Paying attention...and sustaining focus...is one of the executive functions of every human brain. When we have difficulty with paying appropriate attention to ourselves and others, life can get very complicated very quickly. And with humanity being the way it is, we tend to pay way too much attention to the people, places, and things we "want" to pay attention to----and then pay very little if any attention at all to the people, places, and things we perceive as an undesirable responsibility, a duty, and/or a form of obligation. Yep, that's how we roll all right. We either want the love, acceptance, and approval of certain people we come across in this lifetime---and/or we want to experience power, pleasure, and/or avoiding certain personal responsibilities we don't feel like being responsible for on a consistent basis! This is a fundamental dilemma of every human being in existence, once he/she/they are old enough to "notice" it! We want to pay too much attention to what makes us feel powerful (which is DIFFERENT from feeling "empowered" oh by the way!). When we want to feel "powerful", that usually involves someone paying the price (and not in a good way!).
When we are motivated by our need to be and feel "empowered"...that means we are confident enough in one's own ability to COMFORTABLY say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean, and say it on time to the right person(s) involved in the discussion of the moment. So, just to be clear, feeling "powerful" and being "empowered" are two very different things!
Any person over the age of five knows what it's like to want to feel pleasure in whatever form that takes in one's own life. How each of us goes about pursuing those feelings of pleasure are going to depend on what we are into...what we are passionate about...what we "prefer", etc. etc. Some people eat dessert...a lot. Some people read books. Others go shopping. There are those who fish and hunt. I could go on...yet pursuing "pleasure" does have its limits. When we pay more attention to "this" than we do to our own real lives outside of our pleasure pursuits---we can end up clueless to our own real life reality. Just imagine every vice and addiction in existence and you'll understand my point. When people allow their vices to run and ruin them...they usually do (run and ruin them!)!
What causes attention-related problems in the human brain? All sorts of things, that's what! Attention-deficit disorder chief among them...but then diagnoses of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and pretty much ANY of the other anxiety-based disorders can do it as well. After all, who can "think straight" when they are anxious enough? That would be nobody! Traumatic brain injuries can also cause attention-related problems inside the brain...as can certain viruses contracted throughout our lives. Did you know, for example, that the latest neurobiochemical research has demonstrated that carriers of the herpes simplex virus are more likely to develop Alzheimer's as they age? Yep, no kidding. Just like the use of acetaminophen during pregnancy has now been linked to babies born on the spectrum for Autism. There are other factors of course, including sustained emotional neglect during childhood, poisoning by toxic elements found in our air, water, and food, alcoholism, drug use and abuse, etc.
Since my work often involves "waking up" ourselves to the relevant facts of who we are "now" and how we got there...I am always grateful for the historical perspective(s) my clients can speak about when they start paying "appropriate" attention to their own life's narrative. For example:
"Yeah, that time I first got stitches at age three for running into a picnic table. Every time my parents would tell me that story, they would also tell me how it scared the living hell out of my aunt! Not my parents, not my uncle...but my aunt! So what was the point of telling me that story in the same way so often throughout my life? Doesn't make any sense!" (Paying "appropriate" attention to a past event involving parental neglect and ambivalence...)
"Listen, all I know is I hate confrontation AND conflict. I just do. I don't know why...I don't know where I learned it from...I don't know why I feel like my mind and my insides are in a constant state of emergency..." (Paying "appropriate" attention to issues around past emotional neglect and what happened when we made our OWN needs known to someone else we loved and cared about...)
"Both of my parents treated me like I existed to take care of my younger siblings. I didn't get anything "good" for being the 24/7 babysitter of my siblings. In fact, I got yelled at a LOT about what I didn't do correctly. JC, I was only a kid myself! Why would they ever think it was o.k. to have a kid under 10 years old being in charge of a literal infant and two toddlers?" (Paying "appropriate" attention to a mutual "avoidance of personal responsibilties" on the part of this individual's parents growing up...)
"I don't know....I came here thinking my problem was about my boyfriend not listening to me and not respecting what I ask him for. Now I am thinking my problem is me putting up with anything from any man I date so I don't end up alone..." (Paying "appropriate" attention to casual misogyny in the context of a primary "love" relationship...)
Waking up from our own unique forms of the deep sleep IS truly a good thing! Staying asleep---not so much. When we stay asleep to the lessons our lives have been repeatedly showing us, we are doomed to repeat the same crap and same mistakes our parents/grandparents/siblings/extended family "taught" us throughout our growing up years. This and all the other stuff we learned from our peer group(s) and "outsiders" to our family system as well! Waking up translates to Step 1 of breaking our own cycle of dysfunction. Step 1 also translates to "recognizing" what we have been thinking, feeling, and doing/not doing that is NOT good for us. When we can recognize and then take responsibility for ourselves in this way, we are learning how to go from paying too much attention to the wrong things...and not enough attention to the right things....to paying more "appropriate" attention generally speaking!
These days, I still find it astounding how many people will just walk across a road or parking lot without looking up---and/or around them first! Just because the law in our state specifies that pedestrians have the right of way, that law does NOT mean that a pedestrian can just walk themselves into vehicles that are only inches away from them while in transit. I mean, in the old days we called this behavior a straight up "suicide attempt". Yet these days, walking into moving vehicles is accepted practice (?!) Because NOT paying attention is becoming accepted practice across all areas of life and functioning for ALL of us!
Don't get me started on cell phones. In our quest to be entertained, are we really so obsessive that we cannot function in real life reality without them? I have often said if our country were actively engaged in some form of global warfare...half of our population would no doubt die within the first couple of weeks! Without their cell phones, or their Starbucks, or their porn, or their Dr.FeelGood(s) substances and practices nobody knows about....all dead. I give it two weeks. No kidding.
Just read today, by the way, that some idiot or multiple idiots are attaching explosive devices to drones. You know, the kind you can buy these days from most any toy store because hey, "drones" are fun to play with (?!). Okay then! Love the direction this world is headed because WE ARE NOT PAYING APPROPRIATE ATTENTION!
I could go on, but I'd be typing here for another week. To close today's post about paying more appropriate attention...just try paying more appropriate attention to the "ads" you see when your game of Solitaire or Wheel of Fortune or Candy Crush (on your phone) times out and you are forced to watch some random game app ad for 20 or 30 seconds. Are you sick and shocked simultaneously?! I sure have been! To talk about sexist, mysoginistic, sexually inappropriate, vile, abusive, and otherwise rated "X" content in cartoon form is just freaking MIND BLOWING! And these *%$)_@ ad designers don't think young kids are seeing this garbage when they suddenly appear online? Of course they do! That's their whole point!
When we go after our own kids in order to corrupt them the way we "want" to corrupt them, we have lost both our humanity...and our souls.
Until next post...
Pay appropraite attention!