When I work with clients, one of the handouts I provide has to do with how we get from our own "Expectations" to what's called the "Island of Invulnerability". What this means is that all of us start out in any relationship with our own expectations about "it" and the person we are involved with. I just started watching the Netflix series "Dead to Me" featuring Christina Applegate. In it, she is a new widow who meets another self-professing "widow" whose fiancé unexpected passed from a heart attack. At first, Applegate's character is not at all interested in making a new "friend" of this other woman. When she eventually does befriend her, she learns that her friend has lied to her in a major and seemingly unforgiveable way. Yeah, it's like that. We have expectations about a person...and then BOOM! Everything blows up out of left field.
After the initial sting of disappointment, after the anger which can follow when subsequent expectations are not met, and after the resentment that can follow when our anger hardens into chunks we can no longer manage---comes the bitterness.
When we are bitter, we are pretty much done with whomever it is who we feel has seriously and significantly and repeatedly betrayed our trust. Whatever the behavior is that we have been offended by...we are emotionally past it. We are instead focused on the person him or herself who has disappointed/angered/enraged us way too often. "He did that on purpose just to pi** me off!" "She KNOWS I don't like XXXXX..." "How could they when they KNOW I can't..."
Bitter is not better. After bitter, we may choose to hop onto that Island of Invulnerability where we write off the person for good. We are done. We are through. No more relationship with him, her, or them.
Being and becoming bitter is not unlike going to the doctor for an annual physical and then being suddenly surprised by the news that we have pneumonia and meningitis. We aren't that insightful when it comes to our own personal level of bitterness that's been festering within us for however long. We really do believe we are "all good" on the inside until that other person's name comes up---if and when it comes up. Then we go on blast. That "blast" moment may be completely self contained. No one else would see or know that we are upset at the mere mention of so-and-so's name; but we know. Or...we could be very verbal about whomever it is from our past that we remain bitter about. "Don't ever bring up his name again!" (Or whatever else we might say when his or her name is mentioned to us...) Now imagine when that "bitter" multiplies. We aren't just bitter about our "ex"; we are bitter towards a whole lot of other people too. Yes, bitter can be like that. We feel we are good in spite of the pain and hurt we have suffered, but are we really?
What bitter people don't realize is that bitterness doesn't come all at once. It comes in small and measured dosages over the course of time. We are disappointed by what this person did...and then we are disappointed by what that person did...and then we are disappointed by what "they" did (whomever "they" are!)...and before we know it, we really do have an attitude towards people---or "that" type of people---in general. We are more closed than open. We are more guarded than vulnerable. We are more fearful than curious. We are more a pain in the a$$ than we are FUN! Unless we do alcohol and/or drugs; then we think we are a lot of fun. That would be a lie and a self-delusion in action, by the way. Nobody is truly fun or charming or great company when they are wasted. They are just less inhibited and whatever "bitter" is in them...believe me, it WILL come out before the day or evening or weekend is over. Don't kid yourself.
Yep, it's like that. A bitter attitude serves no useful purpose. And if you don't think other people won't or can't notice "bitter" when they are exposed to it---you would be dead wrong. We all know when we are in the presence of someone who has "issues" in this regard. Bitter people are not unlike personality disordered people in that they typically have inappropriate over-reactions to otherwise benign events...while having inappropriate under-reactions to authentically and imminently harmful events. I am reminded of the school administrator who told a teacher friend of mine years ago how it wasn't "any big deal" when a third grader brought a real gun to school in his backpack one day. "Well, it's just an old broke down gun anyway.." stated the administrator. Really?! Yes, really! That would be an example of an under-reaction to an authentically and imminently harmful event. Clearly, this administrator understood "bitter" real well on top of whatever else she had going on psychologically and emotionally speaking. Bitterness distorts reality enough that it's no big leap to believe one's own opinion is the only one that matters in all circumstances and situations at all times.
How do we break the bitter habit and transform ourselves into better people? First, we have to pay more attention to our own life story and how we ourselves roll while living it out. Who are your true and close "friends" in this life? If you can't think of anybody, that's an issue.
In case you forgot, bitter people really don't have many or any friends, just sayin'. Why and how could they? Being bitter from the inside out hardly places anyone in the Friendship Hall of Fame within any universe I know of! Can you comfortably give without expectations attached? Can you be reciprocal in honestly exchanging information and care with others on a regular enough basis? (Which translates to "Are you capable of authentic emotional intimacy with another human being---or not?) Can you be more positive than negative with your "own" attitude in general? Can you speak the truth in love without being offensive yourself when you are offended? If you some or all of these things difficult, then you may just be struggling with a bitter heart and spirit, which is problematic (to you!)---and to your future!
Being bitter is like the old saying "Guilty until proven innocent!" Just look at the state of our country right now. Do you not notice any of the toxic bitterness surrounding us each and every day? I know I do! As the singer Jewel has said, "only kindness matters". No sh**. Kindness...and truth together. When we can be kind and truthful, we'll be good. When we can't, then we got issues.
Until next post...
After the initial sting of disappointment, after the anger which can follow when subsequent expectations are not met, and after the resentment that can follow when our anger hardens into chunks we can no longer manage---comes the bitterness.
When we are bitter, we are pretty much done with whomever it is who we feel has seriously and significantly and repeatedly betrayed our trust. Whatever the behavior is that we have been offended by...we are emotionally past it. We are instead focused on the person him or herself who has disappointed/angered/enraged us way too often. "He did that on purpose just to pi** me off!" "She KNOWS I don't like XXXXX..." "How could they when they KNOW I can't..."
Bitter is not better. After bitter, we may choose to hop onto that Island of Invulnerability where we write off the person for good. We are done. We are through. No more relationship with him, her, or them.
Being and becoming bitter is not unlike going to the doctor for an annual physical and then being suddenly surprised by the news that we have pneumonia and meningitis. We aren't that insightful when it comes to our own personal level of bitterness that's been festering within us for however long. We really do believe we are "all good" on the inside until that other person's name comes up---if and when it comes up. Then we go on blast. That "blast" moment may be completely self contained. No one else would see or know that we are upset at the mere mention of so-and-so's name; but we know. Or...we could be very verbal about whomever it is from our past that we remain bitter about. "Don't ever bring up his name again!" (Or whatever else we might say when his or her name is mentioned to us...) Now imagine when that "bitter" multiplies. We aren't just bitter about our "ex"; we are bitter towards a whole lot of other people too. Yes, bitter can be like that. We feel we are good in spite of the pain and hurt we have suffered, but are we really?
What bitter people don't realize is that bitterness doesn't come all at once. It comes in small and measured dosages over the course of time. We are disappointed by what this person did...and then we are disappointed by what that person did...and then we are disappointed by what "they" did (whomever "they" are!)...and before we know it, we really do have an attitude towards people---or "that" type of people---in general. We are more closed than open. We are more guarded than vulnerable. We are more fearful than curious. We are more a pain in the a$$ than we are FUN! Unless we do alcohol and/or drugs; then we think we are a lot of fun. That would be a lie and a self-delusion in action, by the way. Nobody is truly fun or charming or great company when they are wasted. They are just less inhibited and whatever "bitter" is in them...believe me, it WILL come out before the day or evening or weekend is over. Don't kid yourself.
Yep, it's like that. A bitter attitude serves no useful purpose. And if you don't think other people won't or can't notice "bitter" when they are exposed to it---you would be dead wrong. We all know when we are in the presence of someone who has "issues" in this regard. Bitter people are not unlike personality disordered people in that they typically have inappropriate over-reactions to otherwise benign events...while having inappropriate under-reactions to authentically and imminently harmful events. I am reminded of the school administrator who told a teacher friend of mine years ago how it wasn't "any big deal" when a third grader brought a real gun to school in his backpack one day. "Well, it's just an old broke down gun anyway.." stated the administrator. Really?! Yes, really! That would be an example of an under-reaction to an authentically and imminently harmful event. Clearly, this administrator understood "bitter" real well on top of whatever else she had going on psychologically and emotionally speaking. Bitterness distorts reality enough that it's no big leap to believe one's own opinion is the only one that matters in all circumstances and situations at all times.
How do we break the bitter habit and transform ourselves into better people? First, we have to pay more attention to our own life story and how we ourselves roll while living it out. Who are your true and close "friends" in this life? If you can't think of anybody, that's an issue.
In case you forgot, bitter people really don't have many or any friends, just sayin'. Why and how could they? Being bitter from the inside out hardly places anyone in the Friendship Hall of Fame within any universe I know of! Can you comfortably give without expectations attached? Can you be reciprocal in honestly exchanging information and care with others on a regular enough basis? (Which translates to "Are you capable of authentic emotional intimacy with another human being---or not?) Can you be more positive than negative with your "own" attitude in general? Can you speak the truth in love without being offensive yourself when you are offended? If you some or all of these things difficult, then you may just be struggling with a bitter heart and spirit, which is problematic (to you!)---and to your future!
Being bitter is like the old saying "Guilty until proven innocent!" Just look at the state of our country right now. Do you not notice any of the toxic bitterness surrounding us each and every day? I know I do! As the singer Jewel has said, "only kindness matters". No sh**. Kindness...and truth together. When we can be kind and truthful, we'll be good. When we can't, then we got issues.
Until next post...