Oh boy. Here we go with one of my more "difficult" posts to write about today; the difference between family loyalty and dirty secret keeping. Hang onto your hats and shorts readers; this one is a wild ride....
To begin, it is never o.k. to keep secrets. And as the old saying goes, "If it's a secret, you shouldn't be in it." That's a fact. Secrets, by their very nature, are not good for us as they are all about hiding. Hiding what, you may ask? Bluntly stated, secrets are designed to hide truths about ourselves and/or other people while at the same time hide offenses committed against oneself or other people, including of course the most innocent among us (children). Keeping secrets, as such, include exaggerations of the truth, blatant lies, half truths, or complete denial and/or dissociation from reality. In one study of death row inmates, it was found that the overwhelming majority would rather die in the electric chair than admit they were abused violently by one or both parents as children. Wow...so this secret keeping really can work to twist reality up into major knots over time. Yes, it's true. Dirty secret keeping is the scourge on American families just like the black plague was in Europe during the Middle Ages. Secrets merely serve to rob, kill, and destroy those who create them..and then keep them.
So...how does dirty secret keeping fit in with family loyalty? I know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Well---think about it. If your sister throws a fit whenever you "mention" something she doesn't want to hear or discuss---and then flips out on you for even bringing up the topic---there you go! However it occurs, the message of "DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT TO ME!" comes through loud and clear when someone starts throwing up that "L" card (LOYALTY!) at you as an immediate or extended family member. "We don't talk about that and neither should you!" "Don't you DARE tell anybody about that ever!" "What's wrong with you? Do you WANT him to come after you?" etc. etc. etc.
Loyalty, and in particular family loyalty, is NEVER about secret keeping, let alone dirty secret keeping! Loyalty is about faithfulness and support of someone you love and care for the purpose of encouraging, inspiring, and hopefully motivating them to achieve their own life's purpose! This means that every one of us needs to live and function as authentic "works in progress" while we are here for as long as we are (on planet Earth that is!). We need to improve ourselves with the passage of time, not spiral downward into hot messes of nasty by the time we reach old age.
Family loyalty does not mean ignoring the obvious offenses (sin!) that are committed under your own nose. When we refuse to say anything, in the moment of an offense that we have witnessed or has been directed at us, we are by our own very silence, agreeing with the perpetrator's choice. Just last night I was at a fundraiser for the Michigan Abolitionist Project (MAP) where the keynote speaker was sharing about violent sexual abuse she experienced at age 7. While her family was in the next room partying and playing cards, one of their "friends" would go into her bedroom, violently rape her, and then go back to the card table after claiming to have needed a bathroom break. And nobody at that card table even questioned this abuser doing that at least once or twice every Friday night?! Why did he have to use the bathroom by going through their young daughter's bedroom? Absolute insanity! But that's how it can be when dirty secret keeping maintains a "friendship" with someone who, in truth, needed to be in prison for repeated child sexual abuse.
None of us are exempt from having kept secrets in the name of family loyalty. I was just told the other day about a hot-headed repeatedly violent and addicted father who also was a serial cheater while his children were growing up. One of the adult children (now) knew the score then and never forgot; another sibling is still denying that "daddy" did anything even remotely inappropriate ever. A third adult sibling is now himself a hot-headed repeatedly violent and addicted father who cheats on his spouse. Yep, that's how it can roll over the course of time. Dirty secret keeping breeds more dirty secret keeping with each successive generation.
Unless someone is brave enough and courageous enough to break the cycle and chain of dysfunction....it will continue on for as long as it does. Period.
So---in the name of breaking tradition, think about your own life and current circumstances. Do you need to start facing those difficult truths about yourself and/or others in your family so as to set all involved free once and for all? If you need help with that process, that's why I and others like me are here to help.
Break the chain. If nothing changes, nothing changes!
To begin, it is never o.k. to keep secrets. And as the old saying goes, "If it's a secret, you shouldn't be in it." That's a fact. Secrets, by their very nature, are not good for us as they are all about hiding. Hiding what, you may ask? Bluntly stated, secrets are designed to hide truths about ourselves and/or other people while at the same time hide offenses committed against oneself or other people, including of course the most innocent among us (children). Keeping secrets, as such, include exaggerations of the truth, blatant lies, half truths, or complete denial and/or dissociation from reality. In one study of death row inmates, it was found that the overwhelming majority would rather die in the electric chair than admit they were abused violently by one or both parents as children. Wow...so this secret keeping really can work to twist reality up into major knots over time. Yes, it's true. Dirty secret keeping is the scourge on American families just like the black plague was in Europe during the Middle Ages. Secrets merely serve to rob, kill, and destroy those who create them..and then keep them.
So...how does dirty secret keeping fit in with family loyalty? I know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Well---think about it. If your sister throws a fit whenever you "mention" something she doesn't want to hear or discuss---and then flips out on you for even bringing up the topic---there you go! However it occurs, the message of "DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT TO ME!" comes through loud and clear when someone starts throwing up that "L" card (LOYALTY!) at you as an immediate or extended family member. "We don't talk about that and neither should you!" "Don't you DARE tell anybody about that ever!" "What's wrong with you? Do you WANT him to come after you?" etc. etc. etc.
Loyalty, and in particular family loyalty, is NEVER about secret keeping, let alone dirty secret keeping! Loyalty is about faithfulness and support of someone you love and care for the purpose of encouraging, inspiring, and hopefully motivating them to achieve their own life's purpose! This means that every one of us needs to live and function as authentic "works in progress" while we are here for as long as we are (on planet Earth that is!). We need to improve ourselves with the passage of time, not spiral downward into hot messes of nasty by the time we reach old age.
Family loyalty does not mean ignoring the obvious offenses (sin!) that are committed under your own nose. When we refuse to say anything, in the moment of an offense that we have witnessed or has been directed at us, we are by our own very silence, agreeing with the perpetrator's choice. Just last night I was at a fundraiser for the Michigan Abolitionist Project (MAP) where the keynote speaker was sharing about violent sexual abuse she experienced at age 7. While her family was in the next room partying and playing cards, one of their "friends" would go into her bedroom, violently rape her, and then go back to the card table after claiming to have needed a bathroom break. And nobody at that card table even questioned this abuser doing that at least once or twice every Friday night?! Why did he have to use the bathroom by going through their young daughter's bedroom? Absolute insanity! But that's how it can be when dirty secret keeping maintains a "friendship" with someone who, in truth, needed to be in prison for repeated child sexual abuse.
None of us are exempt from having kept secrets in the name of family loyalty. I was just told the other day about a hot-headed repeatedly violent and addicted father who also was a serial cheater while his children were growing up. One of the adult children (now) knew the score then and never forgot; another sibling is still denying that "daddy" did anything even remotely inappropriate ever. A third adult sibling is now himself a hot-headed repeatedly violent and addicted father who cheats on his spouse. Yep, that's how it can roll over the course of time. Dirty secret keeping breeds more dirty secret keeping with each successive generation.
Unless someone is brave enough and courageous enough to break the cycle and chain of dysfunction....it will continue on for as long as it does. Period.
So---in the name of breaking tradition, think about your own life and current circumstances. Do you need to start facing those difficult truths about yourself and/or others in your family so as to set all involved free once and for all? If you need help with that process, that's why I and others like me are here to help.
Break the chain. If nothing changes, nothing changes!