People who struggle with effective communication are, let's face it, crappy communicators. Without referencing all the "expert" labels and classifications, I'd like to describe for you in today's post what crappy communicators looks like these days....
1. Can't Talk Now...Would Rather Text!
I don't know exactly when it happened, but it did. There are a whole army of individuals who, rather than interacting face to face, do the majority of their communication via text. I view this practice as the Morse Code Method of communication. Instead of sharing complete thoughts, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, and opinions with one another...we send and receive a bunch of "dot dot...dash...dot dash...dash dot" abbreviated versions of them. How this is supposed to create and maintain any sort of mutual and deep-enough understanding at a soul level is beyond me. Instead, texting as a major means of communication is most like operating a ham radio or walkie talkie...without the voices attached. "No.." "Duh.." "Pfft" "Dunno" "Idk" What?! Listen, if there are individuals you'd rather not talk to at all...just start texting them instead of talking to them and you WILL eventually fade to black in one another's lives. Texting over talking is like dressing up to go somewhere, but never leaving your house...
2. Can't Listen Now...Would Rather Brag!
This one personally drives me batty. Don't you love meeting up with someone for breakfast or lunch..and as soon as they see you, they start bragging at you? If it is that difficult to come up with original thoughts to initiate a conversation, how about waiting until the other person you are with initiates conversation with you? I mean I know you must be completely smitten by the fact that your grandson can spell his cat's name now that he's in Kindergarten---but can you wait at least a few minutes before you upchuck this factoid from your extended family's life? Bragging is an obvious sign of personal insecurity, whether you believe that or not, it is. I was just speaking to someone the other day who is closely connected to a former lottery winner. This person mentioned the fact that if the "winner" had kept his mouth shut about his winnings, perhaps he wouldn't have lost everything he won within a few years' time. Yep, it can be like that. We brag until we brag ourselves right into the pit; however, we don't realize it until the mud starts stinging our eyeballs. Eeek!
3. Can't Emote Now...Would Rather Change the Subject!
These are the people who want to keep everything light enough, superficial enough, positive enough, and/or self-focused enough so they maintain their OWN level of equilibrium. I had an aunt and uncle like this as I was growing up. Their mutual motto was this: "Don't call us...we'll call you."...and of course they never called. Yes, people can be like this. I learned over the course of my life that if I was going to spend any time with them, I had to focus on what they wanted to talk about...I had to focus on how deep they were willing to go (or not!) on any topic of their choosing...and I had to keep my mouth shut about "me" or all bets were off and our visiting time was o-v-e-r. There are of course variations on this same theme, but the bigger point remains the same. These folks do not want to feel or become in any way v-u-l-n-e-r-a-b-l-e at an emotional and/or spiritual level...so don't be rockin' their boat(s) by talking about anything they would rather not talk about---ever! :-P
4. Can't Emotionally Regulate....Would Rather Argue!
This is the polar opposite reality than that mentioned in point #3 above. These people could start an argument over the beverage you select at dinner. "Why are you drinking water?! Are you on some stupid "cleanse" now?" No, I am not kidding! People who have difficulty regulating their own emotions are the proverbial loose cannons among us. Anything can set them off, but nobody knows what that is or when it is going to happen. As such, who wants to be around this sort of person, let alone engage in any meaningful enough communications with him or her? That would be no one, unless of course we are talking about another prosecuting attorney wanna-be! This type of communicator only knows how to bully, to steamroll, to judge, and to inflame. This isn't the stuff of meaningful and "deep" conversation; it is the stuff of abuse and the abusers who transmit it onto others.
5. Can't Think Now...Would Rather Be Somewhere Else!
This is the one terrible reality for those of us who fear a great deal, find people and relationships in general as "too much work", and would rather be alone...or high...or drunk...or doing something else (anything else!) that feels "better" to us. Not a good plan for living generally speaking. Back in the day, the Temptations performed a song entitled "Ball of Confusion"; that's what this type of communication-related issue feels like: one big giant ball of confusion all day and every day. Chronic anxiety can definitely play a major role in this type of reality; when we are feeling overwhelmed, confused, nervous, tense, easily rattled...how are we going to effectively communicate with anybody about anything? It will just be too $*)@ hard! So...for those who struggle with this particular issue, guess what? Help from a trained professional (psychotherapist) is just a phone call away!
Crappy communications and the communicators behind them are everywhere. Without recognizing what we have made habitual in our own communication style, we remain ignorant to ourselves. If you have already felt the pinch of feeling disconnected from others, perhaps this is something you need to look at more closely. How do you roll when it comes to your own communication-based preferences? What do you need to work on changing and/or improving upon? When do you need to do something about this instead of nothing at all?
Until next post...