We are all codependent. That's the first thing. I know you may not know what that is or means, but if you have read my blog for a while, you understand. From as far back as humanity goes, codependency was there as a lifestyle. What is codependency? It is people addiction. Not to "all" people per se, but to certain people we are addicted to----and to certain people we want to have addicted to us. That's it. Very simple. That's all you need to know for now....
So...what do you think most MOTIVATES the codependent person who is addicted to his mother---or his father---or his best friend Joe---or his boss at work? Maybe you don't know what I mean by using the term "motivates"---so I am going to spell it out for you.
When you are addicted to someone, you want to impress them. You want to please them. You want to let them know without a doubt this reality: "When you need me, I'll be there in a hurry!" Many a song has been written about this type of person we call the codependent "giver". Theirs is the alter you worship at. They are the "g" word (God!) "ideal" that you have been seeking your whole life thus far. We are their forever minion willing to do whatever they want on demand. In this way, we are trying to teach them that he/she/they CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT ME/MY LOVE/MY HELP/MY SUPPORT!
As a result, what most motivates a codependent giver are these three things: "I want your approval! I want your acceptance! I want your like/love! in return for all that giving I do...for you!
Needless to say, there is a codependent "giver" lurking within each of us. We all know how to "give" to someone we want to impress. We all know how to please someone we get to know and who tells us what he/she/they want or need from us. And we certainly know how to "jump" when someone we are addicted to rings their bell allowing us to show up in their life in that moment. Now you know, when all that goes down...it goes down because what we want IN RETURN FOR OUR "GIVING" is our chosen person's approval, acceptance, and like/love! These are the three things we are most motivated by when we "give" to someon else---or to someone else we are addicted to. Period. That's it.
Now....that may be easy for you to understand. We all know the people from our own life, right now, that we believe function this way most of the time. Whether you call that person "Grandma!" or "Doormat!" or "People Pleaser!" or "My beloved spouse!"....a codependent "giver" can come in many different shapes and sizes. Also, the mindset of a codependent giver says: "You are GREAT! I may be o.k., but for sure you are GREAT!" Like that. Codependent givers do not see themselves as equal to anybody else...but always just a bit (or a lot!) beneath the object of their attention/adoration/addiction.
Unfortunately codependent giving is not an act of loving sacrifice between people who view themselves as true "equals" to each other. Why? Because when we give and have strings attached to our giving ("I want you to love me!" "I want you to approve of me!" "I want you to accept me as I am!")...then that's not love! That's a transaction! I do this for you...and you give me that in return. Everybody now is an object. Either you use me, or I use you...and that's the "dance" of codependency we play out repeatedly until one of us gets sick of the dance and the dynamic!
No wonder codependent "givers" eventually burn out or get sick of the person(s) they've been giving to without regularly enough receiving back that approval, acceptance, and like (or love!) they want(ed) in return! We can only take so much before we tell ourselves, "I'm done!" and then leave the relationship. Couples break up and families split up every day because of this primary relationship-based issue! "After all I've done for YOU since we have been together and this is how you thank me by wanting and demanding even MORE from me?! Drop dead Fred!"
Yeah, it can go like that more than you'll ever comprehend from just today's blog post!
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Now imagine how much more complicated this whole codependency thing as a relationship lifestyle can get when the "giver" isn't even consciously aware of what he/she/they are most motivated by in return for their giving? That happens all the time too. Do you think codependent givers really go around in life saying to themselves, "Oh! I want her approval, acceptance, and love whenever I do something nice for her that she didn't expect or ask for!" No, we don't typically think that way, okay?
At first, what we say to ourselves may just be as simple as: "Well, I want him to want me too!" instead of telling ourselves, "Well, I think I'm falling in love with him...so I sure hope he will fall in love with me in return when I keep serving him like I think he wants me to!" AKA: Goal here is to achieve mutual addiction status! Not just me being addicted to you....but you becoming addicted to me in return! Then we'll be great together!
Get a clue! That never lasts longer than it takes for the "object" of the original addiction attempt to discover someone else better around that corner over there. Didn't you ever hear the saying: "He who cares the least controls the most!" When we are incapable of real love, when we are so malignantly narcissistic or sociopathic (without empathy) or borderline personality disordered, or histrionic (attention-seeking), how are WE going to "love" anybody at all very much---let alone well enough? We just can't! We don't have it in us---so we just go around letting new and different people become addicted to us when we possess the skills to achieve that---until we find someone new to replace him/her/them because they stopped serving us to the extent we expect "now"!
Next post, we are going to address what most motivates the codependent "taker"'s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors...