The codependent "giver" within each of us is most motivated by our needs to receive ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL, and LOVE (or LIKE) from the person(s) we are fixating on. Remember, codependency is an addiction to "certain" people in "certain" relationships. Which translated means the people we want to impress!
The codependent "taker" within each of us is most motivated by something very different. When we are in a codependent taker mode and mindset, the internal needs we want most satisfied have to do with POWER, PLEASURE, and AVOIDING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Isn't that special? Not really, but it is what it is! Which translated means the people (or things!) we choose that we want to serve and satisfy us!
Very few codependents will admit to their own "taker" status. After all, nobody is "just" a giver or "just" a taker. We ALL function as both givers and takers when we are codependent! We also keep flip-flopping back and forth between these two roles depending on who we are with and whether we are addicted to him/her/them...or we desire he/she/them to be or become addicted to us! Get it? Who is the Master here and now? Who is the Slave here and now? As you may have probably ascertained, the codependent trap lifestyle isn't very healthy and definitely chaotic! People are reduced down to objects and NOT treated as equals! People are not treated with respect...but neither is the codependent treating himself/herself/themselves with respect either! And of course we cannot forget that nobody is being very honest! How can we be honest when we have major motives for BEING codependent that we keep ignoring and/or denying? I mean, show me a hard core codependent "taker" and I'll show you someone with zero genuine empathy and compassion for others---and for self also! Remember, when we are in our "taker" mode and mindset---we are most motivated by our own needs to feel POWER, to feel PLEASURE, and to avoid PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY whenever possible! By the way, when we "take" like this...our "relationship" isn't limited to one with human beings. Think of every hard core addict you have ever known or read about? A bottle of beer can serve as a mistress we "take" from regularly just as a human mistress can function! In other words, our codependent "taking" can often involve substances or processes that are NOT genuinely good for us in our quest to experience power, pleasure, and avoidance of personal responsibility!
So let's look at a real-life example of how this giving/taking kind of crazy "relational dynamic" works in the context of a family in denial about their own codependent trap lifestyle...
"Mirabel" is most motivated by her codependent "taker" nature outside of her relationship with her husband of 65 years. Currently, Mirabel and her husband "Billy" are 85 and 90 years old respectively. They had and raised seven children together; nobody lives within driving distance of Mirabel and Billy. Neither do any of these seven adult children (now) live within driving distance of each other. As the old saying goes, everyone is scattered across the country like the four winds (but in this case, eight!). The grandkids and great grands know of Mirabel and Billy...but don't really "know" them as genuine grands/great grands. Once or twice a year meet ups was the best anyone could do over the decades since each adult child left the nest and went on to marry and make children of their own with their significant others....
Now that Billy is too old and frail to chase women, drink alcohol, and cheat on his taxes....Mirabel is the happiest she's ever been. He stays home with Mirabel! As for Mirabel, she still calls random former social acquaintences here and there to ask for things that have nothing to do with the reality of these other people's lives in 2022. Just the other day, she called a former co-worker she hasn't seen or socialized with in over 30 years (because that co-worker still has the same landline!)...and said the following: "Hi Sally! This is Mirabel. Listen, I need you to do me a favor...." Say what?! Yes, Mirabel is in her own alternate universe that has nothing to do with real life and right now. Turns out Sally was smart enough to respond with "Wrong number!" and hung up on Mirabel. Of course this didn't dissuade Mirabel. She just went ahead to call the next person she hasn't seen or spoken to in decades as she worked her way down her list to have that "favor" realized!
This type of behavior isn't unusual for Mirabel. When Mirabel and Billy were raising their kids, Mirabel developed quite the reputation as the "woman who never shuts up...". Without Mirabel realizing, her neighbors, co-workers, social contacts, and church peeps dropped off one by one when Mirabel got to be too much of a pain for them to manage. "Nobody can forget Mirabel", states one former neighbor. "She is the person who talks at you, doesn't listen, and acts as though she's a trusted friend when she is NOT. That woman has always been seriously delusional!"
Mirabel is clueless. Because she put up with SO much functioning as a codependent "giver" to her husband Billy over the past 65 years....it would naturally follow that she focuses on "taking" from whomever she can find outside of her own family of origin. Sorry Mirabel, relationships that are founded on equality, mutual respect, and honest exchanges of information and care do NOT operate this way! Get a clue Mirabel! But she won't. Why would she? At 85 years old, it's a bit late to wake up to oneself and one's own dysfunctional patterns "now"! And, as a I stated last week, Mirabel had to figure out a way to balance all that "giving" towards Billy by figuring out who she could "take" from for her own needs satisfaction. Too bad she never realized that her attempts at "taking" included ANYONE and EVERYONE outside of her own household!
As an aside, it doesn't surprise Mirabel's and Billy's adult children that their mother is a hard core codependent. Mirabel attempted to recruit each of them over their growing-up years to function as Mirabel's emotional confidante and sidekick as daddy-o was rarely home and juggling his various and assorted girlfriends. "My dad was an attention slut that is for sure", claims their oldest son "Sammy". "Even though he treated our mother like dirt most of the time, he still stayed with us and provided financially for us." Really Sammy? Well, it is true that ignorance can be bliss....especially for kids growing up in such a dysfunctional and chaotic home. Oh yes, I forgot to mention....don't look too deeply into Sammy's life. He didn't learn the important lessons from his own past growing up with Mirabel and Billy as his parents. Beyond the fact that Sammy is about 120 lbs. overweight and has blown through a couple marriages with women he claims were "cheating wh**es"....I'd say poor Sammy married his dad in its way---and twice! Poor Sammy. What we don't know...CAN hurt us! Damn!
But who has Sammy been "taking" from when he, himself, functions as a codependent "taker"? I thought that'd be obvious! After all, when we codependently "take"....it doesn't always follow that what we take from exists in human form! In Sammy's case, it's his refrigerator!
Until next post....