It has been said that it is impossible to exist as a work in progress unless we can sift through our memories, archive the good ones, learn from the bad ones, and apply what we've learned to our own life "now". So true. Without understanding what happened to us and what we can do better, our insights about our past will be minimal at best. Without the lessons to teach us from our past experiences, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes of our ancestors. Sorry, that's just the way it is. We are truly creatures of habit, even if we genuinely believe we are not. We do what we know. The question then becomes, "who" taught us what we know that we have rarely if ever questioned? It's not until we stop to think about "Why am I reacting this way?" "Why do I think this way...about that?" "Why can't I control my emotions when it comes to...?" that we open ourselves up to that much-needed self-reflection that represents the beginning of: H-E-A-L-I-N-G and/or R-E-C-O-V-E-R-Y. We could all use some of that, even when we don't think we need it....
"Sue" had a drinking problem. The problem is that Sue didn't think she had a drinking problem for a very long time. That's not unusual. Sue grew up in a family system where drinking was not only acceptable, but celebrated. "My mom used to put sweet brandy on my gums when I was teething", Sue proudly claims. "She wasn't all hung up on "alcoholism" like the world is today", adds Sue. "I can remember the time when if you got drunk and were driving home, the police would stop you and then follow you home to make sure you got there o.k. Now a days, they arrest you and take your car!"
Sue was not interested in learning about what a "standard" drink was considered to be when she came in to see me several years ago. Had she paid attention, she would have found out that one glass of wine equals 5 oz. Not 10 or 15 oz. as represents a typical "pour" today. She would have also been made aware that a "shot" is not 3 oz. or 4 oz. over ice of one's favorite liquor...but 1 oz. When Sue finally agreed to track her drinking for a month and write down exactly what she was consuming without trying to "change" her pattern in any way, Sue found that she was able to comfortably drink an average of 10 drinks within a 24 hour period (5 oz. of wine x 3 = 3 drinks, 4 oz. of liquor = 4 drinks, and three 12 oz. can of beer = 3 drinks) = 10 drinks. By the way, Sue didn't come to me by choice. She was ordered to see me by the court after she was found to be driving under the influence as she returned home one Sunday afternoon from a baby's christening party.
When Sue and I spoke about her family of origin and who drank/who didn't in her own family...she mentioned that her mother used to hide her husband's beer cans whenever anybody was about to come over to visit from "church". "I can remember my mother yelling at me and my brother to get the trash bags filled so that nobody would see the cans in their boxes in our utility room", Sue shared. When asked how much Sue thought her dad drank each night, she was vague...but yet specific. "How many beers fit in one of those big boxes?" Sue remember her dad bringing a box of beer home from work with him pretty much every night of her childhood. That would be 12 Sue. That would be 12...
It took some time, but eventually Sue was able to mine some of the history associated with her family system's relationship to alcohol. We created a genogram which helped Sue to see which of her ancestors "liked to drink" and then Sue went on to ask her parents and other living "elder" relatives for more detail about each individual family member. "I think the biggest shock to me was when my aunt told me that her mother made moonshine during the Depression and sold it out their back door to earn money for the housekeeping." Did Sue's grandma drink any of the profits? "She said she didn't herself, but she used to scream bloody murder when her inventory evaporated at times." Sue also found out from her aunt that "grandma" made moonshine out of any discarded fruit she was able to collect in and around the neighborhood. "She fermented everything. Apricots, blueberries, pears...she didn't even care what fruit she got so long as it wasn't totally rotten. She made your dad and I go through the pickings in the alley every Saturday in case there was any fruit that could be used in her still."
Sue's exploration into her family's history with drinking opened her eyes to the realities of how alcohol influenced...and then impacted...each one of her family members.
Did Sue ultimately decide to cut back and/or eliminate her own pattern with drinking? "I did a 12 step program for about a year, but then I realized I just couldn't stop completely. Now I am just more aware of how much I allow myself to drink in a week...and not go over that amount. Of course, I never drink and drive anymore. That's over."
Has the "change" had any impact on Sue's life and relationships now in a positive way? "I do feel better, that's for sure. I think becoming more aware of my drinking helped me to see how I didn't really "need" it like I thought I did in the past. It's not like taking medicine to me anymore....if that makes any sense?"
Yes Sue, it does make sense. We do what we know, until we learn better. Then when we know better, we can do better too...
Untl next post....