When someone else makes a habit of telling us "who" we are on a regular enough basis, it can be extremely annoying. I mean, does a straight up serial killer have to be told "You're a serial killer!" by his or her parents every single day? No, not really! The serial killer already knows this information and isn't going to stop serial killing because mommy and daddy don't approve. The same could be said of anyone of a nefarious character who does whatever they want when they want because they can...and won't allow anyone else to stop them...or get in their way.
Just the other night there was a program on Dateline about a highly successful couple who were killed in their bed while sleeping by an unknown assailant. As the program unfolded, it became clear that this was a couple who was quite ruthless in their pursuit of the $80M they amassed over the course of their marriage. Ultimately, it wasn't a disgruntled business associate who put the hit out on them; it was one of their own children who murdered them himself.
Several years ago I was involved in a case where a couple who appeared to "have it all" and have it all together---ended in murder. She was convicted of her husband's killing and is now sitting in prison for the rest of her natural life. In this case, the evidence was overwhelmingly against her. Finding out what I did about the both of them, it became clear to me that they were as bad AS each other and TO each other for far too long. When she had enough, she ended it---and made sure she ended it---her OWN way.
This is not the group I am talking about in today's blog post. People of a bad character are generally o.k. with it and how they themselves roll. Their job, if anything, is to gaslight others into compliance if and when it becomes necessary. Like the strip bar mogul who donates big money to his local Catholic parish....or the "loving" grandmother whose preferred method of disciplining her grand kids is by using the wooden spoon wherever it lands.
No, today's post is about understanding why being the object of someone else's attempt at character assassination is actually a high form of compliment---though extremely backhanded and passive aggressive in nature!
Good story: when I weighed nearly 300 lbs., most anyone I "knew" casually through our daughter's "Christian" school was nice enough to my face. I didn't think about what anyone in particular may have "thought" about me; it really didn't matter. I had my close circle of friends and social acquaintances. I truly didn't care if the PTA President's wife "accepted" me or not---let alone any other "mom clique" that was in existence at that time.
When our daughter was about 10 years old, I lost 100 lbs. My genuine friends at the school were thrilled for me knowing how hard I had worked to lose the weight. For those others I saw pretty much every day either coming or going for years....crickets. One day, one of the teachers approached me and mentioned how wonderful I looked. I thanked her and was ready to keep walking when she suddenly said to me, "You didn't have cancer did you?" I couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Where did you get that idea?!" I asked. She then told me that this was the "rumor" going around among some of the moms as to explain my weight loss. Of course it was! Although not an attack on my character per se, I guess it was easier for these moms to rationalize my weight loss as having to do with me having "cancer" than doing the work I did to lose the weight I did!
Now...all these many years later when I again lost 100+ lbs., whaddya think happened AGAIN!? No, the cancer card had already been played; plus, I really did get cancer and had half of my left lung removed in 2015! No, this time around the "rumor" was that I must have "used drugs" or "had surgery" in order to lose the weight I did. Okay then! Needless to say, I now know it is much easier FOR SOME people to attack a person's ability to work hard in order to accomplish any goal---than it is to accept the truth of a situation and be inspired by it!
Character assassination is our attempt at avoiding personal responsibility about our OWN sh** and doing something about solving, resolving, and/or dissolving that sh** in a positive way. When we attack someone else's character, we are basically saying to ourselves (and to them!) "You're no better than me!" "I know better than you do "who" you are exactly!" and....my personal favorite, "Don't show me what you've overcome that I haven't yet!"
LOL
We have to laugh. Imagine how difficult it truly is for the person who spends his or her time just waiting to pounce and attack whomever it is they have targeted in their own mind and in whatever moments! As I have said to clients many times over the years, "Do you think your parents or your best friend or your sister is going to be "happy" when you rise up out of that sewer you once inhabited together and escape it for real and for good?!" Heck no they won't! If good things happen, shouldn't it happen to him/her/them "first" and not you? Sorry folks, but this is how too many of us think when we feel like we received the short end of a stick we didn't even notice until we are reminded that we have been holding it all along in our own hands!
Beyond this "stinking thinking" that can infiltrate most any relationship between two people at any time and in any place, we have to also acknowledge how the struggle with one's own personal responsibilities can take us to some very dark places in our lives and relationships. Now we are getting into the realm of the codependent trap lifestyle and how it can create havoc for those who are immersed too deeply in it. It is NOT my job to make sure you have a good enough life when you are NOT doing your own part to create that good enough life...or to make you feel good about yourself on demand! I may offer life coaching to my clients, but I don't do the damn work for them! Everyone has to do their own work in this life! If they don't, that's their problem for real---and not anyone else's!
So the next time you are tempted to assassinate someone else's character, please consider what satisfaction this could possibly give you? To prove....what? To demonstrate....what? To confirm....what? Sorry, but all character assassination confirms is that you, yourself, are NOT doing whatever it is YOU need to do in order to live in peace---and not in pieces.
Until next post....
No, today's post is about understanding why being the object of someone else's attempt at character assassination is actually a high form of compliment---though extremely backhanded and passive aggressive in nature!
Good story: when I weighed nearly 300 lbs., most anyone I "knew" casually through our daughter's "Christian" school was nice enough to my face. I didn't think about what anyone in particular may have "thought" about me; it really didn't matter. I had my close circle of friends and social acquaintances. I truly didn't care if the PTA President's wife "accepted" me or not---let alone any other "mom clique" that was in existence at that time.
When our daughter was about 10 years old, I lost 100 lbs. My genuine friends at the school were thrilled for me knowing how hard I had worked to lose the weight. For those others I saw pretty much every day either coming or going for years....crickets. One day, one of the teachers approached me and mentioned how wonderful I looked. I thanked her and was ready to keep walking when she suddenly said to me, "You didn't have cancer did you?" I couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Where did you get that idea?!" I asked. She then told me that this was the "rumor" going around among some of the moms as to explain my weight loss. Of course it was! Although not an attack on my character per se, I guess it was easier for these moms to rationalize my weight loss as having to do with me having "cancer" than doing the work I did to lose the weight I did!
Now...all these many years later when I again lost 100+ lbs., whaddya think happened AGAIN!? No, the cancer card had already been played; plus, I really did get cancer and had half of my left lung removed in 2015! No, this time around the "rumor" was that I must have "used drugs" or "had surgery" in order to lose the weight I did. Okay then! Needless to say, I now know it is much easier FOR SOME people to attack a person's ability to work hard in order to accomplish any goal---than it is to accept the truth of a situation and be inspired by it!
Character assassination is our attempt at avoiding personal responsibility about our OWN sh** and doing something about solving, resolving, and/or dissolving that sh** in a positive way. When we attack someone else's character, we are basically saying to ourselves (and to them!) "You're no better than me!" "I know better than you do "who" you are exactly!" and....my personal favorite, "Don't show me what you've overcome that I haven't yet!"
LOL
We have to laugh. Imagine how difficult it truly is for the person who spends his or her time just waiting to pounce and attack whomever it is they have targeted in their own mind and in whatever moments! As I have said to clients many times over the years, "Do you think your parents or your best friend or your sister is going to be "happy" when you rise up out of that sewer you once inhabited together and escape it for real and for good?!" Heck no they won't! If good things happen, shouldn't it happen to him/her/them "first" and not you? Sorry folks, but this is how too many of us think when we feel like we received the short end of a stick we didn't even notice until we are reminded that we have been holding it all along in our own hands!
Beyond this "stinking thinking" that can infiltrate most any relationship between two people at any time and in any place, we have to also acknowledge how the struggle with one's own personal responsibilities can take us to some very dark places in our lives and relationships. Now we are getting into the realm of the codependent trap lifestyle and how it can create havoc for those who are immersed too deeply in it. It is NOT my job to make sure you have a good enough life when you are NOT doing your own part to create that good enough life...or to make you feel good about yourself on demand! I may offer life coaching to my clients, but I don't do the damn work for them! Everyone has to do their own work in this life! If they don't, that's their problem for real---and not anyone else's!
So the next time you are tempted to assassinate someone else's character, please consider what satisfaction this could possibly give you? To prove....what? To demonstrate....what? To confirm....what? Sorry, but all character assassination confirms is that you, yourself, are NOT doing whatever it is YOU need to do in order to live in peace---and not in pieces.
Until next post....