We live in confusing times. We always have. We look for heroes and she-roes in all the right---and in all the wrong places. We make molehills out of legitimate mountains, while we make mountains out of legitimate molehills. We don't know what we want, but we know when we didn't get it---or get it fast enough. We presume others who "know" us should be able to read our minds. We say or do something that legitimately hurts someone else, and then we deny the consequences of our own actions. We are a hot mess. We just are. Why are we a hot mess? Because we allow these confusing times to dominate our thinking, our feeling, and our behaving. If ever there was a time to stop and THINK before we act, this is it. Before we end up cracked up.
What does it mean to THINK? It means to ask ourselves "T" is it True? "H" is it Helpful? "I" is it Inspiring? "N" is it Necessary? and finally "K" is it Kind? If what you are about to say or do are NOT these things.....then you should perhaps STOP! again and THINK! again before you take action.
I am not suggesting that you keep your mouth shut and avoid telling the truth when necessary (the "N" of THINK, by the way!). Yet what we forget is how the truth can be presented in such a way so that it TRULY is "H" helpful, "I" inspiring, and "K" kind. Did you not know this already? The truth, in fact, does NOT have to be presented with anger, rage, contempt, and/or harsh judgment attached. The people who perpetrate evil already know what they are doing that is wrong; they are used to it! I don't have to raise my own blood pressure so as to present what they are doing wrong (once again!) to them. This is probably the one very bad habit we can all so easily fall into; we get ourselves all worked up over someone else's sinful/evil/straight up harmful behavior AS IF they don't know what they are doing! They know! Believe me, they already know!
What people don't necessarily understand is why they are so jacked up in their own thinking, feeling, and behavior patterns. Everyone has a story inside them. That story isn't always a good one. Unprovoked abuse and/or neglect is a part of everyone's story; the only differences are for how long it went on and with "which" people from our history. And when we don't want to learn the lessons from our past, we are doomed to repeat what we experienced and/or witnessed growing up without any clues attached. We remain confused and confusing both to ourselves, and to other people.
In my case, it started from the beginning. I was wanted by my father, but unwanted by my mother. She was herself a childhood abuse survivor and was capital "C" clueless about how to care for a nurture an infant child. I'm sorry that was her situation, but it sure didn't do me any favors. One of the stories she repeatedly told me growing up was how, when I was an infant, I was lying on the carpet in the living room while she and my father were having a big argument. "I threw the phone book at him...and it missed hitting you by this much!" she would say as she gestured with her fingers being only about 1/2" apart. Okay then. Why she kept repeating this story to me as I was growing up; I had no idea!
Flash forward to 50 years later; I'm about to have a nose job. My surgeon (God bless him!) took X-rays of my face in preparation for the surgery. After he reviews them with me, he asks me, "What happened to you as a baby?" He went on to explain that I had a very old fracture, going right across the area between my eyes and just above the bridge of my nose, that was "probably from your infancy". Bingo! It all made sense. The phone book didn't miss me as my mother had claimed. And here I wondered for all my life growing up why I had so much trouble breathing in the general sense. Of course my mother attempted to re-write my narrative 10,000 times while she was alive; ultimately, she was a very sick and herself wounded human being who had no ability to heal, change, and grow spiritually as I had always hoped and prayed for.
Darrell Hammond, the SNL alumni known for his impression of Bill Clinton, is currently featured in Netflix documentary entitled "Cracked Up". It's phenomenal. He could be my brother from another mother based on what he went through during his childhood down in FL. The stories within him didn't come out until he finally found the right psychiatrist at the right inpatient facility who truly listened to him and genuinely cared about his recovery. As his psychiatrist intimated, it wasn't mental illness that caused Hammond's issues with substance abuse, mood swings, difficult relationships, and self-harm since childhood....it was what happened back there. As Hammond presents in Cracked Up, there is always hope on the other side of the void; there is always hope for the brave who venture to find it.
Hammond also authored a book "God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked". It was written years ago, but obviously inspired the creation of Cracked Up. If ever you wanted to understand how a person can go from a childhood filled with abuse, self-blame,and self-destructive behaviors...to one filled with clarity, recovery, and healing---this is the documentary to watch sooner than later. There is no shame from being born in Hell; there is, however, when you choose not to leave it and repeat the worst of what you learned there....
Until next post....
What does it mean to THINK? It means to ask ourselves "T" is it True? "H" is it Helpful? "I" is it Inspiring? "N" is it Necessary? and finally "K" is it Kind? If what you are about to say or do are NOT these things.....then you should perhaps STOP! again and THINK! again before you take action.
I am not suggesting that you keep your mouth shut and avoid telling the truth when necessary (the "N" of THINK, by the way!). Yet what we forget is how the truth can be presented in such a way so that it TRULY is "H" helpful, "I" inspiring, and "K" kind. Did you not know this already? The truth, in fact, does NOT have to be presented with anger, rage, contempt, and/or harsh judgment attached. The people who perpetrate evil already know what they are doing that is wrong; they are used to it! I don't have to raise my own blood pressure so as to present what they are doing wrong (once again!) to them. This is probably the one very bad habit we can all so easily fall into; we get ourselves all worked up over someone else's sinful/evil/straight up harmful behavior AS IF they don't know what they are doing! They know! Believe me, they already know!
What people don't necessarily understand is why they are so jacked up in their own thinking, feeling, and behavior patterns. Everyone has a story inside them. That story isn't always a good one. Unprovoked abuse and/or neglect is a part of everyone's story; the only differences are for how long it went on and with "which" people from our history. And when we don't want to learn the lessons from our past, we are doomed to repeat what we experienced and/or witnessed growing up without any clues attached. We remain confused and confusing both to ourselves, and to other people.
In my case, it started from the beginning. I was wanted by my father, but unwanted by my mother. She was herself a childhood abuse survivor and was capital "C" clueless about how to care for a nurture an infant child. I'm sorry that was her situation, but it sure didn't do me any favors. One of the stories she repeatedly told me growing up was how, when I was an infant, I was lying on the carpet in the living room while she and my father were having a big argument. "I threw the phone book at him...and it missed hitting you by this much!" she would say as she gestured with her fingers being only about 1/2" apart. Okay then. Why she kept repeating this story to me as I was growing up; I had no idea!
Flash forward to 50 years later; I'm about to have a nose job. My surgeon (God bless him!) took X-rays of my face in preparation for the surgery. After he reviews them with me, he asks me, "What happened to you as a baby?" He went on to explain that I had a very old fracture, going right across the area between my eyes and just above the bridge of my nose, that was "probably from your infancy". Bingo! It all made sense. The phone book didn't miss me as my mother had claimed. And here I wondered for all my life growing up why I had so much trouble breathing in the general sense. Of course my mother attempted to re-write my narrative 10,000 times while she was alive; ultimately, she was a very sick and herself wounded human being who had no ability to heal, change, and grow spiritually as I had always hoped and prayed for.
Darrell Hammond, the SNL alumni known for his impression of Bill Clinton, is currently featured in Netflix documentary entitled "Cracked Up". It's phenomenal. He could be my brother from another mother based on what he went through during his childhood down in FL. The stories within him didn't come out until he finally found the right psychiatrist at the right inpatient facility who truly listened to him and genuinely cared about his recovery. As his psychiatrist intimated, it wasn't mental illness that caused Hammond's issues with substance abuse, mood swings, difficult relationships, and self-harm since childhood....it was what happened back there. As Hammond presents in Cracked Up, there is always hope on the other side of the void; there is always hope for the brave who venture to find it.
Hammond also authored a book "God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked". It was written years ago, but obviously inspired the creation of Cracked Up. If ever you wanted to understand how a person can go from a childhood filled with abuse, self-blame,and self-destructive behaviors...to one filled with clarity, recovery, and healing---this is the documentary to watch sooner than later. There is no shame from being born in Hell; there is, however, when you choose not to leave it and repeat the worst of what you learned there....
Until next post....