Everybody is codependent. That's the first thing. You may not realize it, but you are. How do I know? Ask yourself exactly "who" you can't live without?
If you have even just one person in your life that you can't live without...you are codependent! And believe me, confusing the codependent relationship lifestyle with "love" is a common mistake ALL codependent people make. Love is not codependency. Codependency is not love. And this "revelation" dear reader....is just for starters. Read on to find out how the codependent relationship lifestyle is a toxic killer of both your most important personal relationship(s)...and of your ability to genuinely "love bond" with your own chosen person(s)!
"Possessed" is a 1940s film starring Joan Crawford and Van Heflin. For a film that old..it depicts how codependency can look like between a person who "can't live without" someone else---and that someone else who isn't all that invested in the relationship to begin with. Never forget, "He who cares the least controls the most!"
While watching the film it becomes very apparent early on that the Van Heflin character likes playing around with lil 'ol Joan sexually speaking....but he's not interested in a long-term commitment with her. Oh geez, why not she REALLY does love him! Well, as he states in the film, he's really not cut out for marriage. If she sticks around, great. If not, no big deal to him. There'll always be another bus passing by him and interested in entering his so-called love life sooner or later.
Who has not experienced this type of relationship dynamic in their own life? Has someone ever been "addicted" to you as a romantic interest and/or as a much wanted "official" boyfriend or girlfriend to you once you started dating? If not, you have a lot to learn by reading today's blog post! Not judging...just saying! Sadly, too many people ignore the red flags and the signals of "Danger! Danger!" until they can notice whatever they need(ed) to in hindsight.
Until you have been the focus of someone's addiction (aka their chosen object of desire!), you will not understand what it feels like to have someone else up your nose like a rubber hose as often as he/she/they can insert themselves into your day-to-day life. Of course, there will be those who are extremely flattered by such "devotion" and "loyalty" and "desire"; these folks are either first-timers to this type of "bonding" relationship dynamic---or they are seasoned professional (and malignant) narcissists. No, I am not kidding!
As first-time go rounders who have never before been the object of someone else's codependent ways, of COURSE it feels real good to have someone constantly telling you how great you are, how you are their "soulmate", their "gift from God", and whatever else they say or do to make you feel like you're the King or Queen of his/her/their lives---if you so choose to be!
The feelings that accompany such flattery and focus can be truly intoxicating to a first-timer who is clueless to the differences between genuine "love bonding" and toxic "codependent bonding". In fact, I would venture to say that the VAST majority of divorces, estranged relationships, and other forms of relationship bust-ups have to do with THIS issue of who was addicted to who first---and then what happened to him/her/them as a couple over time.
After all, nobody is taught to comfortably serve another when they have become more comfortable with being served by another! In the codependent flip-flop dance of relationships...a person can start out treating you like a King or a Queen. Then when you give yourself over to them (be it in marriage, or sexually, or agreeing to opening a business with them, etc. etc.), the script between you two can flip suddenly and without any explanation(s) attached. "We started out so well and she was truly a lovely person who showered me with acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts! I couldn't believe I finally found her as and how I did. But once I married her, I never knew a woman who could be so angry, so explosive, so needy! It was like she changed her entire personality once we got married!" Yeah well...don't say this post doesn't serve as a warning if you happen to be riding in that boat right now...
When a person is "into" being the object of someone else's addiction (plan the work, then work the plan!) ..they genuinely DO like it like that and work it like that! The end-game goal(s) of malignant narcissists may not be clear or even identifiable for a very long time...but it's always there. I've heard it hundreds of times in sessions over the past 20 years. "I just wanted to have kids...so I married him!" "I knew what I wanted out of her and her family...and I got it!" "I just needed a beard; who is going to question a man like me when I am married to a successful nurse with a great reputation in our community?" "His father told me I could work at his company and climb the corporate ladder if I "stuck around" and remained connected to his son.." Wow. Okay then! You see what I mean? Malignant narcissists don't play. They know what they want...and how to go about getting it. Collateral damage is of no interest to the malignant narcissist. "As long as I'm good...that's all that really matters here!" He/she/they knows what is wanted but can only be gained through their certain relationships of choice. A very simple example would be the alcoholic who chases after the daughter of a liquor store magnate. Or a woman who agrees to marry a man whose wife just died and left him with three kids under the age of six...and a multi-million dollar payout from a massive life insurance policy.
This is a hard topic to read about, let alone comprehend fully. In truth, the most beautiful type of relationships in life (love-bonded and yet interdependent!) are extremely challenging and involve a tremendous amount of hard work to achieve! Think about that. It is easier to operate under the guise of being and feeling "addicted" to someone else than it is to treat them as an authentic EQUAL and with genuine RESPECT in relation to ourselves! That level of fundamental equality and respect needs to be experienced and flowing back and forth between both parties--not just one way!
This reality is highly disturbing to face for the "people addict" who can't see past his/her/their own nose when it comes to the formation of their own important-enough relationships. "Oh look! There is she is! My future best friend! My future soulmate! My future indentured servant! The future father of my children!" "My future business partner!" "My future caregiver when I get too old to care for myself!" Blah-de-blah-blah-BLAH! We just can't help it! We are so codependent by nature as human beings....we don't even know what any of this all means until we get into therapy or start reading books or join an Alanon and/or Codependents Anonymous group before we wake up to ourselves!
Now...let's talk about grandparents and their grandchildren. Newsflash: there are grandmas and grandpas, nonos and nonas, mawmaws and pawpaws...who are genuinely "addicted" to one or more of their grandkids. This isn't good. What do you think it will teach your grandchild(ren) over time as they grow older? Oh yes, that's right! It teaches them to be the 2.0 version of codependent as they grow into adulthood themselves! Remember the saying, "You don't teach someone else to comfortably serve another when they have become more comfortable being served by another..." Never forget that...because it IS the truth!
Until next post, which will be a continuation on this topic of "Codependent Much?"