Natasha Bedingfield wrote a song back in 2009 entitled "Soulmate". When I heard it for the first time, I thought it was brilliant. However, I also thought it perpetuated a belief that is not so easily realized while we are here on earth. Think about all of the people you feel most closely connected to right now. Your list may include your parent(s), your sibling(s), your child(ren), other extended family members...and then your "chosen" family of closest friends you've developed and cultivated throughout your life thus far.
Great!
Now, ask yourself "why" these individuals are the ones you feel most closely connected to. It isn't enough to say "But he's my dad!" or "She's my wife!". No, I am asking that you dive deeper than that. What makes you actively love, and feel actively loved by, these folks? And of that group you feel very close to, who among them are, in your own opinion, worthy of "soulmate" status...?
So let's talk about what constitutes the foundational elements that make for best friendship and/or "soulmate" status between any two people.
"Rosie" fell for "Nico" as soon as she first met him in high school math class. He was darkly handsome, seemed very friendly as she observed him in class, and even smiled at her when they made eye contact that first day. Of course, Nico was unaware of Rosie's thought life, but there it was. She was smitten. For the next several weeks, Rosie made a point to say "Hi!" to Nico when she passed him in the halls or anywhere else on campus. Rosie told her best friend "Jinco" that she felt Nico was her true soulmate. "I just know he is; nobody has ever made me feel this way before. It's him. He's the one I'm meant to be with for life.", claimed Rosie.
"Sam" met "Maria" at the restaurant where they both worked as servers. Sam was married and 28 years old. Maria was 16 and never had a boyfriend up to that point in her life. Sam told his coworker "Phil" that he thought Maria was hot for a teenage kid and too bad he was married. Phil warned Maria to stay away from Sam because he was a player by nature. Maria thought it all a joke. She had no idea how old Sam was, but it was gross to think someone so old would even notice her, let alone say something so weird to Phil about her. And then Sam started doing Maria small favors at work. He gave her his bigger tables when she didn't have any; he ran her food for her when she got busy. On her birthday, she found a $50 bill in her coat pocket with a small note stapled to it that said "You're the best!" It wasn't signed, but that money wasn't there when she went to work earlier that day. Over time....Maria started seeing Sam differently. He was really nice! He seemed to understand her. He was becoming a good friend...
"DeeDee" and "Chuck" have lived together for the last ten years. Chuck believes that DeeDee will not make it without him. She doesn't have any savings, her car is always one step away from the junkyard, and she has no other family besides Chuck. Both had met each other when they were homeless and living in a squat with three other people in Royal Oak. At first, they helped each other out pooling the spare change they made panhandling. Cigarettes for DeeDee one day....Red Bulls for Chuck the next. It took them about a year to find a place that would hire both of them, but they did it. They stayed working at that place until Chuck found a better job at a local factory. It took another year before he was able to get DeeDee a job at the same location. Now, after ten years...Chuck is tired and feels like he merely exists from day-to-day with no real hope for his own future. As for DeeDee, Chuck doesn't want to be responsible for her life falling apart without him. "I'm her soulmate", says Chuck. "Without me, she's toast."
"Drew" and "Missy" are about to get married. Their wedding is planned for this Christmas. "He loves me SO much!" states Missy. "Nobody gets me better than Drew and I thank God everyday for him because we are so much alike in every way more than I ever dreamed possible!" she gushes. Drew feels much the same about Missy. "She makes me want to be a better man AND she loves football!", he says. "I never was so motivated in my life to give her everything I can so we can be happy together for the rest of our lives." When asked if they felt like each other's soulmate, they both instantly responded: "YES! Of course we are!"
Do the scenarios described above seem to contain the foundational elements that makes for best friendship status and, ultimately, soulmate status? What do you think?
Too often, we confuse the codependent relationship lifestyle with best friendship status. Read some of my past blogs on codependency if you are not sure what that means. In a nutshell, everyone is an object, nobody is an equal. There is no real mutual respect. Instead, everything between two people keeps getting reduced down to "Who is the giver now?" versus "Who is the taker now?". There is no authentic and consistent honesty; whatever is said or shared is for the purpose of getting what I want from you...and/or giving to you whatever you want so you will come to depend on me more than you do on yourself. The relationship is highly transactional. Loving sacrifice doesn't figure into anything with codependency except in the context of using it to gain control over or manipulate your chosen person or group.
When we are authentically best friends with someone, we both work consistently to understand...and to be understood...by each other. We like/love and accept each other, warts and all, while at the same time understanding we are all works in progress until we die. We are all about living in the truth, not in the lies, delusions, catastrophic paranoid and fictional scenarios, and/or our own inflated and egocentric versions of reality. When we disagree with each other, we always follow the (1) Discuss, (2) Mutually Understand, (3) Negotiate, and (4) Compromise method of solving and/or resolving our issues and problems. There is no emotional hostage taking or standoffs involved. We do our work to negotiate and compromise "everything" that requires it. We work to achieve "win/win" outcomes for both parties involved rather than "win/lose", "lose/win", or "lose/lose". And when we don't get what we want, we accept it as an act of loving sacrifice on our part and our chosen partner/friend/family member understands and acknowledges that act of loving sacrifice acccordingly...
We practice saying what we mean, mean what we say, don't say it mean, and say it on time always to the right person(s) we need to share our message(s) with. We expect the same in return, always.
When we avoid doing the work of effectively communicating with others to share our authentic thoughts, feelings, beliefs, joys, sorrows, dreams, and heartbreaks....we can only attract future cellmates into our lives rather than people who truly care for themselves---and for us.
Take a peek into your own inner circle. Who is there who encourages, inspires, and motivates you while respecting your freedom to choose your own path? And how do you rate yourself given the people who would call you their own "best friend" and/or "soulmate"? Are you worthy of that status? Why or why not?
Before you jump to describe yourself or someone you love and care about as a "soulmate", be sure you know what you are talking about. Otherwise, you may be inflating your highly codependent relationship into something it is not---and can never be.
Until next post...