Too much information. Well...what can we expect? We live in the age of information, so of course there is going to be too much of it floating around! But what if the TMI in your own life has to do with your family---and its secrets?
Last post, I addressed the issue of dirty secret keeping within families...and in the name of family "loyalty". Today I will be speaking about how "he or she with the most insight catches the most sh**" within family systems. Why? Because it's true folks; when you "get" (understand) your family and how each choose to cope and roll when triggered/stressed out/overwhelmed (etcetera etcetera!)….then be prepared for target practice, with you as the target!
"Don't shoot the messenger" is an old saying that has been around for what seems forever. I know when I first heard it, I had no clue what it meant? What messenger? Why shoot a messenger? Then I remember when I first heard another saying: "Everyone gets to choose how much truth they can stand." Between knowing too much information about one's own family system...or another...and then being faced with those family members who can't handle too much truth to begin with---it becomes clear pretty quickly that a sh** storm will be a brewin' sooner or later...
"Karin" is the youngest of four, though now in her early 50s. Karin was married briefly in her 20s, but had no children. She and her three siblings are scattered across the U.S.; the last time they were together was for their father's funeral several years ago. None of Karin's siblings have children either--though two out of the four are currently married. Karin's mother passed away last year, though she lived on her own in a separate state from any of her children.
Karin was, by her own admission, the "black sheep" in her family of origin. "I didn't want to go to college, and I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life career wise like my brother and sisters did", says Karin. On the other hand, Karin was extremely aware of the dysfunction and patterns of dysfunction present within her original family. "My older brother was monstrously unpredictable", claims Karin. "My first memory of him was feeling afraid when he was near me", she says. Karin's next oldest sister was of little comfort to Karin as Karin grew older. "She was so caught up in hating us because our mother worked her like a mule. I tried to be helpful, but my sister screamed at me a lot so I basically gave up."
By the time everyone went their separate ways as adults, Karin felt both lonely and ostracized by her family. "I can remember trying to get everyone together when my father was still alive, but it never happened where we were all there at the same time for Thanksgiving---or even Christmas. I asked my mother once if it bothered her that we were so disconnected as a family...and all she did was jump down my throat for even mentioning it."
As Karin learned, being a truth teller within her original family did her no favors. "When my brother got divorced, none of us were "allowed" to speak to his ex wife ever again. When my brother found out that she and I had met a couple of times for lunch, he blew a gasket", says Karin. "What he doesn't know is that his ex wife told me how violent he was towards her during the marriage and this is why she ended up leaving." Sheesh no wonder he wouldn't "allow" contact!
As Karin has sought out therapy to reduce the frequency of her own bad feelings about herself, she has learned some valuable lessons. "I am learning that scapegoating is a real deal; the family scapegoat isn't always the person who was bad or did bad in a family coming up. Sometimes the scapegoat is the person who is the truth seeker or truth teller that everyone else wants to shut up." Karin is right. Scapegoating isn't limited to the son or daughter who is a "loser" by the family's own definition. The family scapegoat may also be the family's most functional member---the family member who sees what is and sees how wrong it's all been.
"Sue" and "Charla" are best friends. Charla knows that Sue has a drinking problem and has for years. But, as Charla says, she's tried countless times to "carefront" Sue when they have been out together...and Sue has drank too much. "It just doesn't work", says Charla. "I can see she's drunk; I can hear her slurring her words...and she immediately turns nasty if I say anything she doesn't want to hear." What is Charla to do?
After Charla started therapy, she learned that she no longer has to be in the business of fixing, saving, or rescuing Sue from herself---and her drinking problem. She also learned that going out with Sue for drinks was much like taking out a brittle diabetic to Sanders' for a hot fudge cream puff. In spite of Sue's verbal abuse whenever Charla mentioned the "d" word (drinking!)….Charla was caught up in her own pattern of allowing their dysfunction to repeat itself (over and over again!) like clockwork.
For Charla to expect a different result whenever she and Sue were out drinking together...was truly insane. Ultimately, Charla focused on treating herself better by not putting herself in situations where she was setting herself up for abuse. Once her absence from hitting up the bars together was felt by Sue, Sue took up with another friend to pretty much replace Charla. "That's when I realized Sue had no interest in preserving our friendship", states Charla. "I was just a body to go out drinking with in her mind." Yes Charla, that's kind of how alcoholics roll just sayin'... But at least Charla got that memo eventually, rather than to remain stuck in that dysfunctional pattern with her former bff...
When we know too much information, we need to remember and focus on the present in terms of our own mental health and general well being. Throwing ourselves under the bus by allowing ourselves to be targeted (by whomever and whenever) for some form of abuse is never a good plan. If we don't view ourselves as mattering much, then why would we be surprised when we get hit up one side and down the other (either literally or figuratively) by those who can't stand too much truth?
Weeding our own garden of its destructive forces is not a bad thing. When we don't, the weeds really do end up taking over all that was once beautiful.
Until next time...
Last post, I addressed the issue of dirty secret keeping within families...and in the name of family "loyalty". Today I will be speaking about how "he or she with the most insight catches the most sh**" within family systems. Why? Because it's true folks; when you "get" (understand) your family and how each choose to cope and roll when triggered/stressed out/overwhelmed (etcetera etcetera!)….then be prepared for target practice, with you as the target!
"Don't shoot the messenger" is an old saying that has been around for what seems forever. I know when I first heard it, I had no clue what it meant? What messenger? Why shoot a messenger? Then I remember when I first heard another saying: "Everyone gets to choose how much truth they can stand." Between knowing too much information about one's own family system...or another...and then being faced with those family members who can't handle too much truth to begin with---it becomes clear pretty quickly that a sh** storm will be a brewin' sooner or later...
"Karin" is the youngest of four, though now in her early 50s. Karin was married briefly in her 20s, but had no children. She and her three siblings are scattered across the U.S.; the last time they were together was for their father's funeral several years ago. None of Karin's siblings have children either--though two out of the four are currently married. Karin's mother passed away last year, though she lived on her own in a separate state from any of her children.
Karin was, by her own admission, the "black sheep" in her family of origin. "I didn't want to go to college, and I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life career wise like my brother and sisters did", says Karin. On the other hand, Karin was extremely aware of the dysfunction and patterns of dysfunction present within her original family. "My older brother was monstrously unpredictable", claims Karin. "My first memory of him was feeling afraid when he was near me", she says. Karin's next oldest sister was of little comfort to Karin as Karin grew older. "She was so caught up in hating us because our mother worked her like a mule. I tried to be helpful, but my sister screamed at me a lot so I basically gave up."
By the time everyone went their separate ways as adults, Karin felt both lonely and ostracized by her family. "I can remember trying to get everyone together when my father was still alive, but it never happened where we were all there at the same time for Thanksgiving---or even Christmas. I asked my mother once if it bothered her that we were so disconnected as a family...and all she did was jump down my throat for even mentioning it."
As Karin learned, being a truth teller within her original family did her no favors. "When my brother got divorced, none of us were "allowed" to speak to his ex wife ever again. When my brother found out that she and I had met a couple of times for lunch, he blew a gasket", says Karin. "What he doesn't know is that his ex wife told me how violent he was towards her during the marriage and this is why she ended up leaving." Sheesh no wonder he wouldn't "allow" contact!
As Karin has sought out therapy to reduce the frequency of her own bad feelings about herself, she has learned some valuable lessons. "I am learning that scapegoating is a real deal; the family scapegoat isn't always the person who was bad or did bad in a family coming up. Sometimes the scapegoat is the person who is the truth seeker or truth teller that everyone else wants to shut up." Karin is right. Scapegoating isn't limited to the son or daughter who is a "loser" by the family's own definition. The family scapegoat may also be the family's most functional member---the family member who sees what is and sees how wrong it's all been.
"Sue" and "Charla" are best friends. Charla knows that Sue has a drinking problem and has for years. But, as Charla says, she's tried countless times to "carefront" Sue when they have been out together...and Sue has drank too much. "It just doesn't work", says Charla. "I can see she's drunk; I can hear her slurring her words...and she immediately turns nasty if I say anything she doesn't want to hear." What is Charla to do?
After Charla started therapy, she learned that she no longer has to be in the business of fixing, saving, or rescuing Sue from herself---and her drinking problem. She also learned that going out with Sue for drinks was much like taking out a brittle diabetic to Sanders' for a hot fudge cream puff. In spite of Sue's verbal abuse whenever Charla mentioned the "d" word (drinking!)….Charla was caught up in her own pattern of allowing their dysfunction to repeat itself (over and over again!) like clockwork.
For Charla to expect a different result whenever she and Sue were out drinking together...was truly insane. Ultimately, Charla focused on treating herself better by not putting herself in situations where she was setting herself up for abuse. Once her absence from hitting up the bars together was felt by Sue, Sue took up with another friend to pretty much replace Charla. "That's when I realized Sue had no interest in preserving our friendship", states Charla. "I was just a body to go out drinking with in her mind." Yes Charla, that's kind of how alcoholics roll just sayin'... But at least Charla got that memo eventually, rather than to remain stuck in that dysfunctional pattern with her former bff...
When we know too much information, we need to remember and focus on the present in terms of our own mental health and general well being. Throwing ourselves under the bus by allowing ourselves to be targeted (by whomever and whenever) for some form of abuse is never a good plan. If we don't view ourselves as mattering much, then why would we be surprised when we get hit up one side and down the other (either literally or figuratively) by those who can't stand too much truth?
Weeding our own garden of its destructive forces is not a bad thing. When we don't, the weeds really do end up taking over all that was once beautiful.
Until next time...