So whenever the codependent taker "scores" by getting verbal affirmation...or quality time spent with another person...or gifts...or having something done for them....all of that "works" to fill that empty well of need for love---and for like. Which is within all of us, by the way---not just within people who make a habit out of taking from others....
As such...the codependent giver/taker which resides in every soul in existence....doesn't have to accept "that" lifestyle as a given with no other options. Once again, authentic freedom begins by treating ourselves and others as equals---not as objects. It continues on by learning how to negotiate and compromise our own needs' satisfaction...and the needs' satisfaction of others while maintaining our own personal boundaries and sense of positive self care. We don't just do whatever someone else wants...but neither do we only do what we want. We have to learn to discuss difficult subjects and work through them to a point of mutual compromise and satisfaction. We must learn where we end...and the other person begins. We must be appropriately responsible for carrying our "own" load of responsibilities in this life---instead of looking to take on other people's (like it's our job!)...or let other people take on ours!
Interdependence is the goal of any healthy and authentically intimate relationship between two or more people. We have to learn to float between being independent...and dependent when under extraordinary burden(s)...and back again. None of this I'm all wrapped up in you...and you're all wrapped up in me...over stuff that isn't wrap-worthy to begin with!
Until next post. Have a great week ahead!
The codependent taker, depending on how "into it" he or she is....definitely wants to feel the power, and the pleasure, and the avoidance of personal responsibility as their primary motives for functioning as they do. These things are their "reward" for doing a good job of taking from others. Addicts and criminals are at one end of that spectrum ("major" codependent takers)….while (for lack of a better way of putting it!) "pathetic victims" are at the other end. You know that type: "Oh....how I suffer so...so can you......for me....today?" (Blah blah blah...)
Now as difficult as this may be to believe, codependent takers still "do" want the acceptance, approval, and love from others in most cases. The exceptions would be the malignant narcissists, sociopaths/psychopaths among us. For those folks, they serve an army of one (themselves) and that's that. And, to add insult to injury, with these hardcore codependent takers--it does NOT matter who is seriously harmed or even killed as part of the "taking" process. I am reminded of that young girl who just went missing in Iowa a couple of weeks ago. She was just jogging along an open road...but some vehicle came up on her and snatched her. That's how it can go with these dangerous and malignant codependent takers. They see and opportunity...and they certainly take it without regard for anyone but themselves---and their own needs' satisfaction.
For the run-of-the-mill codependent taker, it may seem counter-intuitive "how" they would still seek acceptance, approval, and love from those who they are taking from. Yet they do and here's how that can look...
Acceptance: If I present myself as "needing" you to the point of not knowing or being able to "do" what I could or should do for myself and on my own---this is the siren call out to every codependent giver (and potential accepter-of-me!) in existence! "Oh mom...I don't know what I am going to do the baby still sleeps in our bed because we can't afford a crib..." "Oh dad....we won't be able to buy that house because we still don't qualify for a mortgage.." In it's bizarre-o way...codependent takers DO feel accepted when being given whatever it is they are wanting from someone else. Grant it, the feeling of acceptance is fleeting and lasts for only a short time---but it does occur! Even serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer talked about his need to not have his victims "leave" him after they had spent time together hanging out! The way he went about making sure they wouldn't leave him was off the charts...but that underlying need for acceptance by another human being was still present within him.
Acceptance is what gives us our sense of it being "o.k." for us to be here. We are being accepted as a member of the human family; we are an integral part of the larger whole. We "fit" in with our fellow human beings. For those individuals who don't feel this sense of human connectedness and authentic emotional and/or spiritual intimacy with "others" in the general sense.....there will be drama! And problems...and dysfunction...and codependent taking on blast. Just sayin'...
Garnering the approval of others when in codependent taking mode is a bit more dicey to explain and understand. When we take from someone that which we are capable of doing for ourselves in the first place....we are, in our way, making them feel good about themselves at our own expense. I remember in jr. high school playing "dumb" with our Social Studies teacher about which directions truly pointed to the "north", "south", "east", and "west". Of course I knew which way "north" was...but I gave him some crap about "If it's pointing "up" on the map---then north is up!" blah blah. He made a meal out of this discussion for a couple of class sessions....and of course I presented myself as a beyond-hope fool when it came to directions. Yet....making him feel good about himself as a "teacher" was something that I can consciously remember doing when I played so dumb in that classroom over that particular issue. That's what the codependent taker's take on seeking approval is about. I was taking class time to goof around and not do our "real" work during that hour...but he was feeling good about himself getting to "teach" the dummy in the class about the true directions of N, S, E, and W. A win-win as far as I was concerned. He liked me....I liked him...we approved of each other...but I still took and wasted valuable class time for those others IN our class who really were there to learn---all in the name of my teacher's approval "issue"...and my own!
The codependent taker is still human: we all want to be "liked" and "loved" when we do. How does a codependent taker feel liked or love when they are literally working to get the most from others for the least effort? In its way, feeling liked or loved is tied up with feeling wanted for the codependent taker. If you "want" me by doing for me....or spending time with me...or saying nice things to me...or giving me literal things....that'll work! I can and will feel liked or loved by you! So whenever the codependent taker "scores" by getting verbal affirmation...or quality time spent with another person...or gifts...or having something done for them....all of that "works" to fill that empty well of need for love---and for like. Which is within all of us, by the way---not just within people who make a habit out of taking from others....
As such...the codependent giver/taker which resides in every soul in existence....doesn't have to accept "that" lifestyle as a given with no other options. Once again, authentic freedom begins by treating ourselves and others as equals---not as objects. It continues on by learning how to negotiate and compromise our own needs' satisfaction...and the needs' satisfaction of others while maintaining our own personal boundaries and sense of positive self care. We don't just do whatever someone else wants...but neither do we only do what we want. We have to learn to discuss difficult subjects and work through them to a point of mutual compromise and satisfaction. We must learn where we end...and the other person begins. We must be appropriately responsible for carrying our "own" load of responsibilities in this life---instead of looking to take on other people's (like it's our job!)...or let other people take on ours!
Interdependence is the goal of any healthy and authentically intimate relationship between two or more people. We have to learn to float between being independent...and dependent when under extraordinary burden(s)...and back again. None of this I'm all wrapped up in you...and you're all wrapped up in me...over stuff that isn't wrap-worthy to begin with!
Until next post. Have a great week ahead!