We are all narcissistic to varying degrees. This is because we all have suffered through varying experiences of rejection, invalidation, neglect, and by being true victims of true injustice. Narcissistic injury teaches us that it is not o.k. for us to exist, we are a/the problem to him/her/them, and that we basically have no real value or worth as a viable and contributing member of society. Narcissistic injury also teaches us that we are no more than mere objects to be exploited and used by others for their own amusement and/or gratification in whatever forms that gratification takes.
Now, one might think that such difficult life experiences would encourage a person to be resilient, compassionate, humble, and committed to doing what's right first and always. Wrong! In fact, narcissistic injury more often causes us move in a completely opposite direction. Instead of being resilient, we get stuck in the muck of our painful past. Instead of practicing compassion, we care less and less about the well being of others. Rather than being humble, we choose arrogance to cover up our genuine inner vulnerabilities. And rather than doing the right thing in any given moment...we choose to do whatever makes us feel "right" in the quickest way possible.
Instead of thinking of ourselves less often, we think less of others more often! And that fact, I must say, is at the root of how malignant narcissists are not born...but are made!
Let's take a look at the life of "Joe". Joe's dad died suddenly when Joe was 9 years old. Joe had one older brother, who had an ongoing anger problem since their father's death. "He was always mad. Mad at our mother, mad at me, mad at the world." Joe didn't realize that his brother's anger was complicated due to the demands of their mother once she became a single parent. As Joe's brother Sam put it, "She told me I was responsible for Joe when she was working. I couldn't do anything or go anywhere after school because Joe was too young to be home by himself. I couldn't believe it. My life was going to be over because I had to babysit my brother?!" Unfortunately, Sam figured out he could have his friends come over to the house when she was at work and until 7PM each night.
Joe's experience with his brother and his brother's friends quickly became nightmarish. "I was violently molested by a few of them when my brother was downstairs getting drunk with the rest of them.." states Joe. "I was too scared to tell my brother or my mother what happened, because these guys who hurt me said they would kill me if I told anybody." Wow. Needless to say, Joe started drinking with his brother and these same friends by age 12 and secretly began cutting himself to "just feel something".
By the time Sam was 18, he quickly moved out and relocated to the opposite coast. "I was glad he was gone...and I didn't care if I ever saw him again", claimed Joe. Joe, when he turned 21, got a girl pregnant who already had been married before and had a two year old son. "My mother went ballistic", Joe says. "She didn't come to the wedding, and she treated my wife like dirt pretty much for the rest of her own life."
By the time Joe and his wife completed their own family, he found himself feeling smothered by them and their needs whenever they were all at home together. "I don't know what it was, but I couldn't stand being home. It was like I had to go literally outside of my own house in order to feel o.k." Needless to say, Joe found his own "crew" to go out with after work....and their group's activities over time often involved drinking, drug use, and other women and men to be sexual with.
Joe's wife was beside herself. "I have these kids with the man I love more than life itself, and the best he can do is tolerate our presence every once in a while?", she stated. Her protestations fell on Joe's deaf ears. Joe was too busy trying to make himself feel good on demand by focusing on what he wanted and when he wanted it and how he was going to get it.
When Joe finally came into therapy because he just found out his youngest daughter had been molested by his oldest stepson for several years during her childhood, he was a broken man. "I don't know if I can believe her", he told his therapist. "She was always very clingy as a kid, but I can't believe he would do that to her."
It took several months working with his therapist for Joe to realize how he came from a family whose primary legacy was malignant narcissism. During this time, Joe did some research regarding his own father's death. He found out from his last living "elder" relative (his paternal aunt) that his father was killed coming home from a rendevous with his long-time girlfriend. Both were killed instantly, but the family shut down the truth immediately and just told everyone it was a heart attack. "Back then, my aunt told me, car accidents weren't reported in the newspaper unless a lot of people were killed at the same time."
How did Joe feel about this uncomfortable truth regarding his own father? "Well, why should I be surprised?", Joe pondered. "I don't even remember him ever at home with us.."
Joe managed to locate his brother to ask him about their lives before their dad died. "He was surprised to hear from me, but he did answer my questions", says Joe. "He told me that my parents fought a lot when they were together...and that our mother cheated on our father with her boss at work for not just years---but decades. He also told me that is why he left home so soon after he graduated high school, because he couldn't take her lies about her boyfriend/boss anymore."
Talk about history and the epigenetic links of malignant narcissism repeating itself through the generations! Double yikes!
To think of yourself less often is the first step in breaking the chains that bind you to your own complicated past. This is why I often suggest that adult children start asking their surviving family members/elder family members "What happened here?" before the passage of time prevents the truth from coming out as it should. When we become blind to what our family's history has to teach us, we are pretty much doomed to repeat and re-enact the same patterns of dysfunction that we've kept ignoring and/or denying....
Until next post....