Back when I was in my 20s, I got to know the owners of a local business. One night we were sitting in back of their store drinking some wine. The couple who owned the business was there, along with their two teenage kids. The conversation drifted to the time when the one kid was having difficulty with being potty trained. "So you know what I did Mary?...", the "dad" asked me. His daughter started to get red in the face and looked like she was becoming visibly upset. Me being me, I said..."Well, whatever it was, she's still upset about it now!" He then told me that he had her climb the roof of their garage and ordered her to jump off. Say what?! Yes, that's what he did. His daughter, still upset, told me how scared she was and how she thought she was going to die, etc. Of course she did! When she stopped talking, her dad looked at me and said, "Well, guess what? She never pi**ed her pants again after that so it worked!"
Indeed.
Trauma and trauma bonding begins in one's own family of origin. Period. Deflect, deny, and distract as you might...every family has its own form of "hot mess parenting" and "hot mess lifestyle" that occurs. Every one of us has a handful of the "Worst Five" stories from our childhood past. "The time my baby brother was too close to the fireworks and got his eye shot out.." "when I got locked in the bedroom and then I heard everyone leave the house---for hours!" "..when my older brother's friend raped me in my own basement.." "...when my father went to prison.." "when my little sister ate the weed on the counter by accident and nearly died.." "When the dog got out and got killed by a car right in front of our house.."
Wow.
We are a very under-responsible bunch of bananas when we choose to be. Why does this surprise you? I can recall dropping in at a beloved grandma's house as she was babysitting her six very young grandchildren. There was no way she could "attend" to each one of them with any degree of competency, so she didn't. They were herded, not unlike a bunch of cats, in the same room with a child's gate set up to block their entry into the kitchen area. As would be expected when the adult in charge isn't paying attention, the kids began getting physically rough with each other. She was fine to ignore it and "let them play it out.." Play it out?
How is biting, kicking, hitting, and slapping each other "playing it out"? Yet...in this particular family system...physical violence was and remained an acceptable means of communication for the bullies within the family. As these kids grew up without proper boundaries being taught or practiced, they functioned more like feral animals without learning genuine compassion, empathy, or respect for self and others. For the children here who were victimized repeatedly by their brother and/or sister and/or cousin, they grew up to believe that active abuse is normal and, as a result, selected friends and boyfriends they could trauma bond with quite comfortably as they grew older.
At last check, the most vulnerable child out of that bunch has been in and out of rehab countless times, is HIV positive, is living now with his pregnant girlfriend, and has been tatting himself up like a billboard over recent months. Not to go off on a bunny trail, but have you ever sat and asked about the tats on someone who does present like a human billboard? It's an extremely fascinating means to observe a person's life story through their chosen words and pictures, that's for sure. Everytime I see him, I am reminded of that sweet and peace-loving child who couldn't help but "morph" into what he is today given his inconsistent, erratic, and chaotic childhood upbringing...
A history with trauma bonding creates lifestyle choices as we grow out of childhood that we don't even notice. "Oh, you mean you think that because my parents were both alcoholics, that this is why my boyfriend and I don't notice how much we are drinking like we should?" YES THAT'S RIGHT. (Duh!)
"Oh, you mean that maybe the reason why I let my bully son control our family is because my mother let my bully brother control ours when I was growing up?" YES THAT'S RIGHT. (Double Duh!)
Clearly, a history of neglect, invalidation, rejection, active abuse, trauma, and other catastrophic life events does have an impact on how we think, how we feel, how we behave...and how we choose!
Choose wisely. Don't be dumb. Easy to be dumb. The current state of our country is evidence enough of that.
Therapy is available to us all for a reason. Make the call. Join the group. Do your work. You won't get better from the impact of your history with trauma and your own trauma-bonded life just because you are thinking about it.
Until next post...