When we are all about avoiding personal responsibility as a lifestyle, it is very difficult to discern what exactly we are avoiding---let alone why. After all, who wants to finally recognize and then admit to themselves, "Geez! I really AM a huge slob and I have to get myself together here!" I mean, let's face it: it is SO much easier to ignore uncomfortable truths about ourselves. As has been presented many times in my past blog posts, it is MUCH easier to swallow a comfortable lie than it is an uncomfortable truth!
I am reminded of my first roommate situation and how one roommate had cats. Never having grown up with a pet, I had no clue how cats were to be cared for as part of a shared residence. However, I did finally figure out that cats are not supposed to poop on top of the ironing board or at the bottom of an empty bathtub. So, I learned. I learned to keep all of my stuff locked up in my bedroom and whenever I found cat doo doo outside my bedroom, I cleaned it up as best I could while I lived there.
I lasted in that situation about three months before I got my own place. What did it for me was when I couldn't locate the source of a bad smell coming from one side of the house. When I finally was able to investigate, I noticed an Air Wick solid had been positioned next to the cat poop on the floor beside it. After that incident, I did what I had to do to dip out. And I've never owned one or more cats ever since obtw! ;-)
What happened to that roommate? I have no idea. Yet I hope she still doesn't utilize the Air Wick solid method of cat poop management.
Some people are addicted to avoiding whatever personal responsibilities they do because they found someone else to fill the gap on their behalf. The adult son or daughter who boomeranged back into a family member's home...and now lives there for free or very cheap rent. I understand offering a hand up when someone is down; it's quite another story when the motivating force behind such a decision is a desire to avoid personal responsibility....or a new unfamiliar one! Grant it, this is where our codependent givers come out of the woodwork to friendly offer themselves as a source of supply and refuge to their kids, their friends, their other extended family members...and whomever else sweeps down asking for "help". Funny how that works isn't it? Codependent givers can't wait to lay hands on you by playing Jesus in your life when you need his/her/their "help". However, you'll be in a pickle when he/she/they decide they are sick of giving to you and your gravy train comes to a sudden stop. Both parties are left feeling angry, hurt, confused, guilty, ashamed, and lonely. No surprise there. When we won't and don't care for ourselves as we are capable of through successfully managing our own personal responsibilities....other people do pay the price for that choice!
I heard yesterday of a woman my own age who lived in a huge house in a lovely area---and she paid just $350 a month rent since she arrived. The owners spend eight months out of every year in Florida, so this tenant has/had full run of the house during those eight months. She lived with her landlords for about five years in this way, until a sick relative of one of the owners joined them about a year ago. Because the tenant grew quickly intolerant of the "favors" being expected of her by the owner and his family member (mostly errand running), she decided to move out. Now she is paying $950/month living in a "cheap" apartment in another town several miles away---and is currently most annoyed by the local "littles" (kids) who surround her in the same building. I don't know about you, but if I got to live for five years in a 4,000 sq. ft. home for only $350 a month, I'd be doing the grateful to God dance every single day AND I would have saved enough by year five to buy my own house once I left that situation. How about you?
Avoiding personal responsibility plays out in so many various and assorted ways. The person who just doesn't "do" their personal hygiene on a consistent basis is a typical example. Gen Z...listen to me now! Unless one is dealing with a major mental illness (like those involving psychosis!)...there really isn't any excuse to avoid showering, brushing one's teeth, washing one's hair, using deodorant, and wearing clean clothing on a daily basis. In high school, I had a friend who thought it was cool to not shave at all and shower only once or twice a week. He thought he was a lumbersexual; the rest of us who knew him thought otherwise. Yes, you DO SMELL BAD when you do not make sure that you are clean and that the clothes you have on your body are also clean each day. No magic there. My hairdresser once told me of a teenager who hadn't washed his hair in months and came to her salon expecting service. She turned him away, but made sure he understood why before he left. No kidding.
One of the primary reasons why we avoid personal responsibility, in whatever form or fashion that takes is because we are undiagnosed and untreated for deficits in our executive functioning skills. This means that our executive functioning is "off" in ways that prevent us from managing our own activities of daily living (ADLs) in a balanced-enough manner over time. So instead of spending most of our time doing what we love most or "want" to do repeatedly---we figure out that other responsibilities we have DO suffer when we neglect them---and/or neglect them for long enough. When planning, prioritizing, and organizing ourselves represents another area of executive functioning that isn't working quite right, that's how we can end up getting nothing done (really!) to advance ourselves from dreaming to doing----so as to achieve our dreams in a timely enough manner. "Yeah, I will finish my bachelor's one day...I just need more time..." (Said after year eight since "taking a break" from college..!)
When we avoid managing the "small stuff" in our lives that we are personally responsible for, why is it surprising when we wake up one day and realize that we are suddenly "old"(er!) and we are feeling quite angry, resentful, and bitter about what didn't happen that we expected to happen in a "good" way for us by this time in life? I am reminded of the people who "hate" doctors and then when they finally go after years of resistence, they find themselves in the middle a catastrophic medical diagnosis that could have been avoided with regular preventative exams! Don't get me started on teeth. I knew of a man who was always faithful about his dental hygiene...until he stopped seeing the dentist for annual cleanings and exams. His teeth fell out within three years time. Yikes. This personal responsibility thing is huge. Avoiding it only hurts us most in the end.
Recently, someone was telling me how their girlfriend broke up with them because she couldn't handle his weed habit, which of course managed his anxiety for him but sure did not work to motivate him to do much else besides smoke and hang out with her. "I thought she was the one, but she just isn't", he told me. Later that same day, I ran into the 50 year old version of this guy when I ran into someone I knew 30 years ago when we first moved to this area. I asked him how he was doing, his response was "Same as always." He wasn't kidding. Instead of weed, which he used to do a lot of back then, he drinks now to manage his chronic anxiety. Always a nice guy, but still focused on his addictions to pleasure while at the same time avoiding his own personal responsibilities. When I asked where he was living now, he indicated he hasn't moved in 30 years; parents' basement. Why was I not surprised by his response?
Maybe this is your year to talk to someone about what it is you need to do to improve the quality of your own life while being more appropriately responsible for your own life at the same time? Why not try it? You may like feeling empowered rather than embittered....
Until next post....