One of the reasons why so many of us dread the holiday season is because we hate having to "play the game" of everything's just fine and peachy within our family system---when we know it's not. Yeah well, welcome to the real world. Nobody's family is perfect enough...and neither are we. We have all fallen and fall short of any sort of "ideal"; perhaps this is the year you can extend some much-needed grace to yourself and practice kindness from the inside out!
And what does THAT mean?
When I first got into therapy in my early 30's...all I knew was that I was fast to heat up---and slow to cool down. I rarely started drama, but I sure knew how to finish it. I find that somewhat hilarious to think about now, because where did most of my perceived "drama" originate? Inside my own head of course! As such, if you rolled your eyes at me back then, "you" started the drama with me in that moment! Perhaps you were merely checking to see if there was a brain up inside there...how did I know? (LOL!) In other words, if you looked at me funny...if you ignored me when I expected you not to...if you said something and I took it personally...the DRAMA WAS ON!
Do you do this? Are you that person who is constantly checking to see if you are being "disrespected" in some way or another? Hey...don't balk. I was ready to cross the street in NYC this past weekend, and some random young guy nearly knocked me down running in front of me at the light. Being in New York, the "old" me came out instantly when I screamed at him "Hey (()$&)*#)@! )$*))@_ YOU!" He raised his hands at me and yelled "Sorry lady!" Okay then. Still fast to heat up, but at least the "drama" that was started in that moment was legit and NOT just coming from inside my own head! :-P
We don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves as a general rule. We do really look for ways or excuses to harshly judge or falsely accuse someone else if we (many times unconsciously!) develop an "attitude" towards them. Sisters, parents, cousins, grandpa---whatever member(s) of our family are always excellent targets in this regard. You know the saying, "No wonder your family knows which buttons to push...you put them there!" So true. We did put them there. We wait without even realizing we are waiting to jump down the throats of those in our family who say or don't say...do or don't do..the "right" thing we expected and wanted in any given moment. Spare me. Who's judging and accusing who at these times really? When people can't even blink their eyeball without it instantly being interpreted as "disrespect"...it's time to get your own rear end into a therapist's office and stat!
This "habit" I am speaking of here in today's post is so very common...yet few are willing to discuss it openly. And the key to turning that behavioral pattern around IS to practice more kindness and gentleness towards yourself on a daily basis! I mean if you are doing things to yourself that are more harmful than helpful---how do you expect to think, feel, or be gracious towards anybody else? You just can't and won't be able to do it!
And oh, by the way, drinking yourself stupid or screwing around doing anything else but your real life work for today---these are not "helpful" strategies to demonstrate positive self-care. Just sayin'.
If you need help and/or clarity on this issue, go to the library and peruse the books that jump out at you on this topic. Consider a self-help group in your community (anything to do with codependency is a great place to start!). Ask friends for the names and numbers of good enough local psychotherapists. Do something. Repeating what you are doing now will get you nowhere new...nor will it help you to live in peace, rather than in pieces.
Hope begins with doing the right thing for you...that is truly right...for you!
Until next post...
And what does THAT mean?
When I first got into therapy in my early 30's...all I knew was that I was fast to heat up---and slow to cool down. I rarely started drama, but I sure knew how to finish it. I find that somewhat hilarious to think about now, because where did most of my perceived "drama" originate? Inside my own head of course! As such, if you rolled your eyes at me back then, "you" started the drama with me in that moment! Perhaps you were merely checking to see if there was a brain up inside there...how did I know? (LOL!) In other words, if you looked at me funny...if you ignored me when I expected you not to...if you said something and I took it personally...the DRAMA WAS ON!
Do you do this? Are you that person who is constantly checking to see if you are being "disrespected" in some way or another? Hey...don't balk. I was ready to cross the street in NYC this past weekend, and some random young guy nearly knocked me down running in front of me at the light. Being in New York, the "old" me came out instantly when I screamed at him "Hey (()$&)*#)@! )$*))@_ YOU!" He raised his hands at me and yelled "Sorry lady!" Okay then. Still fast to heat up, but at least the "drama" that was started in that moment was legit and NOT just coming from inside my own head! :-P
We don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves as a general rule. We do really look for ways or excuses to harshly judge or falsely accuse someone else if we (many times unconsciously!) develop an "attitude" towards them. Sisters, parents, cousins, grandpa---whatever member(s) of our family are always excellent targets in this regard. You know the saying, "No wonder your family knows which buttons to push...you put them there!" So true. We did put them there. We wait without even realizing we are waiting to jump down the throats of those in our family who say or don't say...do or don't do..the "right" thing we expected and wanted in any given moment. Spare me. Who's judging and accusing who at these times really? When people can't even blink their eyeball without it instantly being interpreted as "disrespect"...it's time to get your own rear end into a therapist's office and stat!
This "habit" I am speaking of here in today's post is so very common...yet few are willing to discuss it openly. And the key to turning that behavioral pattern around IS to practice more kindness and gentleness towards yourself on a daily basis! I mean if you are doing things to yourself that are more harmful than helpful---how do you expect to think, feel, or be gracious towards anybody else? You just can't and won't be able to do it!
And oh, by the way, drinking yourself stupid or screwing around doing anything else but your real life work for today---these are not "helpful" strategies to demonstrate positive self-care. Just sayin'.
If you need help and/or clarity on this issue, go to the library and peruse the books that jump out at you on this topic. Consider a self-help group in your community (anything to do with codependency is a great place to start!). Ask friends for the names and numbers of good enough local psychotherapists. Do something. Repeating what you are doing now will get you nowhere new...nor will it help you to live in peace, rather than in pieces.
Hope begins with doing the right thing for you...that is truly right...for you!
Until next post...