Seems like I have been hearing a lot about reunions lately. The impending spring and summer season have a great deal to do with that I imagine. My own high school reunion is coming up this August (I will NOT mention which one!)...and I am looking forward to it. Why? Well, that's the subject of today's blog post: the "good" that can come from our own "reunion time" experience(s) when we experience them!
I have a plaque on the wall of my office that simply states "Learn From Everything". Well, isn't that one of the big points of our existence regardless of our spiritual leanings---or lack thereof? If we don't learn from everything...we are at great risk of learning nothing from anything. When I recognize that I am in the presence of a "learn from nothing" type, I make a habit of remaining polite for a maximum of five minutes before making a clean getaway. I am not at a class reunion in order to debate politics, religious beliefs, or social injustice with anybody. I am not at a family reunion to hear someone beotch about Uncle Henry for 30 minutes because he is drunk. Are you catching my drift here? Reunions are great opportunities to catch up...but that catching up has to be satisfying in both directions...not just one's own. Otherwise, we are objectifying the other who is the focus of current attention...instead of treating him or her as a true equal. Funny how that works eh? I've mentioned it enough in past blog posts; effective communication always begins by treating ourself and the other person as equals---rather than as "things".
What I just described "is" in fact the first lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time. Treat yourself and whomever you interact with at your upcoming reunion as an equal...and not as a thing. Grant it, if they can't or won't practice the same courtesy in return, you are free to make your clean getaway without guilt. ;-) ...and after 5 minutes of initial interaction :-D. I myself have learned not to waste my time talking to offensive and/or foolish people as if I "owe" them my listening ear. I do not. Neither do you.
Reunions are also an excellent opportunity to re-connect with someone you miss...or have missed being in contact with for whatever reason(s). In spite of all the hype about extroverts versus introverts...social anxiety affects every one of us in its way. Do you take the risk of approaching someone, making eye contact, smiling, and saying "Hello! How are you?!"? I hope so! Unless you are a minor child, what's your excuse now? If you can't or won't approach someone you really do want to speak to...that's on you! I can't tell you how many people still play that "Oh no I can't do that!" card as if they just morphed from age 60 to age 5 in less than 5 seconds! You will not die, you will not pass out, you will not make a fool of yourself if and when you approach someone at a reunion and greet them...and ask how they are doing! You can do this! Even if that other person doesn't respond in a way you expected or hoped for, is your own sense of "rejection" really fatal or contagious? Of course it isn't! Practice being assertive! Go for it. It's o.k. It won't kill you.
This is the second lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time. If you expect people to approach you before you speak to them first, shame on you! Who the bleep do you think you are really? Don't get me wrong, the arrogant do this all the time ("wait" for their perceived subjects to approach them first!)...but the socially anxious do this as well. As I have reminded clients many times over the years, "not speaking up" and being appropriately assertive IS perceived by many as a sign of arrogance, indifference, and/or an aloof manner (aka "I don't really care to be here right now...let alone with you..."). Is that the impression you want to leave with anyone? Of course it isn't. I can remember all the times clients have said something like "Well, I'm older now...they should come up to me first to talk as a sign of respect." And are you the Godfather or Livia Soprano? Get over yourself! Nobody is "that" popular over the course of a lifetime! Sheesh! Try humility on for a change. Nobody is more attractive than when they are open, interested, and willing to engage as a general rule...
Third point: reunions are NOT the time to bring up dead bones and expect or ask for an apology from XXXX because XXXXX happened and NOW is the time to "resolve" that issue between you. Don't get me wrong; we are all tempted to do this. But as the world already knows, living well is the best revenge if revenge has entered your mind at any point. Forgive them. Forgive yourself for the resentments and bitterness you have carried around for way too long. When we live in resentment and bitterness, it shows. It shows physically, it shows mentally, and it certainly shows in a social context. I think of people I see in my practice who are "offended" by not speaking to them in a certain way they expect and/or demand. WTF? Talk about having to be in control of EVERYTHING?!?! That's how it can be when we remain ignorant to how our past wounds impact our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors "now". This is especially true among those of us who have remained a**holes since graduating high school! Just sayin'. LOL
Lastly, reunions are a time to have ourselves some FUN! Remember FUN!? Yes, in spite of how old we are...we can still practice having fun that is not self-or-other directed and destructive! Let yourself laugh...enjoy the music...dance! Do whatever it appropriate to do without throwing yourself or anyone else under that 18 wheeler!
If you are participating in a reunion of any kind this summer, enjoy yourself! Reunion time is a great time to show yourself and others how much you really have healed, changed for the better, and have grown from the inside out!
Until next post...
I have a plaque on the wall of my office that simply states "Learn From Everything". Well, isn't that one of the big points of our existence regardless of our spiritual leanings---or lack thereof? If we don't learn from everything...we are at great risk of learning nothing from anything. When I recognize that I am in the presence of a "learn from nothing" type, I make a habit of remaining polite for a maximum of five minutes before making a clean getaway. I am not at a class reunion in order to debate politics, religious beliefs, or social injustice with anybody. I am not at a family reunion to hear someone beotch about Uncle Henry for 30 minutes because he is drunk. Are you catching my drift here? Reunions are great opportunities to catch up...but that catching up has to be satisfying in both directions...not just one's own. Otherwise, we are objectifying the other who is the focus of current attention...instead of treating him or her as a true equal. Funny how that works eh? I've mentioned it enough in past blog posts; effective communication always begins by treating ourself and the other person as equals---rather than as "things".
What I just described "is" in fact the first lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time. Treat yourself and whomever you interact with at your upcoming reunion as an equal...and not as a thing. Grant it, if they can't or won't practice the same courtesy in return, you are free to make your clean getaway without guilt. ;-) ...and after 5 minutes of initial interaction :-D. I myself have learned not to waste my time talking to offensive and/or foolish people as if I "owe" them my listening ear. I do not. Neither do you.
Reunions are also an excellent opportunity to re-connect with someone you miss...or have missed being in contact with for whatever reason(s). In spite of all the hype about extroverts versus introverts...social anxiety affects every one of us in its way. Do you take the risk of approaching someone, making eye contact, smiling, and saying "Hello! How are you?!"? I hope so! Unless you are a minor child, what's your excuse now? If you can't or won't approach someone you really do want to speak to...that's on you! I can't tell you how many people still play that "Oh no I can't do that!" card as if they just morphed from age 60 to age 5 in less than 5 seconds! You will not die, you will not pass out, you will not make a fool of yourself if and when you approach someone at a reunion and greet them...and ask how they are doing! You can do this! Even if that other person doesn't respond in a way you expected or hoped for, is your own sense of "rejection" really fatal or contagious? Of course it isn't! Practice being assertive! Go for it. It's o.k. It won't kill you.
This is the second lesson to learn as it relates to reunion time. If you expect people to approach you before you speak to them first, shame on you! Who the bleep do you think you are really? Don't get me wrong, the arrogant do this all the time ("wait" for their perceived subjects to approach them first!)...but the socially anxious do this as well. As I have reminded clients many times over the years, "not speaking up" and being appropriately assertive IS perceived by many as a sign of arrogance, indifference, and/or an aloof manner (aka "I don't really care to be here right now...let alone with you..."). Is that the impression you want to leave with anyone? Of course it isn't. I can remember all the times clients have said something like "Well, I'm older now...they should come up to me first to talk as a sign of respect." And are you the Godfather or Livia Soprano? Get over yourself! Nobody is "that" popular over the course of a lifetime! Sheesh! Try humility on for a change. Nobody is more attractive than when they are open, interested, and willing to engage as a general rule...
Third point: reunions are NOT the time to bring up dead bones and expect or ask for an apology from XXXX because XXXXX happened and NOW is the time to "resolve" that issue between you. Don't get me wrong; we are all tempted to do this. But as the world already knows, living well is the best revenge if revenge has entered your mind at any point. Forgive them. Forgive yourself for the resentments and bitterness you have carried around for way too long. When we live in resentment and bitterness, it shows. It shows physically, it shows mentally, and it certainly shows in a social context. I think of people I see in my practice who are "offended" by not speaking to them in a certain way they expect and/or demand. WTF? Talk about having to be in control of EVERYTHING?!?! That's how it can be when we remain ignorant to how our past wounds impact our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors "now". This is especially true among those of us who have remained a**holes since graduating high school! Just sayin'. LOL
Lastly, reunions are a time to have ourselves some FUN! Remember FUN!? Yes, in spite of how old we are...we can still practice having fun that is not self-or-other directed and destructive! Let yourself laugh...enjoy the music...dance! Do whatever it appropriate to do without throwing yourself or anyone else under that 18 wheeler!
If you are participating in a reunion of any kind this summer, enjoy yourself! Reunion time is a great time to show yourself and others how much you really have healed, changed for the better, and have grown from the inside out!
Until next post...