Before offering up the next post in my series on monstrous anxiety, I had to write this one. Sometimes that happens due to too many real life incidents to remind me of those teaching tools that matter. Today, I am presenting the some of the lessons associated with "anxious encounters" we all have pulled...or have been pulled into...in our own lives. Here goes...
Just today at work, when I walked into my office...there was a stranger (woman) standing outside the waiting room and talking on the phone. She did not stop talking on her phone, but she did say while looking at me, "Nobody is here, but someone just came in now..." So, me being me, I asked her "Can I help you?" as I looked her in the eye. She continued talking on the phone and broke eye contact with me. I didn't have time to wait around for her to untangle herself from her cell. She then looked at me while talking on her phone and said "I'm here to pay a bill." between breaths. I said, "You might be in the wrong building; people often make that mistake"...while she again broke eye contact while listening to whomever was on the other end of her cell. As she did not acknowledge what I just said....and as she then directed her next comments to whomever was on the phone with her...I then asked, "What's your therapist's name?" Ignored me. Talked on phone some more.
After a few more minutes of this back and forth stuff with her 3rd party not present in the room...I said, "If you have a bill to pay here at this office, just stick your check under the door over there." as I walked over to point out the office door to her. She stayed on the phone the entire time as I had a client to prepare for coming in within the next ten minutes.
I left the woman there and went into my office, shut my door, and prepared for my next client. After five minutes, I walked out to see if this woman had left. She had not. She was writing a check at the same spot I left her. When she saw me, she said to me, "I just want to tell you that you were very rude to me."
What. In. The. Living. Hell?
In case you haven't figured it out by now, "anxious" people can roll this way very comfortably in their own lives. They have a real or imagined "emergency" of some kind...and it is typically someone ELSE'S responsibility to intervene on their behalf because...don't you know...that's what "we" are supposed to do when we get highjacked and/or otherwise pulled into this type of anxious, codependent, and ADHD-brained sh** show of someone else's issue or problem now being our responsibility to "manage" for them!
Have you noticed this before? I mean I understand if you witness a catastrophic accident of some kind and are in the immediate vicinity to offer assistance. Even if only to call 911 on his/her/their behalf. But I'll be a monkey's uncle if I am going to be dragged into someone else's crazy because I am the nearest human body around---and then be judged for not responding in the way I was "supposed" to behave in King or Queen Baby's presence! (Which IS a common way in which Borderlines roll; more on that later!) I mean it has to be as difficult as hell to be more anxious AND not-thinking-straight than not; even worse when the anxious individual you encounter is a pride-drenched narcissist besides! A little humility when we are struggling goes a LONG way rather than expecting others to cow-tow to your b.s. because that's how you are used to asking for and then "receiving" assistance. No thanks. Turned out after my client left, this woman never did leave a check under the door of our Office Manager's office. Guess she was in the wrong building after all. Doh! These encounters remind me of when birds fly over our heads and drop their load (of crap!) right onto our head...or our shirt...or some other part of our bodies. By the time many of us finally "notice" what just happened to us---they are long gone!
Memo to all of us: Get your facts straight about whatever it is you need to "do" and/or "accomplish" each day in advance. In this "strange woman in my office" case of yesterday, she was absolutely clueless as to what she needed to do---except tell me I didn't kiss her behind well enough in spite of being so rude to me the moment I clapped eyes on her. Talk about being arrogant, ignorant, and belligerent all wrapped up together in one package! Now do you have to wonder why I call these three character traits my own interpretation of the proverbial "Deadly Triad" type personality...
My aunt in her last years was notorious for generating this type of anxiety-based encounter. Grant it, she had vascular dementia and was in her early 90s, so I have to give her grace for that. However, she lived 19 miles away from me; when she would call, this is how she would talk "at" me: "Tomorrow, I need to go to A, B, C, and then D...you can come pick me up at 9:30AM." Reality check. I have a job. I have clients. I have scheduled clients coming in tomorrow. When I would articulate this to her, she told me to cancel my appointments. This from the same aunt who told me if she ever moved in with us, we should get rid of our dogs because she wasn't sure she liked dogs all that much. Okay then! In spite of having a hired caregiver to assist her with various and assorted tasks who she did genuinely enjoy being with...it didn't count for much. I needed to "work" for her too on demand...or at least in her own mind that is.
Many years ago now, I had seen a couple for marital therapy where it was clear that the wife had chronic and intense anxiety, while at the same time viewed herself as the supreme codependent "giver" of her family system. What that means is that she thought of herself as a martyr for the cause (her family's well being). Unfortunately, she was deluding herself. She actually functioned as a codependent controller who genuinely expected each member of her family to "do" what she needed from them, on demand, to help her be "less" anxious on a moment-by-moment basis. Her anxiety was so in control of her life, that she was blind to how she was consistently attempting to recruit her husband and kids to "manage" her anxiety for her! How rude was that? Very, to put it simply.
When we talked about the specifics of this reality check one evening, I thought she was going to hit the ceiling of my office. Instead, she acknowledged it and calmly informed her husband that if he wanted a divorce, she understood. Huh?! Well, as it turned out they agreed to work on what they needed to work on...and that was the good news at that time. Until we can acknowledge our own problem with ongoing anxiety that runs and rules our lives, we won't. Beyond our own suffering due to chronic and intense anxiety, believe me others suffer also!
Part of the problem with our world today is that we have forgotten how to be civil and appopriate with each other after experiencing an uptick in "anxious" encounters since COVID came to roost. We all have anxiety to some extent; does that mean we can "cut to the chase" as we interact with one another to determine "Are you with me?" versus "Are you against me?" That's pretty borderline-ish in case you weren't thinking along those lines (as in Borderline Personality Disorder!). Borderlines are notorious for reducing everything down to "With me? You're the greatest! Against me? You're satan incarnate!" Another incidence of how the Deadly Triad can go postal quite quickly even in our public interactions with literial and virtual strangers!
Please don't emulate the Borderline; they absolutely do struggle with chronic and intense anxiety; that's a given. However, they also believe that nobody knows better about anything than they themselves do. Why? Because they don't trust any human, except for the one who inhabits their own body. It's a tough way to live, but it's part of the reason why we have seen "more" dysfunction at every turn in our culture. People are revealing what lies beneath as they lose it more and more in the public (and private!) realm. Chronic and intense anxiety is just a tip of that iceberg. Instead of continuing to do the wrong thing to obtain a right outcome, maybe this is the time to call a professional and get some help!
Local universities with psychological services clinics offer psychotherapy to the public on a reduced fee basis. The same can be said of CMH (Community Mental Health) clinics, which exist in most cities within our state. Do the right thing for yourself and start working on yourself to heal, make positive changes, and stop suffering as much as you do now.
Until next post....