This post, let's look at the remaining three A's we need to practice in order to actively love ourselves...
Appreciation:
Appreciation?! How does one go about appreciating oneself? That just sounds strange! Well, it's not. We know how to appreciate others when we do, don't we? What do you say or do when you appreciate someone else? If you are thinking right now of all the "Thank you!"'s or "That meant a lot to me!"'s that you have said to various friends and family members over the years---your "A" of Appreciation may need some further development!
Appreciation does not just involve saying words of "thanks" (basically) and that's all there is to it. Appreciation is what we say and do to validate, affirm, and confirm one's very existence as being welcome in the world---and in our own life. Think of appreciation as a form of gratitude. You are thankful, but you are thankful for so much more than just some random act of kindness or some "favor" that has been granted to you.
When we appreciate ourselves as an act of actively loving, we are grateful for our existence...we are grateful for the gifts AND challenges we have been given....we are grateful for the many blessings and lessons we have experienced in our lives thus far. Are you catching my drift here? We move away from cynicism, pessimism, and general negativity...and instead give ourselves permission to see our life's experiences, in their totality, as a series of situations, circumstances, and events we can be grateful for. We are also grateful for the "severe mercies" that occur in our lives that are not necesssarily welcome or wanted...but that are used to teach us valuable life lessons anyway.
I just was talking to someone who is nearly 80 years old and has, as part of his own life experiences, kept selecting the "wrong" partner. He has been married and divorced several times...and his current girlfriend of over 10 years is quite a "pistol", as he puts it. In spite of being grateful for his relationship with God, his health, his friendship relationships, etc.---he can't understand why he is allowing this latest girlfriend to stick around when she is so aggressively abusive. After some discussion, he began to understand that he has been repeating what his own upbringing taught him about marriage and male/female relationship dynamics. His mother was the compliant type; his father was rarely home yet, when he was, everything had to go his way 100% of the time. Okay then! Not wanting to subconsciously repeat what he learned growing up---this man has spent the past 60+ years involving himself with women who may have started out behaving just like his mother, but ended up behaving just like his father...or worse. When he began to practice the A of Appreciation in his own life, he began to see himself as so much more than his girlfriend's sex partner and/or on-demand ATM machine. He also began to see his girlfriend as so much more than his sex partner and/or touchstone protecting him from his own core fears of loneliness and abandonment. Ultimately, he released her from their traumatic bond to one another. It was the greatest favor he did her and himself both. No couple gets anywhere good when both parties are reducing each other down to object status for the purpose of using...or being used by. That's the truth of it.
Affection:
Showing oneself affection as an A of actively loving, means taking care of yourself as if you are functioning as your own best friend. When you are HALTTS (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, thirsty, sad, and/or sick)...you "do" what you need to do to remedy your situation sooner than later! You don't "wait" to take care of yourself mind, body, spirit, and in the context of your social life and relationships. So often, we are the best at (sadly!) neglecting ourselves. How is that practicing Affection when we treat ourselves like we don't deserve "care", let alone the level of care we are perfectly capable of providing to ourselves on a daily basis?
Remember as kids (or even as adults!) when you knew you needed to go the bathroom, but you did not? In fact, by the time you remembered to "go", you may have already went (in your pants!)...or felt like your teeth were about to float away from the pressure on your bladder! So...what was up with that? Sorry, but there is NO "life event" that trumps going to the bathroom when you have the initial urge to go! Showing ourselves affection means that we are aware of our own bodily sensations, our emotional needs, our spiritual hunger, etc.---and do NOT keep ignoring them!
By the time we get good enough at practicing Affection towards ourselves in our daily lives, we really do feel our best because we are at our best from the inside out!
Allowing:
Allowing means that you are free to be yourself without having to function as someone else's "Yes!" person/people pleaser because you are too fearful of saying what you mean, meaning what you say, not saying it mean, and saying it to who you need to say it to at the right time.
As a culture, we fail abysmally at this Allowing "A" of actively loving. We do NOT allow each other to be who we truly are. Grant it, sometimes the worst advice you can give a person is to say "Be Yourself!" because they are truly and genuinely a train wreck. I understand that. This convo isn't about "that" faction of people. I am talking here about people who don't have an axe to grind with society to the point of cancelling you if you don't say exactly what they expect you to say about A, B, C, or D on demand. Sheesh when I think about how I could have gone off on the whole wide world as a younger person every time my height and voice were mentioned (I am nearly 6' tall and I sing tenor o.k.?), I'd have spent a lot of years in Huron Valley for crimes against humanity, o.k? So please don't tell me how micromanaging others "works" to help myself allow myself to be "me" as is. That's a fool's game! Yet, we live in a world full of fools these days just like we always did!
So, train wreck population aside, Allowing ourselves to be who we are means that we no longer live in fear of what others think, what others might say, what others do or don't do, and what others believe. For example, I will no longer worry when we spend time together whether you are a Democrat, or a Republican, or an Independent, or a Green candidate. You do you boo, and I do me. How about that? We can always agree to disagree, but when we are willing to go to war over it, we both got a big problem!
Allowing is about personal freedom and not being held captive to any given "group" that attempts to dictate how we think, feel, and behave because he/she/they say so!
In conclusion, the 5 A's of actively loving yourself is possible. You can start your own practice this very day! You'll be better for it over time. You are worth the work. So do your work!
Until next post...