This post, we need to look at what motivates the codependent "giver" mindset and behavior. In case you forgot, codependency is "people" addiction. Not an addiction to just to any person or any group...but to certain persons or groups in certain of your own important-enough relationships. Needless to say, neighbors can be highly codependent with one another...but they could also be superficially polite strangers. It's all up to the parties involved exactly how and when things will go on blast codependently speaking!
As I mentioned last post, we are all capable of functioning as codependent "giver" types of people when we want to impress some person (or group!) we are interacting with....just as we are all capable of functioning as codependent "taker" types when we want to be impressed by some person (or group!). As such, nobody is JUST a "giver" or JUST a "taker" in their codependent and important-enough relationships. We can and do function as BOTH codependent "givers" AND codependent "takers" depending on the person or group involved and the nature of our own relationship with that person or group! Copy that.
Here is an example of how that can look in real life. "Gail" is a hairdresser who is married to "Shawn". They have been married for 16 years and have two minor children. Shawn was married before and has two grown adult children. Gail pretty much does anything and everything Shawn asks for, because he makes the majority of their family's income...and Gail works part time at her salon since their kids were born.
With Shawn, Gail functions most often as a codependent "giver". What ultimately motivates Gail to "give" as she does to Shawn? It's not genuine love or loving sacrifice, believe me. It's her need to be ACCEPTED, APPROVED OF, and LOVED "HER WAY" by Shawn which most motivates her "giver" role towards him.
The kind of love Gail seeks is not the kind of sacrificial love spoken of in faith-based scriptures. Gail's desire for "love" has strings attached. When Gail "gives" to Shawn...she wants acceptance, approval, and her own brand of "love" in return for her giving. Because codependency is an addiction, Gail's addiction to Shawn means that she has her own expectations as to what Shawn will give her in return for being a "good enough" codependent giver towards him!
What I am saying here is not a result of conscious thinking on Gail's part. She merely "knows" what she wants Shawn to say or do to make her feel accepted, approved of, and "loved" her way in exchange for her giving. Gail's brand of love has major strings and expectations attached. Gail is the type who feels "loved" when she spends quality time with her partner. As such, Gail wants Shawn to do things with her that Gail wants to do. Hello! This isn't rocket science people. Get the book "The Five Love Languages" for more on that topic...
Meanwhile, Gail functions as quite the codependent "taker" with her self-reported best friend "Charla". Charla has money, Charla has a nice life in Gail's estimation, and Charla is always open to treating Gail to lunches and fun excursions whenever Gail is feeling dejected, rejected, or neglected by Shawn. Gail hasn't thought about how she "uses" Charla more often than she celebrates Charla and their friendship; Gail only knows when she feels bad about how Shawn is treating her...she calls Charla right away to make herself feel better. This isn't uncommon. When we "give" as a codependent to one person...in order to maintain emotional balance in our own minds, we often "take" as a codependent from another person. As such, someone like Gail gives and gives to her husband...yet takes and takes from her best friend.
Back to Gail and Shawn. In Shawn's world, all he knows and knew at that time was that Gail kept bugging him about things he had absolutely NO interest in doing or pursuing with her...or for her. "I'm not going with her to some stupid lilac festival in Timbuktu!" as he told his brother one day. In fact, Shawn was becoming increasingly annoyed about Gail's "Honey Do" list that only seemed to get longer with each passing week! "She wants a jacuzzi set up the garage AS IF I'm going out there in the middle of winter to soak in a tub?! She's out of her damn mind!" "She wants me to go with her to Kroger for groceries for God's sake! Who does that in 2022?" "She keeps bugging me bring her with me when I go golfing with the guys. AS IF!"
Over time, Gail felt burned out and frustrated by Shawn's non-compliance when it came to "What I do for him...and what he has NO interest in doing for me!" As I write this post, Gail moved on to have an affair with a guy who coached her kid's baseball team...and ultimately left Shawn in the dust for this new man. As one addiction (to Shawn) left her feeling neglected, un"loved", and misunderstood....she moved on to a new object of desire (and addiction!) hoping it would work out better for her.
Now, ten years after her second marriage took place, Gail's "coach" dumped her for someone younger and more compliant given his needs that Gail did not adequately satisfy. Codependency knows no gender best after all! And what about Charla? Charla got wise to Gail and her codependent ways when Gail confessed her relationship with "coach" to Charla shortly after Gail and coach met each other. As Charla put it, "Gail actually expected me to be happy for her having an affair with this random guy from her kid's baseball team without considering her OWN kids with Shawn...and how such a betrayal would affect her kids over time. After I realized Gail was only interested in what made Gail feel good, I dumped her." When I tell you that codependency and the codependent trap lifestyle is a scourge on human relationships...I am NOT kidding!
As codependent "giving" is most motivated by our need to receive ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL, and LOVE OUR WAY by the person we are addicted to...codependent "taking" is most motivated by another set of our own needs. What are those needs?
Next time, what motivates the codependent "taker" within each of us!
Until next post....