I've spoken a lot over the years about the scourge of the codependent relationship lifestyle. Without appropriately addressing this uncomfortable truth about "us" as people, I believe that it is foundational to explaining "why" we keep seeing upticks in mental health-related disorders with each new generation of "us". It also helps explain how people get involved with other people that end up alternately controlling and abusing them to the point of utter insanity.
In case you forgot, codependency is people addiction. Not to "all" people mind you, but to those you select---or who select you---to be or become "addicted" to. If you can't remember anything else about codependency, try to remember this truth. When our relationship life gets reduced down to who is addicted to us, versus who we are addicted to ourselves....does it surprise you that such a relationship lifestyle choice could lead to some very serious and disturbing interpersonal dynamics that make no sense to the rational mind? It does not surprise me. Just saying....
Just the other day I heard about a young mom whose baby daddy sent some very explicit photos of her to everyone on her contact list. Why she agreed to pose for such photos is beyond me, but she claimed to her people that "he" made her do it against her will. He also has been allowed back into her life in spite of being intermittently physically violent with her in the presence of their minor child. Oh by the way, he is currently on probation and has spent time in jail because of his domestic violence history with her. He claims she is a part-time prostitute to support her opioid habit. She says he "made" her get into that life to support his own heroin habit. Wherever the truth lies, this is NOT an interdependent relationship match made in Heaven. Instead, it is a toxic and malignant codependent relationship from the depths of Hell. Last time anyone checked, her people were working to get the child out and re-homed with a member of her extended family.
I can remember a classmate from my middle school years who met and married a guy from another high school on the right side of our city's railroad tracks. However, over the years, the "updates" on their lives together were not promising. Word on the street was he got her addicted first to cocaine, then opioids, and then had her prostituting herself to support her drug habit. He also was a violent offender towards her and their two kids. She ended up in a nursing home and died before she was 50 years old. Their codependent hot mess of a relationship kept her under his control....and taught her she was utterly powerless to properly care for herself and by herself. Just like any toxic codependent dynamic, someone is always in charge. In this case, her giving up her personal power and letting her husband rule her life is what ultimately ruined it to the point of death.
Why does reading this shock you? It shouldn't. This goes on all the time, we just don't want to notice when it involves people we claim to love and care about.
Codependency is the way our world interacts with each other most naturally. We function to either "impress" someone else...or to be impressed by someone else. Rarely do we treat each other as true equals. It takes only seven seconds to form an initial first impression of someone when we see him/her/them for the first time. When we are on the receiving end of instant dismissal, rejection, and/or invalidation of our very existence, guess what? It stings! That deep sense of "I am not o.k.!" comes from repeated encounters with others who respond to us as if we are a bother, a problem, an annoyance, of no perceived "use" to them, and/or a nuisance. Am I lying? No, I am not lying. Your task now is to figure out whether you, yourself, have now become one of those people who do NOT treat your fellow human beings as "equal" as you move through your own life's journey. And don't rely on the excuses of being introverted or shy or socially awkward or too busy as a reason to justify human inequality which YOU have instigated by your own action---or inaction.
Love is not codependency. Love is not transactional. The codependent relationship lifestyle is extremely transactional. Love = equality, mutual respect, HONEST and APPROPRIATE exchanges of information and care between any two people or groups, mutual understanding, ongoing negotiation and compromise, compassion, empathy, and the ability to demonstrate mercy and forgiveness to others whether our perpetrators have asked for that mercy and forgiveness---or not. Love is patient. Love is kind. And actively loving someone does NOT have "strings" attached to our giving. Codependency always has "strings" attached to our giving to one or more others....
When we are codependent, we struggle with the same chronic and repeated feelings of HURT, ANGER, GUILT, SHAME, LONELINESS, and CONFUSION. Secondarily, we may find ourselves drifting in and out of feelings to do with deep despair, sadness, and powerlessness. This is not surprising. After all, all the work we are doing in our relationship life is primarily to achieve the following self-gratifying purposes, depending on what "mindset" we are operating from: (1) to get acceptance, (2) to get approval, (3) to feel the "like" or the "love" from the other person/group, (4) to feel "powerful", (5) to feel "pleasure", and/or (6) to avoid our own personal responsibility(s) at the expense of one or more others. When we are in "giver" mode, we are most motivated by our need for acceptance, approval, and like/love. When we are in "taker" mode, we are most motivated by our need for power, pleasure, and to avoid personal responsibility. Period. End of.
These are the "strings" that we attach to our giving and/or to our taking/receiving from those people in our life that we "pick" for these purposes!
Next post, how to start breaking the chains which bind you to your own codependent relationship life...