Bitterness is not attractive. We all have something or another we still feel bitter about. I am reminded in this moment of every "star" wanna-be professional athlete in high school or college---yet it didn't happen. You ever meet one of these folks? When a person is bitter about an issue such as this one, it's a trip to listen to him/her/them. No matter what is being discussed, the conversation seems to always circle back to what happened to him/her/them that did NOT work out. Based on my last post, and in case you forgot, anyone with lingering bitterness about A, B, C, and/or D is also dealing with unresolved grief! "If only I had..." "If only that didn't happen to me at that time..." "If only my parents hadn't..." "If only my stupid surgeon didn't...." As the old saying goes, "When you get to the end of your rope....it's time to let go!"
Letting go is very difficult for us, yet when we keep hanging on to "it" whatever it is---it does have the power to destroy us both figuratively and literally. When the horse is dead, by all means dismount! How many of your own old dreams, desires, and heart-felt "plans" died with the passage of time? How did you move past what happened to you without bringing that anger, resentment, and bitterness over "it" with you into your present life? You don't believe you have? Think again! Without being aware, you morphed into the person you said you'd never yourself become: a bitter one!
There are many adults, reading this right now, who "changed" dramatically and for the worse as soon as they realized their experiences with other people (primarily their own peers) was more disappointing and hurtful than not. For me and in school, it was the day I was "christened" a nickname I did not want or ask for by our class's #1 bully. I was called that nickname throughout my childhood, but I decided to go with it rather than remain angry, resentful, and bitter about it. By the time I reached high school, my classmates who called me that nickname shortened it (mercifully) so it didn't sound so obviously offensive. Kind of like transitioning from "Lurch" to "Lure". According to gain frame theory, I focused myself on the positive as a result of this change in my nickname status---and ran with it. When new people I met in high school would ask me, "Why do some people call you "Lure"..?", I made up a story that made "cute" sense. In my case, "I used to wear a lot of bows in my hair as a kid.."
Now I am reminded of another kid I grew up with who was always quite angry and distanced himself from others. He didn't instigate drama, but he wasn't kind either. Seeing him periodically at social events over the years as an adult, he is "that guy" who is hyper-sarcastic, hyper- critical, and hyper-negative. Word on the street is that he had a physically abusive stepfather as a kid. Well, that would explain a lot. But to spread his past pain onto others even "now" as a retired senior citizen through his thoughtless, careless, and hurtful comments? He thinks he's being funny when he is confronted; he's not funny. He's bitter. And it shows.
Do you know about gain frame theory? It's what allows us to change our thinking from negative (which comes so naturally to us!) to positive no matter what the topic under consideration is. We either look at a glass as half full (gain frame) or half empty (loss frame). Studies have shown that if you describe anything to people in terms of loss frame ("This device has a 30% failure rate.."), the people who hear that will develop a negative attitude towards the device and stick with that "fact". On the other hand, if you take another group of people and describe that same device in terms of gain frame ("This device has a 70% success rate..."), those folks will develop and maintain a positive attitude towards the device and stick with that "fact". Even when researchers went back to each group to offer the opposing perspective, the "negative Nellies" didn't change their minds about the device having a 30% failure rate rather than a 70% success rate. Meanwhile, the "positive Pammies" remaind positive after hearing the device had a 30% failure rate. Yep, it's like that. When we focus on the "gain frame" moments of our lives which includes developing an attitude of genuine gratitude....we are actively working against anger, resentment, and bitterness wrapping their tentacles and tightening themselves around our very throats!
Letting go of our past hurts, disappointments, and lost dreams is not a job for cowards. It really does take bravery to face the realities of our past choices which led us to where we are today. "I wasted my life on being with him/her/them and now I'm 53 years old and I still don't know what I am going to do when I grow up!" "I'm too old to grieve over something that happened to me 50 years ago!" (Really? If it still affects you negatively "now"---even if those effects are limited to your own thought life---isn't it worth working on to reduce and/or eliminate now also?!)
Letting go (surrender!) is at the heart of learning how to accept whatever it is that happened to you and/or to someone else you love(d) and care(d) about. "Surrender is that still small space between acceptance...and change." That's the truth! If you can't let go...if you can't surrender your will for what you wanted/want now but didn't or never received....you will be STUCK my friend in a whole lot of anger, resentment, and bitterness as time continues to pass you by.
The time to truly let go of everyone and everything that causes you pain, misery, and suffering is now. It just is! Your continued relationship with bitterness isn't working! It never has worked for you in the first place! You did become that person who is NOT a joy to be around! You complain and moan and groan so comfortably that you don't even notice when you do it like you once used to notice! You view it as "normal" human behavior. It is NOT normal human behavior! You were and are not meant to be isolated, alone, and still bitter about your life and what happened to you. Come out into the light and receive your healing---before it is too late!
Until next post...