Yep, that about summarizes the battle cry of the malignant narcissist. "Engage in the world as I govern it, or suffer the consequences!" Who knew? Now you do....
With so much being bandied about regarding the dreaded term "narc" on Tik Tok, Instagram, and other social media platforms...do we really understand what it is like to be engaged in our own life with a malignant narcissist? We are all narcissistic to some degree. If you are human, you've suffered narcissistic injury, period. Nobody skips that reality of life on planet earth. Nobody receives just the right amounts of understanding, validation, acceptance, encouragement, inspiration, loving kindness, forgiveness, and wisdom from the time of their own birth. Of course not! Parents are people too. They screw up. They do too much of one thing and not enough of the other. They stare instead of care. Like the rest of us, they are flawed humanity at its best and worst.
Having said this, is it any wonder why we can come to believe, truly and deeply, that we are hopeless, worthless, beyond redemption, and a big mistake of life in the general sense? When we are treated like we really don't matter, that we are totally inadequate, and/or that we have no real value or purpose for our life---and then we treat ourselves the very same way as we grow older---it IS very difficult to climb up and out of that pit of personal despair when these experiences keep repeating themselves. Am I wrong? I remember hearing about a local man who was asked the very night before he died whether or not he thought he'd go to be with God when he died. His answer was, "Oh no! I'm going to Hell for sure!" After a brief discussion, this man truly believed that he had done so much that was so bad in his life---that there was no way any God of any kind would welcome into Eternity. In this way, this man believed he knew better than God how God actually operates. Talk about malignant narcissism taking to the Nth degree! Yikes o.k. whatever you say Boss! :-P
I am consistently saddened by the people I meet through my work who do genuinely view themselves as "the worst!" when compared to their fellow humans. Malignant narcissists would get nowhere if not for the malignant martyrs they keep attracting. Stop now and re-read that last sentence about 100 times okay? Thank you! It may feel real good and real validating to "make" a malignant narcissist actually demonstrate some care and compassion towards you after you've basically run yourself over multiple times for him/her/them...but it won't last. It never lasts. Like a meme I recently read so aptly put it, "If you are bit by a snake, your job is to get the poison out, and heal. It is NOT to go back and catch the snake, find out the reason why it bit you, and then try to prove to it why you didn't deserve it! Yep, that would represent an epic fail. Correct? You tell me!
Malignant martyrs started out as true victims of true injustice. That's a given. How can you learn how to play the "good" victim/giver to all unless you have had lots of practice with being victimized against your will? When martyrs become malignant, they look for the drama/trauma/chaos/crisis/mayhem without even consciously being aware that they are doing it! I just heard the other day about a couple of young people who left a bar one night and just happened to "drive" to the sketch side of town to...??? To what??! Two hours and two homeless guys later---they sure had a "story", but at what price the story?! Malignant martyrs in this way are completely clueless as to how they genuinely are addicted to the D-word DRAMA!
Being with a malignant narcissist isn't so complicated to figure out once you have been on the receiving end of his/her/their disappointment/anger/rage/resentment/bitterness one too many times over. If a person really does believe that you can change if you are intimidated often enough and over a long enough period of time...what does that say about you? Forget about the other person who is engaging in the tactics to convince you to comply; what does that say about you? Oh yes, that's right! It says you do not believe in YOURSELF enough to treat yourself like the precious child of God that you are while you are here to live your own life!
Today will be a good day when you choose to make it one. Figuring out who treats you like an option instead of an equal is pretty much Step 1 of the inside-out transformation process. When you are addicted to certain people who keep treating you like you work for them...that's a huge red flag o.k.? Also, that's what we psychotherapists are for; to assist YOU on your healing and recovery journey! Choose wisely! ;-)
Until next post...