Last post, we read about Geoff who was resisting the change associated with working less and being more available to his wife and family on a regular basis. After five years of clocking in between 70-91 hours each week, Geoff's wife Judie finally had enough. She decided to move out and file for a legal separation.
In Geoff's mind, it was very easy to justify his excessive devotion to work. "The guys are all decent and good people; it's just that we are all expected to do too much and managment isn't budging..." Yeah, and? Geoff cannot see how his work situation has eroded away at Geoff's ability to regulate his own emotions once he leaves the plant to go home at night. "I know I can be crunchy, as my wife likes to call it, but she's gotta understand I'm working non-stop while I am there and I need my home to be my safe zone." Judie agrees with Geoff on this point, yet reminds him that she's not exactly sitting around eating bon bons all day herself. "I don't know if he doesn't understand what I do at my job...or if he just doesn't care", states Judie. "I mean, I tell him I hate what I do too lots of times...but for some reason him hating his job when he does is more of a big deal to him than when I tell him I'm hating my job!"
Good point Judie!
Ultimately, Geoff and Judie's problem had to do with a couple of things: (1) an overly codependent relationship lifestyle and (2) ineffective interpersonal communication. To "solve" their shared problem here, their therapist suggested that Geoff start by taking his earned (and unused) vacation time to take off one week each month to the end of the year. At first Geoff balked at the suggestion. "What do you mean? We don't have any vacation plans! What am I supposed to do if I'm not going anywhere on vacation?" Yeah, that was your therapist's point Geoff! The ability to spend not just one day, but several, without having an "agenda" to pursue minute by minute, hour by hour. Reminding Geoff of Judie's recent decision to move out, perhaps spending some quality time with her during his first week's "vacation" would help open the doors to practicing more effective communication between them as a couple. Their therapist also recommended that they practice a series of skills-building exercises to improve their "acceptance-based" versus "rejection-based" responses when communicating to one another.
It was also recommended that Geoff begin attending weekly W.A. meetings (Yep, there is a 12-step program for workaholics called Workaholics Anonymous!) in his area. Once Geoff read "The Twenty Questions" online to determine whether or not he had a problem with workaholism...he made his decision. Here are W.A.'s Twenty Questions:
1. Are you more drawn to your work or activity than close relationships, rest, etc.?
2. Are there times when you are motivated and push through tasks when you don't even want to and other times when you procrastinate and avoid them when you would prefer to get things done?
3. Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?
4. Are you more comfortable talking about your work than other topics?
5. Do you pull all-nighters?
6. Do you resent your work or the people at your workplace for imposing so many pressures on you?
7. Do you avoid intimacy with others and/or with yourself?
8. Do you resist rest when tired and use stimulants (like coffee, soda, adderall, etc.) to stay awake longer?
9. Do you take on extra work or volunteer commitments because you are concerned that things won't otherwise get done?
10. Do you regularly underestimate how long something will take and then rush to complete it?
11. Do you immerse yourself in activities to change how you feel or to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as grief, anxiety, shame, guilt, and/or loneliness?
12. Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides their own work?
13. Are you afraid that if you don't work hard all the time, you will lose your job and/or be viewed as a failure?
14. Do you fear success, failure, criticism, burnout, financial insecurity, or not having enough time?
15. Do you try to multitask to get more done?
16. Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing what you are doing in order to do something else?
17. Have your long hours caused injury to your health or important-enough relationships?
18. Do you think about work or other tasks while driving, conversing, falling asleep, or sleeping?
19. Do you feel agitated when you are idle and/or hopeless that you'll ever find or be able to achieve work/life balance?
20. Do you feel like a slave to your emails, texts, social media, and/or other technology?
If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, you may be a workaholic. Relax, you are not alone. Many have found recovery through the W.A. fellowship.
Geoff actually answered "yes" to not just 3...but to 16 of the questions presented above. Once this revelation hit Geoff square between the eyes, his resistance to getting help regarding the positive change process lessened.
W.A. meetings are held both in person and online through several platforms all around the world. Geoff committed himself to one meeting each week to start.
Resisting positive changes comes easier than actually taking action to practice positive change. Yet, as I have stated many times in my blog, "When nothing changes, nothing changes."
Geoff has begun his journey to getting and doing better as a person for his own sake--and the sake of his family. Maybe you should too.
Until next post....