Do you ever think about why some people love to pick fights, start drama, and/or use their own words to confuse rather than to understand? Haven't you ever thought about this before? You should. We all should. In fact, there are MANY of us (way too many if you ask me!) who are as addicted to drama, crisis, and chaos...as we may be similarly addicted to self-harm, shopping too much, or an eating disorder. No kidding. Today's blog post is all about this version of "VEAPs" living among us (Verbally and Emotionally Abusive Predators!) and how to appropriately manage them for your OWN peace of mind! ;-)
The first noble truth about this variety of predator is that ANXIETY pretty much runs their show day in and day out. If you don't believe me, stop to think about this. Why would anyone be so fixated on having things go their own way UNLESS they were highly (and I do mean HIGHLY!) anxious about controlling outcomes? One of the things we know about chronically anxious people is that they require as close to "100% certainty" regarding outcomes that matter to them. Translated that means they have to have someone or something turn out the way they want it to turn out, even when this means starting an argument with someone just because they can....twisting up reality in order to manipulate and control it in the mind of their "target" person...using their own words and actions to confuse, distract, and deflect any pointed questions they have been asked...and/or saying or doing whatever ELSE it takes to "win" the desired outcome they seek.
Sometimes what a VEAP wants is just to extend the amount of time allowing them to keep doing what they do...without much (or any!) negative consequences attached! Like continuing to cheat on their partners...or cheat their employer...or remain unemployed...or stay a drug addict or alcoholic...etc. etc. This is not rocket science people! If I want to be an under-responsible person in certain areas of my life, I can certainly figure out how to keep that train a running by manipulating the heck out of those who will give me what I want so I don't have to change! Doh!
Even though this may not make any logical sense to the rest of us, verbal and emotional abuse as a lifestyle DOES serve several purposes for the VEAPs and their chosen targets. As one VEAP said to me just the other day while in session, "Why should I tell my wife that I manipulate the hell out of her to get what I want? She does it too, but just not to me. She knows better than that." Wow. Thankfully this couple doesn't have any kids, otherwise that type of relational modeling is guaranteed to be carried down and through by their future generation(s) of family. Ugh!
People who engage in verbal and emotional abuse as a lifestyle may be extremely aware of what they do (like the person I just referenced above)..OR they can be somewhat clueless as to how "offensive" they are. Why clueless? Unfortunately for many of us, we really "do" believe at our core that most everyone who is human is like this also...so what's to judge negatively about it?
This is like saying it's o.k. to crap all over someone's living room floor because you are about to explode and you don't know where the nearest restroom is. You know, kind of like the homeless who are crapping up the streets of San Francisco and Portland these days. When you gotta go, just pull those pants down and go! Who cares where you crap, so long as you feel good afterwards...that's all that matters.
Anybody who feels comfortable utilizing verbal and emotional/psychological abuse on another human being IS the crap---as well as the crapper. Unfortunately for the receipients of such abuse, we tend to forget that we DO have our own voice---and it is o.k. to use it in a timely manner to set and maintain our own boundaries.
Examples: (VEAP) "Come on, you complain all the time about us not having fun together. We can just hop on a plane tonight and go to Vegas for the weekend. What's the harm in that?" (Partner) "You have both a drinking and a gambling problem. Am I supposed to conveniently forget these facts now because you want to reframe them as a "fun" way for us to spend the weekend together?"
Yep, use your voice in a timely manner....or you will learn to lose it.
VEAPs are not dumb. They are masters and mistresses of schmoozing....cajoling...persuading...and charming their way into having their way. Often, two VEAPs will get together in a romantic partnership...which, when it implodes or explodes---watch out! Consider reading up on the "Black Swan" murder case, soon to appear on an upcoming episode of 48 Hrs. Although VEAPs like to believe "That would never happen to me!", there are thousands upon thousands of people in this country whereby it "did" happen to them. Things ended beyond badly. Someone ended up dead. Someone else ended up in prison. Hey---when you mix VEAP-dom status with drugs and alcohol, let alone mental illness inappropriately diagnosed and/or treated---what the hell else do you expect? A ring around the rosey? Puleeze!
Using your own voice to create and maintain appropriate boundaries with anyone is the key to treating yourself with equality, respect, and pursing only honest exchanges of information...and care. When someone else violates those foundational keys to effective communication and acquired "into-me-you-see" emotional intimacy...you will be more easily and comfortably able to remove yourself from the drama, crisis, and chaos when he/she/they come banging at your door. Next time, I will present some of the key skills necessary to reclaim your emotional well-being back before it was highjacked by the VEAP in your own life....
Until next post....