Personal responsibility is one of those realities of everyday life that we don't want to talk about much. Why not? In my business, we talk about "ATLs" often with certain clients (which means "activities of daily living" for the uninitiated). Unless a person can successfully pursue their own ATLs, intervention is always a necessary component of the client's recovery journey.
Yet, when it comes to those of us who can otherwise get up, dress up, and show up to our own lives each day, we don't often think of what being more personally responsible can mean. Today's blog post is about this issue because it is so easy to avoid what we'd rather not---be personally responsible about!
"Donna" is a successful lawyer. She is also a slob. I don't mean the kind of slob who shows up in court wearing her pajamas from the night before. No, in Donna's life and world, she looks great and very well put together when she's out in public. Yet Donna will never invite you over. In fact, Donna is well known for the "Let's meet up at..." style of social interaction with friends and family. Because Donna lives alone and has no children, she is free to pursue her ATLs exactly as she wants because there is no accountability. Donna's extended family all live out of state, and her parents and elder relatives are long since deceased. Even though Donna is involved with some community-based groups, she has not hosted anyone in her home for the past ten years.
It was when Donna met "Jake" that things became complicated. Jake was highly interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with Donna, but could not understand her obvious reluctance at him visiting her in her home. "I thought it was strange that this beautiful and charming woman suddenly went oddly dark when I mentioned coming over to her place.", Jake stated. After a few months of dating "Donna's way" as Jake put it, he lost interest. "I got tired of trying to figure out what was going on with her," says Jake. "If she wasn't going to tell me why she didn't want me coming over, I was not going to invest myself in figuring it out anymore." Exit Jake.
Yep, it can be like that when we avoid some personal responsibility, or group of personal responsibilities, that we'd rather not pursue. Living within a hoarder's paradise, not regularly cleaning up one's private places and spaces, and/or treating one's residence like a landfill is NOT going to help Donna find someone to share her private life with, just sayin'!
"Billy" has had a heavy duty porn addiction since he was in high school. "I knew it was wrong, because it changed the way I felt about and behaved around women my own age", he claims. Billy hasn't been in a meaningful romantic relationship for years, and he is turning 34 on his next birthday. "People presume I'm gay, and in a way I'd rather have them think that about me than the fact that I can't stop doing porn." Billy has spent thousands of dollars subscribing to various sites involving women he does and does not know in real life. "I just paid $400 to a girl I used to know in high school when I thought it wasn't going to be more than $50!", he laments. Besides draining his savings, Billy recognizes his need to detox and stop using porn as his only coping tool to emotionally regulate himself on demand. "I know now it's no different than going to the casino or doing drugs", Billy says.
So...did Billy take on the personal responsibility of seeking proper intervention and treatment for his porn addiction? He keeps saying "I know I need to do this!", but he hadn't yet pulled the trigger (no pun intended there). It had been recommended that he watch the film "Don Jon" while also finding a 12-step SAA group to join. He was also referred to the classic read "Don't Call It Love" by Patrick Carnes to read, which is available at most libraries. There was no "order" in which he was asked to consider pursuing these recommended options. He just needed to do that something different and report back with his thoughts/feedback regarding what he had chosen to pursue.
When taking the time to just watch a movie and/or read a recommended book becomes a "challenge", one may safely deduce that personal responsibility IS a significant issue for the person choosing to avoid it!
We need to be more personally responsible when we are aware of and/or are clear about our "next steps" to make positive change(s)---and yet we don't pursue even one of those steps. In fact, psychotherapists understand when pursuing personal responsibility IS a significant issue when a client says "Yes, yes, yes!" but does "No! No! No!" in response. That is our literal first clue that something is rotten in Denmark.
In Billy's case, nearly a year passed until he actually watched Don Jon on cable. He contacted his former therapist and claimed to be "blown away" that such a movie had even been made like it. "I thought it was going to be like going to church or something, but it really made me think about how I have been destroying my view of everything and everybody because of porn." Yep, grateful he understood that. He returned to therapy and recently took the book recommendation with him on vacation. Although it took nearly a year for Billy to take action on these suggestions, at least he finally has begun the "active" process of being more personally responsible for his own porn-related detox and recovery.
Whatever it is we need to be more personally responsible about, it begins with our own decision to do something different from what we've been doing. Remember the Blind Melon lyric: "When life is hard, you have to change." No kidding.
Not all personal responsibilities are obviously tangible. "Sue" is married to "Jeff". Jeff doesn't like to talk about anything much outside of his own personal or work-related interests. Sue says she feels like she lives alone, because Jeff rarely wants to talk anyway---let alone to Sue about things that she feels are important. After two years of marriage, Sue is about ready to bail on the relationship before she has kids with Jeff. "I think he's a narcissist", Sue states. "I was talking to a friend of mine and she swears he's one of those." Is he really Sue? Maybe so, maybe not. But the first step is to see if Jeff is willing to come to marital counseling so both parties can get clear and understand each other about the state of their current union. If Jeff resists counseling with Sue, she can certainly pursue counseling for herself as a first step. Ultimately, we either come to accept what is the reality of the situation...or we don't. But to complain about something while at the same time claiming to "accept" it is NOT the way to actively love someone in an honest-enough monagamous and committed relationship.
When we make a lifestyle out of avoiding our own personal responsibility, our future IS going to be bleak. No doubt of it. We can't expect others to ignore what we ourselves are choosing to ignore that we are responsible for every single day! We will end up losing friends, loved ones, and anything else that matters to us because of our own inability to face and take care of what we must face and take care of!
Don't be that person. Don't be that person that spends the rest of your life belly-aching about "This is what happened to me boo hoo hoo!" There are NO excuses. If you are able minded enough and able bodied enough...you CAN do what you are supposed to do each and every day as a fully-grown adult person responsible for your OWN life and well-being!
Until next post...