Are you a problem sufferer or a problem solver? Sounds like an easy enough question, but if you ever spent more time worrying, agonizing, and/or feeling anxious over a problem not yet solved, resolved, or dissolved---you have engaged in problem suffering.
Problem suffering is easy to do. Why? One of the reasons we problem suffer is because we have no real power or ability to control the outcome of the problem itself whether we realize this fact or not. This would be like turning yourself inside out over someone else's problem with an eating disorder. You don't have the ability to control what goes into anybody else's mouth, and you already know that. Yet so often we can easily forget this fact when the suspected eating disorder in question involves someone like our spouse, adult child, grandchild, or bff. Isn't that the truth? It's like we "know" what we know to be true at one level of consciousness (we don't have any real power over solving anybody else's genuine problem!)...and yet here we go again worrying, agonizing, and feeling anxious over it until we "figure out" the magical solution we believe will fix, save, or rescue our loved one from their problem once and for all.
What we CAN do when someone we love and care about has a problem that directly or indirectly affects us is this: to focus on (1) encouraging our person to "do" his or her work to solve their problem without relying on excuses, other people, or some form of "magic" to solve it for them, (2) inspire our person to meet, read about, listen to, and/or watch others who have or have had the same problem and are doing their own work to solve it day by day, and (3) possibly motivate our person to actually do what it is that needs be done to ovecome their problem on a daily basis. That's it. That's all anyone on the outside of someone else's problem can do that is helpful---and not harmful.
The ways in which we encourage, inspire, and possibly motivate someone we care about to solve their own problem does involve the proper establishment and maintenance of personal boundaries. When we forget where we end and our loved one begins, it feels very overwhelming to both parties involved. If I felt the need to call you every morning to make sure you woke up on time for your job, how is that "encouraging", "inspiring", and "possibly motivating" to the person with the problem? It isn't. It just means I am allowing myself to function as your personal alarm clock, which makes me feel better about myself (at least for a time!) more than anything else. You certainly won't be encouraged or inspired or motivated to solve your lateness issue by relying on me to wake you up every morning! You'll merely become comfortable with the process. That isn't good. That is codependency. That is me enabling you to remain stuck in your problem. That is me feeling a sense of power and control over solving your problem "for" you by reducing myself down to a human buzzer to wake you up every morning. Spare me!
When we establish personal boundaries, it means that we don't jump to "friendly offer" the fix, the save, or the rescue to anybody else as a general rule. If someone asks for our help about something they struggle with...we offer EMOTIONAL SUPPORT which, once again, comes in the form of encouragement, inspiration, and POSSIBLE MOTIVATION. Yes, of course we can offer possible solutions, but it is still up to the other person with the problem to pursue their solution of choice. Not you, not me, not anybody else.
If you are a serial cheater as boyfriend or girlfriend of someone you claim you love and would never purposefully hurt....is it then your partner's responsibility to manage your life together so you will not be tempted to cheat? OMG just STOP if you believe this bucket of bologna! I have seen so many men and women who have bent over backwards to try and "cure" their partner's cheating lifestyle to the cost of their own health, career, child(ren), finances, and other important relationships. It is truly sickening when we allow ourselves to problem suffer to the point of losing our dignity, integrity, and all that we considered sacred---over someone with a problem he or she had no REAL desire or interest in solving for themselves---ever!
Problem suffering is a chosen lifestyle. Maybe you learned it from your mother---or your father---or your grandparents---or your sibling(s). Who knows? Yet we do often repeat what we learned from our past that we are not acknowledging or facing "now" in our present life. When we become more comfortable with avoiding our real life and right now problems by recycling them like dirty laundry, the fact is they don't every come out "clean" just because we keep recyling them over time.
All problems that are happening now, and in our real lives, are meant to be solved, resolved, or dissolved. That's it. Problems were not designed to hang around and cause us ongoing suffering. When we suffer over any problem we do or do not have ourselves, that's our own fault---and our own choice.
Next post, when we problem suffer over a problem we DO have the power and ability to solve on our own...because it IS our "own" problem and not anyone else's!