Have you ever wondered why it is that you, or someone you care about, is SO afraid of confrontation and conflict? What causes a person to avoid confrontation and/or conflict like it's their job? How does an individual's past history impact living in a state of avoidance versus assertive communication? How can a person make positive changes in this regard, if in fact it is even possible? Keep reading....
It isn't enough to believe or excuse oneself by claiming "Well, I'm an introvert...and introverts don't like confrontation or conflict of ANY kind." Believing a statement like that presumes some clearly negative traits about people of "introvert" status. This would be like saying, "Well, I'm a (insert label of choice here)...and (same label for group) cannot dance." Give me a break. This isn't fact. This is fallacy. So, erase this part of your "absolutely true about everyone who is (insert label here)" belief system today. This is why being "woke" is such a controversial issue these days. People really do believe that they genuinely understand ALL people who are A, B, C, D, or E. Which is a joke. I don't understand you and you don't understand me until we start honestly communicating with each other about "who" we are exactly across all areas of our own life and functioning! Also, if you really want to cut down to the chase of "woke" status, how about this: I will accept, respect, and honestly interact with you any day of the week. However, if and when our communication degrades down to my realization that your character is in the crapper....that's when I no longer would want anything to do with you. Kind of like meeting and getting to know Jeffrey Dahmer at the one end of the spectrum...or the casual misogynist neighbor up the street on the other end. In other words, when I realize that someone is a person of questionable and/or obviously "not good" character---I bounce! That's how I remain "woke" to myself.
So let's start by looking at what confrontation actually is. It is when we want to communicate what we most often perceive as an "uncomfortable truth" with someone else. That truth may relate to ourselves...or the person we are speaking to...or a "system" of some kind (family, work group, neighborhood HOA meeting members, etc.). Just as important, when we have a NEED we want to communicate to someone---and that person is instrumental in having our need satisfied. Just because we will be communicating something that isn't necessarily "easy" for us to share or say---confrontation does NOT mean the listener(s)' response will be immediately shaming, guilt-inducing, frightening, harshly judgmental, and/or otherwise inappropriate. HOWEVER, people who are reluctant to share uncomfortable truth(s) or personal need(s) typically can't fanthom the thought of losing someone's approval, acceptance, and "like" over something they communicated as part of a conversation.
So, this meme came up on my facebook feed the other day. It's true. Absolutely true. Without a doubt true. Is this your history that led to your adult pattern of avoiding confrontation and conflict like the plague? And listen...this outcome can also come from growing up with ANY adult or older-than-you family member who treated you in this manner more often than every so often! Don't you remember, "Stop crying! I'll give you something to cry about!" "Quit your belly-aching! Do you think we're made of money?!" "Stop being so selfish! You aren't the only kid in this house!" and/or the infamous "I wish you had never been born!"
Yeah, like that. When we are brave enough to say what we think, feel, or actually need as children...only to be taught that our own thoughts, feelings, and/or needs mean very little or nothing to the "elders" around us---how do you think YOU would turn out later on? This way, that's how!
Of course, there is hope. There is always hope. You still aren't living in that imprisoning world of yesteryear. You, yourself, are fully adult now. You CAN practice with whomever you want how to say what you mean, mean what you say, not say it mean, and say it on time and to the right person. Yes, you can do it! Yet you have to acknowledge that you can't live in a constant state of IMAGINED fear when you think about saying or sharing "this" or "that" with someone you believe might shame you in some way for expressing yourself and/or your needs to them!
If nothing changes, remember that nothing changes!
You matter. Your thoughts, your beliefs, your attitudes, and your opinions...all of these things DO matter. Unless you are able to clearly communicate these things comfortably---you won't. And when that happens, no one will be able to recognize the lovely person you are underneath all that imagined fear plus worry!
Think about it this way: if you believe something you say to another person will automatically count as "confrontational"....why are you thinking that way? What you are doing inside your own head is believing a couple of things that are not typically based in reality: "If I disagree with someone else's opinion, attitude, or belief---I am being confrontational/asking for drama." "If I say what I want or need from someone directly---I am being weak/selfish/pathetic etc. etc." No, you are not. You are merely expressing yourself openly and honestly. Remember when I mentioned above about not wanting to be in a relationship with people of questionable or no good character? Unless you are dealing with someone of this type...you aren't! So stop presuming everyone whom you share your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, attitudes, and beliefs with----will respond or react to you badly. They won't. And even if someone does offend you by what they say, all you have to do is respond with the one question that puts the responsibility of what's happening in real time back to the individual offender: "Interesting. What made you say that just now?"
Until next post...
Today is Thanksgiving Day 2022. Happy Thanksgiving and here's a thought for this day:
Happy people are not always thankful, yet thankful people are always happy. <3
Maybe 2023 is the year we can all practice being grateful for what we have...instead of angry, resentful, and/or bitter about what we don't have!
