I was talking with my hairdresser the other night. She was telling me about a "type" of client she has noticed recently that disturbs her. After she described what was happening with these clients and their children who have gone off to college since graduating high school...I had to create today's post.
"Oh, little Johnny is having such a hard time since he got to State...we door dashed him Taco Bell at midnight the other night because he is just working so HAAARRD on a project that was due the next day!" What. The. Living. Hell?!
Yeah, and that's only the start...
So what's wrong with a couple of parents ordering Taco Bell for their son 75 miles away at midnight and having it door dashed to him in his dorm room? Uh...if you can't figure out the answer to this question...you DO need to keep reading!
It's called toxic codependency. It's called "OMG he/she/they can't live well enough without me!" It's called "He/she/they are so dependent on my level of care...they do NOT know how to manage their own life without me!" It's called "If I keep saving, rescuing, and "fixing" him/her/them when I decide to...I sure do feel good about myself at their own developmental expense!"
If you are one of these parents who is raising your kid to believe that they can't comfortably and accurately identify, analyze, and then solve their OWN problem(s) without your brand of CARE involved (which typically means you doing for them what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves without you!)...you are crippling their ability to become functionally competent as a person. Do you not realize that yet? Are you that blinded by your own need to keep chasing after and experiencing your kid's acceptance, approval, and love? Give me a break!
This would be like never teaching your kid how to speak English...but then expecting them to be forever grateful AND dependent on you for all the years spent doing all of their communication with others for them! No, that's not love. That's toxic codependency. As I typed that, I had to chuckle. I still know families who do this as first-generation immigrants to this country. Have you not met these folks yet? The kids learn English in school...but have been trained to do all the "talking" in English for their parents who...in fact...never take the time to learn English because WHY SHOULD THEY?! They have found their "interpretor" without even wondering how the interpretor feels about it! Sheesh!
I don't know...maybe toxic codependency is one of those topics that parents actively avoid learning about because once they actually understand what it is---they would feel the deepest of genuine shame and guilt about how they have raised their child(ren) with it as a chosen relationship lifestyle! Let me give you some examples of what adult children have shared in therapy to validate if what their parent/step parent(s) did was actually an act of genuine parental love and care versus genuine toxic codependency:
"My mother kept insisting to be in the delivery room when I was about to have our first baby. I told her I felt very uncomfortable with that suggestion, but she wouldn't let up. Eventually, I had to have my husband's mom serve as our bodyguard to keep her contained in the family waiting room the night I delivered..."
"My father told me that if I didn't give up on my idea of becoming a concept artist, he wasn't going to contribute a dime towards my college education. So I got a job literally as a janitor on campus of my chosen school. It took a while, but I was eventually offered full time work there and the tuition reimbursement benefit. It took me way longer to get my degree, but at least I did it on my own instead of in the way my father tried to derail me."
"My parents hated my girlfriend. She wasn't the right type for me they said. They were rude to her everytime we went there together for family events. Did I mention also that my mother would still invite my old girlfriend to these parties as if that was perfectly acceptable. We finally figured out that it was best for us to not show up at all than to be disrespected and my girlfriend treated like a nobody."
"My mother refused to go to our wedding because my fiance was divorced and had a four year old son. She kept threatening to keep my wife and her son out of her will once we got married, which she certainly did do by the time she died 30 years later!"
"I know I go to my mother for everything. Babysitting....what brand of dishwasher does she think I should get...what to do when I don't feel well or the baby is sick. I understand I lean on her way too much for all my decisions, but I truly trust her. I really do. Am I a toxic codependent?"
"My husband ran around on me and did all sorts of bad things throughout our ten years together. He kept telling me I was imagining things and was paranoid about what he did when we weren't together. After I contracted an STI, he actually blamed it on me. Because we had five children, I stayed. After he got one of his girlfriend's pregnant and I got a letter from her about that, I still wonder who was the bigger toxic codependent person...him or me?
"My father used to weigh me every morning to make sure I didn't gain any weight as a model. Did I mention it was while I was nude? Did I mention he's a pastor? Did I mention that after I got married I had a very hard time being sexual with my own husband? My father is dead now, but I'm sure there's a special corner in hell that he occupies because of the ways he ruined me..."
"My parents can't handle me being away at college. They really can't. Either they have a crap marriage and I just never really noticed until now...or they don't have anything else to obsess about besides what I'm doing every day or night. My father will randomly show up with these "care packages" of stuff I didn't even ask for, let alone need. My mother is constantly texting me. If I didn't know better, I would tell you they are addicted to me no kidding. Are they addicted to me?"
As you may have been able to ascertain, toxic codependency rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways in our "important enough" relationships when it is present. People are not equal. People are never equal when we are enslaved by the codependent relationship lifestyle. People are mere objects to use...or be used by. In fact, toxic codependency is never about genuine "love" and genuine "care"; it's about people addiction! We become addicted to certain people in certain of our real or imagined relationships...and expect (or demand!) the same in return (that he/she/they become addicted to us!).
Wow, what a hot mess!
Next post, Part II of Toxic Codependency in Real Life...