Bullies are in every family, no one is spared. It might be your grandfather...it might be your grandmother. Might even be your mother---or your mother's boyfriend. In many instances, it is one or more of your siblings. Things can of course get complicated when there isn't just one...but multiple bullies...who are operating out of the same family. Ultimately, to know who our family bully is...or are....is extremely important so we do not allow him/her/them to run and potentially ruin our lives with their incessant attempts at control and manipulation. When we are oblivious to who we are dealing with, it is too easy to literally feel "icky" after any given encounter without understanding why that is! When we get icky from our family bully encounters often enough, we get used to it. We become comfortable with it. We change for the worse, instead of for the better. We become blind to what constitutes bullying behavior. We may ourselves evolve into a bigger bully than the one(s) we got used to growing up...or being married to...or having as a best friend or sibling. When that occurs, we are truly delusional, because we believe we are a much better person than we actually are in our own close personal relationships.
Just the other night, I was discussing this issue with a client who was sharing how his family bully had to be in the center of every single relationship within my client's family of origin. "It's like he is worried if he doesn't "know" who is talking to who---then they might be talking about him..." he stated. Yep, it can be like that. The bully who functions in our family systems as the main switchboard operator who has to know who said what to who, and when, and wait a minute why are you two even talking without me present among you in the first place?! With my client, struggling with feelings of toxic guilt was a huge issue because of the relational style his bully pursued with my client throughout his life. "If I didn't do what he wanted, I was a terrible person. I was selfish. I was stupid..." This isn't rocket science readers. A family bully will say and do whatever works in order to get his or her needs satisfied on demand, while chopping up whomever disagrees with them into little pieces verbally and psychologically speaking.
In this regard, the family bully is that person who wants to ensure that nobody is closer to anyone else EXCEPT to the bully him or herself. Which, when you think about it, sounds beyond nutty----but it goes on all the time in so many families! Nobody really talks to anybody else or sees anybody else, unless the bully is there. Unless the bully sanctions the contact, it won't be happening. Getting back to my client, he was shocked to find out during an unexpected encounter with his aunt, that much of what his bully had told him about the "family history" was confabulation. (Which means the bully made up the stories to make the bully look good!) Well why wouldn't the family bully do that? It makes sense, doesn't it?
Sure enough, in my client's case, when the family bully found out that he and his aunt "talked" without the bully's knowledge...the bully immediately asked my client "What did you talk about?" Really?! Spare me! But that's how family bullies roll when they feel they have lost control. Just saying. As it turned out, my client found out from his aunt that his family bully, contrary to popular lore within the family, was not always the fine upstanding lily white defender of all things good, right, and beautiful. Instead, the family bully was a drunken louse who had been historically involved in several shady business dealings both inside and outside of the family. You know, kind of like how the kids of Tony Soprano were given that Kool-Aid to drink as they were growing up ;-) No wonder bullies don't want any "truth" coming out---ever! It blows their carefully constructed "version" of who they authentically are! Bullies thrive on keeping their secrets secret. Of course they do. No reason to be such a bully without a crap ton of secrets to maintain now is there?!
Nobody is perfect. We all understand that. Yet we must learn to stop being afraid of our family bully (or bullies!) while continuing to walk on eggshells around them. I explain to clients that we have to learn how to let our family bully's words basically go "in one ear and out the other" without us swallowing whole what they say AS IF it's true. Then we are in the position to use our own wit and humor to respond to them, in those moments, to confront them when offended. I can remember a time when one of my own family bullies chastised me for coming over without wearing any makeup (yes, it can be like that too!) as soon as she saw me enter her home. I responded by saying "Well, if you could just straighten up a bit for my sake when I come over like this, I'd be happier too!" (She was bent over like a pretzel generally speaking...) No, I wasn't being mean...I was reminding her of how her opinion wasn't the only one that mattered at any given time and in any given room we shared space in! Keep in mind that if someone says something to you that is an attempt at robbing you of your joy in that moment...they are bullying you! Nobody has the right to make you feel bad about yourself in order to make them feel better about themselves! That is bullying at its simplest level.
As such, identifying your family bully and moving past the ways in which you "respond" to them without getting that "ick" all over yourself (like green slime!) after every encounter...will be good for you. Then you will know for sure how sticks and stones may break your bones...but the words of your family bully will truly never hurt you---anymore that is!
Of course, you could always contact someone like myself for help with this issue too ;-)
Until next post....
Just the other night, I was discussing this issue with a client who was sharing how his family bully had to be in the center of every single relationship within my client's family of origin. "It's like he is worried if he doesn't "know" who is talking to who---then they might be talking about him..." he stated. Yep, it can be like that. The bully who functions in our family systems as the main switchboard operator who has to know who said what to who, and when, and wait a minute why are you two even talking without me present among you in the first place?! With my client, struggling with feelings of toxic guilt was a huge issue because of the relational style his bully pursued with my client throughout his life. "If I didn't do what he wanted, I was a terrible person. I was selfish. I was stupid..." This isn't rocket science readers. A family bully will say and do whatever works in order to get his or her needs satisfied on demand, while chopping up whomever disagrees with them into little pieces verbally and psychologically speaking.
In this regard, the family bully is that person who wants to ensure that nobody is closer to anyone else EXCEPT to the bully him or herself. Which, when you think about it, sounds beyond nutty----but it goes on all the time in so many families! Nobody really talks to anybody else or sees anybody else, unless the bully is there. Unless the bully sanctions the contact, it won't be happening. Getting back to my client, he was shocked to find out during an unexpected encounter with his aunt, that much of what his bully had told him about the "family history" was confabulation. (Which means the bully made up the stories to make the bully look good!) Well why wouldn't the family bully do that? It makes sense, doesn't it?
Sure enough, in my client's case, when the family bully found out that he and his aunt "talked" without the bully's knowledge...the bully immediately asked my client "What did you talk about?" Really?! Spare me! But that's how family bullies roll when they feel they have lost control. Just saying. As it turned out, my client found out from his aunt that his family bully, contrary to popular lore within the family, was not always the fine upstanding lily white defender of all things good, right, and beautiful. Instead, the family bully was a drunken louse who had been historically involved in several shady business dealings both inside and outside of the family. You know, kind of like how the kids of Tony Soprano were given that Kool-Aid to drink as they were growing up ;-) No wonder bullies don't want any "truth" coming out---ever! It blows their carefully constructed "version" of who they authentically are! Bullies thrive on keeping their secrets secret. Of course they do. No reason to be such a bully without a crap ton of secrets to maintain now is there?!
Nobody is perfect. We all understand that. Yet we must learn to stop being afraid of our family bully (or bullies!) while continuing to walk on eggshells around them. I explain to clients that we have to learn how to let our family bully's words basically go "in one ear and out the other" without us swallowing whole what they say AS IF it's true. Then we are in the position to use our own wit and humor to respond to them, in those moments, to confront them when offended. I can remember a time when one of my own family bullies chastised me for coming over without wearing any makeup (yes, it can be like that too!) as soon as she saw me enter her home. I responded by saying "Well, if you could just straighten up a bit for my sake when I come over like this, I'd be happier too!" (She was bent over like a pretzel generally speaking...) No, I wasn't being mean...I was reminding her of how her opinion wasn't the only one that mattered at any given time and in any given room we shared space in! Keep in mind that if someone says something to you that is an attempt at robbing you of your joy in that moment...they are bullying you! Nobody has the right to make you feel bad about yourself in order to make them feel better about themselves! That is bullying at its simplest level.
As such, identifying your family bully and moving past the ways in which you "respond" to them without getting that "ick" all over yourself (like green slime!) after every encounter...will be good for you. Then you will know for sure how sticks and stones may break your bones...but the words of your family bully will truly never hurt you---anymore that is!
Of course, you could always contact someone like myself for help with this issue too ;-)
Until next post....