We already know that nothing stays the same forever. Or at least I hope we do. Everytime I come across clients who eventually admit to a resistance concerning lifestyle change(s), I do understand how upsetting it can be to face this uncomfortable reality of one's own life. It's not easy to make changes of any kind when change keeps being perceived as more threatening and/or frightening rather than freeing. After all, the very idea of "making positive changes" can be extremely challenging when human nature is so highly adverse-vigilant. Given our collective thought life, 90% of what we think about today, we thought about yesterday. And 80% of that content we thought about yesterday and today is still negative in nature! In many ways, we are more doomed to transmit our unresolved pain onto others than we are to be transformed by it by embracing and practicing the positive change process!
This resistance towards change is complicated when someone we love and care about starts making their own positive changes---and we don't like it! Talk about "?!?!?!" moments! I find this dynamic to be extremely common for individuals who finally get and remain sober. We all like to believe that sobriety is universally celebrated once it occurs. No, not always. In fact, many partners and/or other family members become threatened by their newly-sober-statused love one. "He was actually nicer to me when he was high..", "..she didn't bug me so much about stuff that needing doing around the house..", "He was more managable when he was wasted; now he just talks too damn much!"
Yep, it can be like that too when it comes to the change process and how we respond to it...
So let's take a look at "Geoff" and his journey involving the lows and highs of his own positive change process...
Geoff works a lot. Now in his late 50's, Geoff clocks in between 70-91 hours each week at a job he's had for the past five years. Given that Geoff works in the manufacturing industry and his primary job is to make sure nothing interrupts and/or stops the line, Geoff often deals with unwanted and unexpected catastrophies both major and minor on a daily basis. According to Geoff, "I'm Mr. Fixit." When pressed, Geoff says the primary problem at his job is that he doesn't have enough "help", which translates to Geoff having to fix, rescue, and/or save the plant from potentially disasterous consequences on an ad hoc basis. "I keep asking, but managment keeps telling me they're still working on hiring more people for my department", claims Geoff. For Geoff, his typical day is to get to work by 4:30AM and then leave around 5:30PM when things are going smoothly enough. "I've had a few times where I was out of there by 2 or 3PM, but that's been rare", states Geoff.
Geoff, I might add, is paid for his overtime. As such, Geoff is in essence working more than two full-time jobs given the hours he is putting in every week, every month, and every year. Geoff doesn't mind making all that extra money; he's got a great 401K going. It may be difficult for some to lead this kind of life, but for Geoff, he claims to be used to it and actually enjoys it when there are no fires to put out.
So, what's the problem here?
Geoff is not a single man. Geoff is a son, a brother, a husband, a father, a grandfather, and a friend to all who know and love him. Unfortunately, Geoff rarely gets to spend quality time with most everyone in his inner circle because...he is too busy working!
According to Geoff's wife "Judie", Geoff chose to go to work during times when his presence was more than necessary elsewhere. "He missed out on so many important family events over the past 35 years I can't even begin to name them", she says. "Our grandson had to get an emergency appendectomy when he was six and, instead of staying with us in the hospital while he was having the surgery, my husband decides he has to go to work and just left us there!" Judie adds that Geoff doesn't seem to understand how little he can manage in his life outside of his chaotic work schedule and history.
"He will go into work, tells me he hates every minute he spends feeling "stuck" there, and yet come back home 12 or 14 hours later and start yelling at me about where's his dinner or do we really need to fix the back deck it's so damn expensive, etc. etc. In those moments I have felt like I'd rather be alone inside a hole in any wall than be cornered by him and blamed or shamed for God only knows what!"
When asked about this, Geoff admits that when he is under tremendous stress at work, he finds it very difficult to cope with "even one more thing" when he leaves to go home. Geoff doesn't seem to understand how stressful it is, however, for Judie to be married to someone whose behavior she cannot predict once he walks in through the back door. "He will walk into the house and he's either a Sad Sack Poor Me....or he's itching to pick a fight."
Although it may not seem that Geoff's primary issue has to do with resisting positive change, it does. Geoff is a creature of not just habit...but of his own bad habit(s). In spite of the moaning he has done about his job...he continues to do nothing to change his work situation for the better. He hasn't cut back on his hours. There is always another reason why he can't do that. He hasn't sought a job transfer or opportunity somewhere else. As Judie put it, "Geoff is really o.k. with working like he does so long as I serve as his comfort and joy the moment he walks into the house." The problem is that Geoff can't make up his mind about whether to actually free himself up more than he has during the past five years---or not. "What's the use? She's not going to change how I want her to..." Okay then.
What Geoff seems to repeatedly forget is that Judie also works a full time job while trying to maintain connections to her family with or without Geoff...as well as with Geoff's family and her own family of origin. "I am not allowed to have any bad days, because if I do and bring up what happened to me when Geoff gets home after work...he goes off on me saying I'm "too negative". What's the point of staying married if I can't even talk to my husband about what goes on in my life when I have my own bad day? Judie has a point.
Deep diving a bit into Geoff's background, we learn that Geoff's father was absent much of the time during Geoff's childhood. His job took him out of town four days a week. Ding ding buzz buzz! Also, Geoff's mother was very angry very much of the time when Geoff's dad wasn't home. Much of her anger was directed at her son Geoff. Double ding ding buzz buzz! Then, when Geoff's dad was home, he didn't spend much time with Geoff and certainly didn't validate Geoff about much of anything that Geoff did which was positive. "I was on the football team, but he never showed up to any of my games. He knew, however, how to muster up the energy to fight with my mother nearly every night when he was home on the weekends..." states Geoff. Also, Geoff remembers his father constantly calling Geoff a "Nagging Nelly" because of all the complaining Geoff did to his dad once his dad was home for the weekends.
Just as Geoff's dad was a creature of his own dysfunctional and "bad" habits, Geoff learned the same pattern in his own life before meeting and marrying Judie. As Geoff's dad didn't do much else besides travel away from home for his entire business career, Geoff can't imagine working somewhere for "only 40?!" hours each week. And as Geoff's dad died with a whole lot of money that he never got to enjoy himself or with his family, Geoff keeps complaining about how much things cost as he continues to stockpile $$$ for a retirement dream still another decade away. Last but certainly not least, what dad said to Geoff, Geoff now says to his wife whenever she brings up "her" stuff that she wants to discuss and resolve with her husband when he's home with her.
Instead of practicing an appropriate form of "work detox", Geoff found it too stressful. "My therapist suggested that I cut my workday down each day by a minimum of two hours for 30 days. If I cut it down by more than two hours, that was o.k. too...but the key was to keep track of my hours each day for 30 days at first."
When Geoff got through his first 30 days of "work detox", he was surprised to find that his total number of hours "cut" didn't meet the minimum suggested by his therapist. "I thought for sure I would be around 120 or higher---instead I didn't even hit 50."
Geoff began to recognize that his "work" was his primary addiction that he did not want to change, in spite of Judie deciding to move out and pursue a legal separation.
Next post, Part II of "Resisting Positive Change..."