We Do What We Know (Part II)

We all observe and/or are exposed to patterns of behavior as we are growing up that we can't help but internalize as and when we do.  To internalize means that we have become so familiar and used to what we have seen happen---that we end up believing it to represent "normal" behavior.  Whether these experiences we repeatedly witness or participate in are right or wrong, good or bad, helpful or harmful, mildly traumatic or highly traumatic....we still internalize what we do and as we do.   

As children, we are like human sponges.  We take everything "in"---and there it remains.  Some children have been gifted with the intelligence and insight to "know" (as musician/composer Joni Mitchell did) at a very early age that "something isn't right here" with one's own parents repeated behavioral patterns.  In Mitchell's case, she stated in her autobiography "Reckless Daughter" (2017) that she knew hers were not good at parenting before she was even three years old.  Yet having insight about what isn't right here does not guarantee that we won't still "do what we know" (and learned!) from our parents as we grow older and make those choices for ourselves....

So let's look at how all the experiences we internalized as we were growing up impact our OWN choices when we are old enough to make them.  Last post, I gave an example of a woman who had a drinking problem---and how "looking back" helped her to see how "the drinking life" was a large part of her own original family's "system" (pattern!) of behavior.  A quick side note:  she "knew" this but at the same time she didn't know it (consciously speaking that is!) in terms of how their pattern with "drinking" was NOT something she ever related or equated to her OWN pattern of drinking once she became old enough to do it!

(That's how it is too;  we "know"...but we "dont' know".  Kind of like "My dad was married three times...and so was I!  Do you think there's a connection there?"  Uh...YEAH there is!  "My dad was always sick and overweight most of his adult life.  Am I repeating my mom's life because my husband also has these same issues?"  Uh....YEAH you are!  "My dad cheated on my mom a lot, and I'm constantly worried my wife is going to cheat on me.  Is that normal?"  Uh, for you it is pal!)  

Just earlier today, I saw Jane Fonda talk about the suicide of her own mother when Jane was 12 years old.  She said she believed her mother's death was her own fault...and didn't realize that it wasn't until she was 64 years old!  Nobody has to wait that long before getting clear about what we "think" we learned versus what we genuinely did learn as a result of what we observed growing up in the households we grew up in!

I know.  We each get to choose how much truth we can stand.  And as I have said many times before, if we don't heal from the wreckage of our past, we will keep bleeding on people who didn't cut us in the first place! That's true for anybody.  And it IS hard and it IS difficult to see what our parents chose to do without considering how much their own patterns of behavior adversely influenced and shaped us as their child(ren).  I don't think any parent genuinely wants to have more of a negative impact on their own children's lives than a positive one---but we teach what we teach anyway be it knowingly or unknowingly!

Now imagine when the dysfunctional patterns we grew up with...were the same dysfunctional patterns your parents grew up with...and your grandparents grew up with...and your great grandparents grew up with.  Yeah!  How and why do you think we call all of "that" inter and intra-generational trauma?!  Until someone is brave enough to BREAK THE CYCLE of repeated and dysfunctional behavioral patterns, they will NOT be broken in this generation, or the next, or the one after that!  Hello!

To help us wake up to ourselves in this regard, here are some questions for you to consider in becoming more aware of what you learned that led and leads you now to do what you know.  Ultimately, it IS up to you to do the work to break those patterns of behavior that merely repeat the same dysfunctional cycle that's been played out for hundreds of years within your own family system..

1.  Do you know much about your family of origin's history going back to your parents' lives, your grandparents' lives, and/or your great-grandparents' lives?  If you don't, why do you think that is?

2.  Which members of your family of origin do you believe "best" understood who you were as a person...and loved/nurtured/accepted you for being who you were as you were growing up?  Which members did not and/or were not around to best understand you as a person?  

3.  What happened to you as you were growing up that you NEVER forgot, and yet wish you could?

4.  "Who" were the black sheep of your ancestors (both sides) and "why" from what you saw, experienced, and/or were told by others in your family system?

5.  If you could wake up tomorrow morning and change three things about yourself that you know would "instantly" cause you to feel MUCH happier and better about yourself as a person, what would those three things be?  (What you choose might be "anything" that you believe has prevented you from living in peace---rather than in pieces---in your day-to-day life and relationships!)

6.  "Who" else from your family of origin/ancestor pool struggled with these same things (from question #5 above) to your knowledge...now that you are consciously thinking about it?

Just as we internalize so much of what was or is "good" about our family system that we have easily incorporated into our lives "now" as "family traditions"....this exploration of the dark side of our human behavior is just as important to examine....

Until next post.

We Do What We Know....

It has been said that it is impossible to exist as a work in progress unless we can sift through our memories, archive the good ones, learn from the bad ones, and apply what we've learned to our own life "now".  So true.  Without understanding what happened to us and what we can do better, our insights about our past will be minimal at best.  Without the lessons to teach us from our past experiences, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors.  Sorry, that's just the way it is.  We are truly creatures of habit, even if we genuinely believe we are not.  We do what we know.  The question then becomes, "who" taught us what we know that we have rarely if ever questioned?  It's not until we stop to think about "Why am I reacting this way?"  "Why do I think this way...about that?"  "Why can't I control my emotions when it comes to...?" that we open ourselves up to that much-needed self-reflection that represents the beginning of:  H-E-A-L-I-N-G and/or R-E-C-O-V-E-R-Y.  We could all use some of that, even when we don't think we need it....

"Sue" had a drinking problem.  The problem is that Sue didn't think she had a drinking problem for a very long time.  That's not unusual.  Sue grew up in a family system where drinking was not only acceptable, but celebrated.  "My mom used to put sweet brandy on my gums when I was teething", Sue proudly claims.  "She wasn't all hung up on "alcoholism" like the world is today", adds Sue.  "I can remember the time when if you got drunk and were driving home, the police would stop you and then follow you home to make sure you got there o.k.  Now a days, they arrest you and take your car!"  

Sue was not interested in learning about what a "standard" drink was considered to be when she came in to see me several years ago.  Had she paid attention, she would have found out that one glass of wine equals 5 oz.  Not 10 or 15 oz. as represents a typical "pour" today.  She would have also been made aware that a "shot" is not 3 oz. or 4 oz. over ice of one's favorite liquor...but 1 oz.  When Sue finally agreed to track her drinking for a month and write down exactly what she was consuming without trying to "change" her pattern in any way, Sue found that she was able to comfortably drink an average of  10 drinks within a 24 hour period (5 oz. of wine x 3 = 3 drinks, 4 oz. of liquor = 4 drinks, and three 12 oz. can of beer = 3 drinks) = 10 drinks.  By the way, Sue didn't come to me by choice.  She was ordered to see me by the court after she was found to be driving under the influence as she returned home one Sunday afternoon from a baby's christening party.

When Sue and I spoke about her family of origin and who drank/who didn't in her own family...she mentioned that her mother used to hide her husband's beer cans whenever anybody was about to come over to visit from "church".  "I can remember my mother yelling at me and my brother to get the trash bags filled so that nobody would see the cans in their boxes in our utility room", Sue shared.  When asked how much Sue thought her dad drank each night, she was vague...but yet specific.  "How many beers fit in one of those big boxes?"  Sue remember her dad bringing a box of beer home from work with him pretty much every night of her childhood.  That would be 12 Sue.  That would be 12...

It took some time, but eventually Sue was able to mine some of the history associated with her family system's relationship to alcohol.  We created a genogram which helped Sue to see which of her ancestors "liked to drink" and then Sue went on to ask her parents and other living "elder" relatives for more detail about each individual family member.  "I think the biggest shock to me was when my aunt told me that her mother made moonshine during the Depression and sold it out their back door to earn money for the housekeeping."  Did Sue's grandma drink any of the profits?  "She said she didn't herself, but she used to scream bloody murder when her inventory evaporated at times."  Sue also found out from her aunt that "grandma" made moonshine out of any discarded fruit she was able to collect in and around the neighborhood.  "She fermented everything.  Apricots, blueberries, pears...she didn't even care what fruit she got so long as it wasn't totally rotten.  She made your dad and I go through the pickings in the alley every Saturday in case there was any fruit that could be used in her still."  

Sue's exploration into her family's history with drinking opened her eyes to the realities of how alcohol influenced...and then impacted...each one of her family members.

Did Sue ultimately decide to cut back and/or eliminate her own pattern with drinking?  "I did a 12 step program for about a year, but then I realized I just couldn't stop completely.  Now I am just more aware of how much I allow myself to drink in a week...and not go over that amount.  Of course, I never drink and drive anymore.  That's over."  

Has the "change" had any impact on Sue's life and relationships now in a positive way?  "I do feel better, that's for sure.  I think becoming more aware of my drinking helped me to see how I didn't really "need" it like I thought I did in the past.  It's not like taking medicine to me anymore....if that makes any sense?"

Yes Sue, it does make sense.  We do what we know, until we learn better.  Then when we know better, we can do better too...

Untl next post....