Every holiday season, we see an uptick in the number of incoming client calls as licensed psychotherapists. It is not unusual, because anticipating the "holidaze" season can be extremely stressful and/or anxiety provoking for us. As one example, all children are like sponges; they feel the tension that is present within their home or someone else's when it's there. Children also know when they are genuinely being paid full attention to---or not. Talking at our kids is not the same as having a conversation with our kids. When we ignore our kids by not hearing or understanding them--and then responding to them accordingly, why do we wonder when they either shut down completely or go postal on us during the months of November and December? Kids are not dumb. They may have already figured out that going over to "grandma's" for Thanksgiving is NOT going to be something they actually look forward to for all the reasons they already know and have previously experienced!
Things get complicated (as we continue to age!) when we have members within our own immediate and/or extended family system who are of HSP status (Highly Sensitive Person). I've blogged about this topic in past posts. Being an HSP means that we process incoming information more deeply than the average person; we are more easily overwhelmed by external forces (noise, lighting, fit and feel of clothing being worn, food being served, number of people around, etc.). HSP's can also "read" the mood of any room they enter quite instantly without understanding why that is so, while at the same time possessing tremendous empathy and compassion for people in the general sense.
Needless to say, being an HSP child, teen, or adult can often feel like anticipating a walk into heaven...or hell....as the holiday season approaches. HSPs want to "be there" for everyone and have a lovely time, but they also know how much personal effort may be involved on a moment-by-moment basis to remain emotionally regulated. It doesn't help matters when the HSPs among us have family members who are anything but sensitive to others as a general rule, let alone utterly oblivious to the concepts of human empathy and compassion when gathered together with their own family! A perfect example is the HSP who has dietary restrictions (no dairy, gluten, or nut products)...yet sees nothing on the holiday table that he or she can safely eat! How would that make YOU feel? Just asking!
Without continuing to go all psycho-babble on you, how about if I suggest some simple tips to experience more of the best of one's own upcoming holiday season without turning oneself inside out and/or falling into the "fight" "flight" "freeze" or "fawn" mode as we interact with others?! O.K.! So, here we go:
1. Listen twice and much as you speak. We were all created with two ears and one mouth. There's a logic associated with that fact. When you listen, you pay more attention and better understand who it is you are listening to! I have actually had clients say to me things like "I didn't realize my grandfather was such a misogynist until I started paying attention to his "jokes" he told around the holiday dinner table!" "My one uncle was telling me about my great-grandpa's invention, that I didn't even know he invented! It was an amazing story!" "I knew my mother always had a glass of something in her hand at Christmas, but I never really listened to her once she started spewing out the insults like it was her jam." "My grandma was telling me about how her brother started this business in Greece after the war and it's still there today if I ever want to go there and see it!" "I am the scapegoat in my family anyway, so the holidays were always about ganging up on me until I blew. Which I did and still do like clockwork." "My 3rd cousin on my dad's side is Jon-friggin'-Bon-Jovi!"
When you listen instead of look for opportunities to blow your own horn 24/7...you may actually learn something you didn't know before! ;-)
2. If someone says or does anything you personally find offensive (from slightly to severely!)...IT IS OK for you to either pull them aside....or calmly say in the moment to them directly in front of everyone else that was there: "I don't understand why you just said/did that. Can you explain the meaning behind it?" That's all. Let that other person explain their motivation to you privately and/or to everyone who was present in that moment; don't assume you already "know". You don't know until you ask "Why?"...and they tell you. If you in fact are the family "scapegoat", it is perfectly appropriate to confront the group involved in the scapegoating in a similar fashion. Examples: "I see that we've established a pattern here where my love life suddenly becomes a huge topic of conversation whenever we are together like this during the holidays. Anyone care to enlighten me why MY love life is such a hot topic of conversation at family events?" "Given the way you are talking to me right now, are you suggesting that I don't know how to think for myself without advice you are giving me right now that I didn't ask for in the first place?" "Why are you handing the baby over to me right now? Do I look like his/her nanny because I'm not." "Are you trying to hurt me right now, or were you just not thinking?" "I don't know who you believe you are speaking to right now, but it's NOT him/her/them."
3. Understand that you can always leave when things are quick to heat up---and nothing appears to be cooling down. For example, two of your cousins start arguing with each other...and no one seems to be intervening to avoid the situation from devolving into something even more intense. When you feel you are part of an audience watching a boxing match about to occur---it IS time for you (and/or your family) to quickly gather up your stuff and get the heck out of Dodge. Leaving what looks like an impending doom scenario IS a viable option. So just be ready and have your "stuff" ready wherever you put it so you can gather it all up quickly enough and just leave. No time for goodbye kisses and hugs either. Just get out and go home. Now a days, I have been asked "Is it o.k. to leave when suddenly I smell marijuana in the air where I am?" "What do I do if there is porn playing on the television set?" If you can't figure this stuff out, imagine if these same things were going on in front of a three year old child. If you wouldn't want a three year old exposed to it, then it's time to adios.
I know. It's very annoying. Yet when we remain in denial or inappropriately irresponsible for doing the "right" thing at family events---the entire family continues to suffer and struggle through the same drama, different holiday event.
And we have to wonder why people eventually decide to "stop" attending holiday events involving family members who bring this drama, crisis, and chaos with them wherever they are? When you don't stand for something, you are truly choosing to fall for anything. This is not a good choice when that "anything" includes whatever form and combination of abuse being targeted towards you...or someone else from your "own" immediate family.
Being ready during the holidays means you are able and capable of saying what you mean, meaning what you say, not saying it mean, but saying it on time in the moment...and to the right person/people involved (in the offensive behavior(s)). When you can make a habit of doing this, you won't fall into the same traps and snares that may have taken you down in the past.
Or...you can always leave. ;-)
Happy holidays 2021/2022! Remain focused on the positive, but if the negative keeps showing up like a bad case of acid reflux...maybe it is time to create and/or discover your own "better" holiday gathering options!
Until next post....