My clients often tell me about series on Netflix or HBO that they suggest I watch. I do often use films as an adjunct to psychotherapy. Many times, a good movie will bring the points home that have been discussed in my office....
So, enter Baby Reindeer. It's on Netflix now; it's a series created by a UK comedian about his own experiences as a twenty-something struggling to make it in his industry of choice. Ironically, the man who wrote the series also stars in it as himself. That person is Richard Gadd. In the series, his character's name is "Donny Dunn".
Since the series came out, all sorts of stuff has happened in response to it. Until you watch Baby Reindeer, in its entirety, you may want to skip this post (spoiler alerts!) until after you've finished it. You have been warned....
In a nutshell, Baby Reindeer is a complete s*itshow. Totally. "Donny" is desperate for attention, validation, and noteriety as a wanna-be comic. Unfortunately, he's not that good; in fact, he sucks. He gets a job behind the bar at some random drinking establishment in London to make ends meet. Enter "Martha".
"Martha" initially presents as someone who is lonely, in need of attention and validation (not unlike Donny), and who appears to glom onto Donny quickly after he extends her a kindness (a free cup of tea as she had no money to pay for her drink). She repeatedly returns to the bar after their initial meeting to talk with Donny during his shifts; she also starts flirting with Donny and, in essence, behaves as if she's found her long lost bff.
In spite of Donny claiming to feel sorry for Martha, he does engage in some covert and overt breadcrumbing. He flirts back with her, he sets up going out with her outside the bar. He even secretly goes by her home to find out where she lives. He "friends" her on Facebook (big mistake!) after he's literally observed online that she is more emotionally unstable than not. By the time the smoke clears and the dust settles, Donny has been dragged through a whole lot of drama because Martha has chosen to stalk him...and stalk him real good.
In real life, "Martha" has come out since the series began, and only recently appeared on the UK talk show Piers Morgan to say her peace about what's happened to her since viewers figured out her identity. She wants to be left alone; her life has been made a living hell. She really is a lawyer....etc. etc. etc. In other words, viewers who saw the series and felt protective of "Donny" went looking to stalk "Martha" in real life. Like rabid dogs on the only bone in town, "Martha" hasn't (in her words) been left alone since.
Instead of lying low until viewers moved on to the next big drama (Remember Tiger King anybody?), "Martha"decided she will sue Netflix, sue Richard Gadd, and sue whomever else who defamed her good name thanks to Baby Reindeer.
To be clear, the series is described as a fictionalized account of true events, which translated means that Richard Gadd and his Neflix writers could add or delete whatever they wanted to each and every character's background information and behavior pattern(s)/character interactions as presented in the series. However, the real "Martha" isn't having it. She wants $11M pounds, or at least that is what she claimed she wanted last time I checked online. She also wanted $1M for appearing on Piers Morgan, but Piers has since made it clear that's not happening.
I have found out only today that Netflix and Gadd did use actual excerpts from "Martha's" text messages to Gadd from her iPhone in the Reindeer series. If she knew how to spell (which she does NOT!)...perhaps the Gadd groupies wouldn't have found "Martha" as quickly as they did. Yikes take note people! When we can find and identify the actual person online based on their inability to spell properly, Big Brother is no longer the stuff of mere fantasy!
Besides this whole "Martha" thing, there's another seriously dramatic and traumatic chapter regarding Donny's life at that time. He was groomed, drugged, and sexually assaulted on several occassions by an older male "mentor" figure working within the industry Donny so wanted to be a part of. That portion of the series was extremely difficult for me to watch, because it shows how desperate Donny was to find a mentor-like figure who took a professional interest in him. He also kept going back to "Darrien" after the initial rape as if continued sexual abuse would somehow lead to a more positive outcome for Donny? Who knows!? Very very sad to see Donny going back for more abuse, that is for sure!
In spite of what Donny suffered at the hands of "Darrien", people in real life don't seem to be as fixated on identifying the "real" Darrien as they have the "real" Martha. Go figure. This sex abuse issue represents the last taboo of course among males who have been sexually molested and/or assaulted by other males. #MeToo make way for the uptick in males who (I hope!) will become more publicly vocal about the sexual exploitation of boys and men by other boys and men in whatever capacity it occurs. I hope Richard Gadd will be inspired to find his tribe in this regard---and then do more to stop this particular scourge on same-sex relationships. If not, then the true tragedy of Baby Reindeer is that male-on-male sexual predators will still get away with what they do and nobody will do anything much to stop them once and for all.
When I finished the series, I could only hope and pray that Richard Gadd is continuing to do his own work to heal, to make positive changes in his own life, and to move past all that trauma he experienced so many years ago. He keeps saying publicly that he didn't want his audience to look for "Martha" or for "Darrien"...but that's a bit too late now for Martha, since she outted herself by appearing on Piers Morgan. As for "Darrien", some industry insiders are saying "everybody knows" who Darrien is...and then any specific details falls off the cliff regarding his actual identity.
Oh yes, and there was a brief period of time in the series when Donny starts a dating relationship with a trans psychotherapist...but nobody seems interested in finding or identifying the "real" her since the series debuted.
So, what's the point of today's blog post? Well, there are a few. First, be sure you know what your purpose is before you put content out there that can ricochet back and hit you smack between the eyeballs---and not in a good way. I doubt that Richard Gadd ever imagined "Martha" rising from the dead like she has and with a vengeance. Second, if you are a sexual abuse and/or assault survivor, do NOT keep your mouth shut and basically do nothing legally in response to what happened to you. I remember reading the other day about a woman who saved the clothes she wore in a plastic bag (after all these years!) after allegedly being sexually assaulted by a celebrity who is only now being outted for his conduct over the last several years. Whether DNA can be extracted from those clothes all these years later, I have no idea. All I do know is that it's better to contact the police immediately after a sexual assault so that all the right protocol can be administered to help identify and then eventually prosecute the guilty party(s).
Last, people are indeed capable of saying and doing all sorts of unbelievable things when they are desperate for what they want and that they haven't yet received. And even if they have received a bit or some of what they so badly want, that's no guarantee that he/she/they will stop doing the self-destructive thing and do the right(er) thing(s) instead. We all know how to do bad all by ourselves. We just haven't quite learned how to stop doing bad until we are forced to.
If you or someone you love and care about has been a victim of a sexual assault and/or molestation-based relationship, please call 1-800-656-HOPE. This line is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Trained staff will help guide you in what you can do to empower yourself and reclaim your life.
As a P.S., I also hope the real "Martha" gets whatever help and support she needs to get herself back on track, wherever that track may be located....
Until next post...